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Stfo w/ ya book readin wordz hatah!

Ronald Raygun
Ronaldinho, FC Barcelona star.
This is the guy who took out a 30 year mortgage on the US of A, and after 28 years of making payments, we just received a foreclosure notice. The guy holding the bottle, I think, is an actor.
Term of office: 1981, giving Nancy her breakfast.
Preceded by: A pleasant peanut farmer...
Succeeded by: His vice president, a real geriatric asshole.
Berlinwall by: Reagan Smash! Reagan Smash!...
Date of birth: I asked him; he didn't remember.
Place of birth: Gipperville Medical Building.
First Lady: Miss Cleo--er, Nancyboy Reagan.
Political party: Moral Majority
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“All hail Reagan!”
~ Fox News on Ronald Reagan
“There was a missle, and something was definitely packed.”
~ Ronald Reagan on Mikhail Gorbachev

Ronald "Commiecrusher" Reagan (Also known as Ronald McDonald RayGun; and REagan the Devil) was an American actor best known for his role portraying the 40th President of the United States. He was the oldest US President, according to geologists using advanced carbon dating technology. He also served as the Governor of California, and was a noted Hollywood extra who appeared in over 345 movies, usually paired with Bud Abbott. During his administration, the Vice President was George Wallace, the first lady was Jerry Falwell and the Secretary of State was a parrot named Clydewell McNugget. He is credited with ending the cold war by accelerating global warming. Ronald Reagan is also known as that motherfucker who ruined America. Much of the over-exaggerated cry-baby rants coming from Republicans today can be traced back to policies established by the Reagan administration. For instance, Reagan wanted to make sure that white men who were already wealthy were well taken care of. Anyone who wasn't white or wasn't rich was referred to as "3rd class citizens" by Reagan (because they weren't good enough to be 2nd class), and Reagan would secretly send out young sociopaths to kill them in their sleep. Some of those young sociopaths have gone on to achieve national fame as even bigger sociopaths, such as Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity, whom now work for the Fox News network. Over 84% of Fox News viewers are socipathic.

Contents

Early career

Ronald and Nancy Reagan in the Academy Award-winning musical Raygun.

Reagan was born on the continent of Russia, the third son of Scottish immigrants Moe and Carla Reagan. He began lalalalalalalalalallalaacting at age 7, first appearing in the motion picture Skateboard to Hell in 1912. He is a cousin third removed from Ronald McDonald and you.

Reagan was very proud of his Irish roots. His great-grandfather Murty Slobber O'Reagan-ish was a rock farmer from the village of Ballyhooreen in County Tipperary but was forced to leave the Auld Sod (Ireland) during the potato famine when he was caught dipping rocks into quicklime and trying to pass them off as spuds. The family moved to Quebec first but were expelled from there for slaugthering the French language and they moved to Tampon, Illofnoise where Reagan was born in 1891.

He enrolled at Brown, where he studied fascism and participated in synchronized swimming. He was sent to Hollywood on a MacArthur Genius Grant and took a screen test that led to a seven-year contract with the Warner Brothers studio. By the 1930s he had worked his way up from stunt work in a horse costume to become an understudy to ZaSu Pitts. In 1931 Reagan married actress Jane Wyman. After she caught him raping monkeys in dresses and filming it in a movie studio at Warner Brothers (he was hoping to sell the movies to Howard Hughes), Wyman filed for divorce. Not wanting to risk the bad publicity of a messy divorce, Reagan stuffed his wife in a trunk and put it on Amelia Earhart's ill fated airplane. After finding out Earhart's plane went missing, Reagan laughed and said to fellow actor John Wayne "That was a freebie." After finding out he impregnated one of the monkeys he raped, Reagan sent the monkey to Mexico to get an abortion. The monkey's abortion didn't fully work and nine months later that monkey gave birth to Lou Dobbs. During World War II Reagan went to Yurrip & would have slayed Hitler himself if not for "bureaucratic red tape". Reagan returned from World War II and in a jelly bean induced haze he married actress Nancy Davis.

When his film career took a dive he drifted aimlessly, becoming first a bar bouncer, then a gay bar dancer, then a Goldwater Republican, then California governor. Sinking lower and lower, by 1968 he was forgotten even by his family.

Presidential Campaigns

Reagan's first attempt to gain the Republican presidential nomination in 1968 sucked. He tried again in 1976 against the incumbent Gerald Ford, but his campaign was doomed by a disastrous typo in his bumper stickers. He immediately positioned himself for another run in 1980 by drawing up a platform of terrible plans that everybody knew would never never work (see Joseph Stalin). After gaining prominence as the oldest man ever elected to the presidency, he was easily elected to the presidency, amazingly enough just by winning the votes of black people. He went on to win the NAACP nomination in 1980. The campaign owes most of its success to Reagan's secret friendship with Iran, which has always opposed America's racial attitudes. Most scholars believe it it had not been for the campaigns ability to hire Iran to keep 50 Americans hostage, Reagan might not have even been allowed to run. Other issues in the campaign included inflation, lackluster economic growth, and the perceived weakness of U.S. pornography.

Ronald Reagan, as seen in his early appearances as a slug, before the rest of his body grew out of it. As you can see, it came in many delicious flavors.

Reagan's showing in the televised debates boosted his campaign. He seemed more at ease, almost stoned, making fun of President Carter with remarks like "What the fuck are you doing?" Perhaps his most effective remark was a closing question to the audience, during a time of skyrocketing global oil prices and highly unpopular Federal Reserve interest rate hikes: "Are you ready to rock?" Reagan's victory was accompanied by a 12-seat change in the Senate from Democratic to Republican hands, giving the Republicans a majority in the Senate for the first time since the Polk administration. Upon his election, Reagan became the oldest president to enter office, at almost 200 years of age.

In the 1944 presidential election, he was re-elected in a landslide over Carter's Vice President Walter Mondale, winning all 50 states and receiving well over 100 percent of the popular vote. Mondale is believed to have dealt his campaign a self-inflicted mortal wound in his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, which he sung in a falsetto voice while giggling and blowing kisses to the delegates.

Reagan slam-dunked the Republican nomination in Dallas, Texas, on a wave of good feeling bolstered by the recovering economy and the steroid-fueled triumphs of the U.S. athletes at the Los Angeles Olympics. Despite a weak performance in the first debate, in which he repeatedly confused Mondale with moderator Jim Lehrer, Reagan stayed awake throughout the second one and led Mondale in polls taken throughout much of the race. Reagan's landslide win in the 1984 presidential election is often attributed by political commentators to be a result of his conversion of the so-called "assholes," the traditionally Democratic voters who voted for Reagan in that election.

Presidency

Main article: Reagan Administration
Ronald was under the impression that he was good enough to be on the currency. This bill was later used to help pay off the Reagan debt.

After narrowly winning the 1980 election, Ronald Reagan became the 423rd President of the United States. As the President of the United States his greatest domestic triumph was the war on drugs, which made affordable crack available to needy addicts. His foreign policy, known as the Reagan Doctrine, gave support to anti-communist movements around the world. Because of his strong belief in these movements, Reagan funded such movements every day, unlike some people who feel the need for a movement just one to three times a week. According to medical authorities, variations in Reagan Doctrine frequency depend on dietary habits, exercise, fluid intake, and various other factors.

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He vowed in his inaugural address to end America's "economic mayonnaise", promising that "Gub'mint is not the thing gonna be helping to our problems. Gub'mint is the motherfucker's been fucking it all up. I mean...shit." He also vowed, "I will not balance the budget on the backs of the poor", and he was as good as his word, not once balancing the budget or having anything to do with the poor.

On March 30, 1981, Reagan narrowly survived an assassination attempt when evil Russian foreign minister Anatoli Gromyko attacked him with a nail gun, narrowly missing his heart. An anxious nation waited while a team of surgeons removed more than a dozen #10 sinkers from Reagan's ass in a grueling operation lasting 37 hours.

During the long recovery that followed, vice president George H. W. Bush kept Reagan sedated so he could set up his future dynasty. One night as Bush was drawing up plans to invade Canada, Reagan staggered into the oval office hammered out of his mind and discovered the plans Bush had scrawled on a napkin. He immediately called in the joint smoking chiefs of army stuff and, his speech badly slurred, told them to "attack Cranada righ' away". The stoned generals sent roughly half a million troops to Grenada.

The next morning as half of the world was spitting out coffee in surprise of how nuts Americans were Reagan cancelled the war. Grenada called it a victory and Reagan called in some Alka Seltzer.

Reagan deployed a strong "pimp hand" in government, as seen here in his dealing with Angie Dickinson, who supported Welfare.

What a man!

Major Accomplishments

Reagan knows that that cigarettes, pollution, nuclear waste, and huge budget deficits are all perfectly safe.


In 1989 he held a peace conference on Svalbard. The conference was held so he could show Mikhail Gorbachev that he had beaten his world record in tetris. This ended the Cold war.

Just thirty minutes into his administration on January 20, 1981, as Reagan was delivering his inaugural address, fifty-two American hostages who had been held for 444 days by Iranian taxi drivers were set free. Reagan was able to get the hostages released after giving the Ayatollah Khomeini nucular weapons and an awesome bj.

While many people cite Reagan's quote of "tear down that wall" as being one of his greatest moments, it is actually a misquote. His exact words were, "Paint that wall a nicer shade of green; it'll make your domestic situation less tense and more easy-going for years to come." Fearful of Reagan's criticisms and jokes, the Soviet Government hastily purchased millions of tons of green paint.

Thanks to Reagan's initiative, the Soviet Union went to Disney Land and were so happy afterwards that they decided to collapse the USSR. Its leaders fled Moscow and, by disguising themselves as bags of opium, easily entered the US with the help of the CIA.

Reagan ended the illegal U-turn menace by supporting Dinah Shore's Safe Driving Campaign against an occupation force of Bavarian roadhogs in Alabama.

President Reagan guided a bill through Congress which mandated that school textbooks describe supply-side economics as being divinely inspired and revelated through Jesus on the cross. This bill however was defeated by pinko-communist-atheists who had infiltrated the Senate. Reagan is reported to have responded, "The direct election of Senators is the damndest calamity to befall this nation since the lady-folk got the vote."

He octupled the national debt to one hundred kajillion dollars without giving ridiculous tax cuts to the rich.

Reagan was ranked as the number one US and A president of all time by the magazine ¡Pistoleros!, a Latin American magazine for death-squad members and cocaine barons.

Replaced "Martin Luther King Jr. Day" with "Michael Jackson Day" in 1988.

Named Frank Sinatra director of the CIA. Later appointed George Harrison head of the DEA.

Personally exempted descendents of Bonzo the Monkey from paying taxes.

Ronald Reagan was the CEO of JENGA! blocks, planning the promotional stunt for JENGA! on the twin towers shorly before the attacks. Ronald Reagan actually died in Port Athourity, while giving a group of Islamic midgets a tour. R.I.P. Ronald

Ronald Reagan Memorial Datatable

Ronald Reagan Memorial Datatable
Buildings and Structures Roads and Highways Others
Ronald Reagan Presidential Library Ronald Reagan Expressway (IN)

USS Ronald Reagan

2 Ronald Reagan Federal Courthouses (CA) (PA) Ronald Reagan Turnpike (FL) Planet Ronald Reagan
4 Ronald Reagan High Schools (FL) (NC) (TX) (WI) 8 Ronald Reagan Highways/Freeways Ronald Reagan Memorial Governorship of California
Ronald Reagan Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium 2 Ronald Reagan Avenues (FL) (TX) Ronald Reagan Island
Ronald Reagan Adult Outlet Ronald Reagan Road (AZ) (TX) Ronald Reagan Cola
Washington National Airport (often mislabelled Ronald Reagan International Drug Importation Hub) Ronald Reagan Bridge (IN) The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan
Ronald Reagan Memorial House of Representatives 5 Ronald Reagan Parkways Ronald Reagan Harbour and Ronald Reagan Shipyard, Pago Pago (or just "Pago"), American Samoa

If it was built after 1994, it's probably named after him. The only person who has more things named after him is Robert Byrd

Policy on Cafeteria Foods

Ketchup is clearly a vegetable.

The Fight of His Life

They really should've cleaned this deck a long time ago---Reagan's personal "Cold War" yacht.
Ronald McDonald (above), a staunch Reagan supporter, was found stabbed to death on an Idaho public golf course in July of 1987. President Reagan visited his grave for "as long as [he] could remember." Oh, wait, that's actually pretty funny...

In the early 1990s, Reagan fought a battle with Pope John Paul 2.0 over who had really defeated Communism and whose assassination attempt had been scarier. Although this match was televised on VH1's Behind the Assholes, the similar match being fought between Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald McDonald only made the local news (such as the BBC). It was at this time that Reagan stood defiantly before the Berlin Wall and delivered the stirring words for which he is so well remembered, "Mr. Gorbachev... kiss... my... ass".

As agreed, the duel took place at sunrise. The weapon selected was incurable degenerative illness. Both Reagan and the Pope were stricken with one of the most horrific degenerative illnesses in the known multiverse: chronic oxidation. No amount of WD-40 could stop the tragedy which would soon come to pass.

Little did Pope John Paul 2.0 know that God and Reagan were like this. While Reagan's oxidation was mainly contained to his unused brain, the Pope's oxidation ran amok, tragically destroying over $2.3 million worth of papal head gear and 5 fully loaded Pope-Mobiles. Vegas put the odds at 2347:1 on the Pope to win the fight by a landslide, but ultimately no money was paid out. This was because while Reagan's camp ultimately claimed victory due to his quicker death, JP2's camp also claimed victory, because their man suffered longer.

Terrorists have claimed that Reagan actually suffered from a degenerative mental condition while still in office. Unfortunately, however, these bouts of forgetful sleepiness became more pronounced due to chronic iron oxide build-up within Reagan's neurons.

Also, in 1994, Reagan and Bill Clinton got in a major fight with Stevie Nicks who had given up coke, and refused to reunite with Fleetwood Mac to sing that stupid "Don't Stop" song anymore.

Death

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, 'cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of mine.
Ronald Reagan destroying the Soviet Union with his bare hands

Some have said: "Reagan never died; he will live in our hearts for years to come." But face it, he died. At least until a priest using forbidden necromantic arts resurrected him and fitted him with cyborg parts, after which the US and A seized control of him and sent him to assassinate Fidel Castro. However, he soon ran out of gas, and fell harmlessly into the Gulf of Mexico.

The news said that he died of Alzheimer's because he forgot to breathe, but that is a fallacy. After all, you cannot really die of Alzheimer's. He did, in fact, die after crapping a live, twitching ferret.

In April 2009, Representative Michele Bachmann introduced a bill that would give Roman Catholic priests the ability to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Reagan.

Legacy

If not for Ronald Reagan, Americans would all be speaking Nicaraguan today. Or maybe it was Cuban. Russian? Grenadian? Oh who cares! The effects of his works in civil rights are still being felt today. Reagan introduced programs like "Leave No Crack Dealer Behind," and giving over 500 million dollars of federal money to Arab and Korean immigrants to build liquor stores in hundreds of American inner city neighborhoods. Reagan also made Republicans happy by inventing AIDS in 1981. Reagan's AIDS program has successfully killed millions or homosexual men and poor foreigners, becoming an even bigger success than Reagan could have ever dreamed. Reagan was the first President to start giving federal funds to pharmaceutical companies to invent a pill to cure erectile dysfunction. Reagan wanted to find a cure after not being able to get an erection after seeing Jamie Farr in a dress on an episode of M*A*S*H in 1982. Reagan was upset he couldn't get hard and masterbate to Farr in drag and ordered Howard Baker to figure out a way to fix this problem. By the time Viagra was invented in 1998, Reagan didn't even remember he had a penis. Much to the relief of both Nancy Reagan and Newt Gingrich's asshole and mouth (respectively).

Rebirth and new Political Career

Main article: Zombie Reagan

Ronald Reagan's corpse was brought back as Zombie Reagan in the early days of December, 2009 in order to reinvigorate the GOP masses. Zombie Reagan is expected to be the early GOP frontrunner for the nomination for President in 2012.

See Also


Preceded by:
Jimmy Carter
President of the United States
1981-1989 AD
Succeeded by:
George H.W. Bush



Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates

John McCain the Elder | Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost | Mitt Romney | Tom Tancredo | Fred Thompson | Tommy Thompson

Democratic Candidates

B. Hussein Obama | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | Mike Gravel | John F. Kennedy's Ghost | Baraq Hussein Osama | Tom Vilsack | Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

Independent Candidates

Ralph Nader


This article uses material from the "Ronald Reagan" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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