Sarah Palin: Wikis


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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for retard?
“Don'cha'know?”
~ Sarah Palin on Wikipedia's "did you know" facts
“Who's nailin' Paylin?”
~ Hustler on Sarah Palin
“You can put lipstick on a pitbull, but it's still a bitch.”
“Yah, yoo betcha eh?”
~ Sarah Palin on proof she isn't born in this country. Where's your birth certificate? and your son? and grandson? Damn Canadians
“I, Governor Sarah Palin give Governor Sarah Palin a full and complete pardon for the trooper thingy.”
~ Sarah Palin on Sarah Palin
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sarah Palin.
John McCain's Intern running mate in the 2008 Presidential race. Come on, admit it. You would.

Sarah Michael Palin is a famous action figure adored by rednecks. She was born on February 30, 1968 in Idaho after being conceived in a brothel by the Republican Party and Oprah Winfrey. She is the half-milf governor of Alaska, and was the 2008 Republican Party nominee for the office of Vice President in the 2008 United States presidential election. She is best known for being the second sexiest candidate running for Vice President in 2008, and recently surpassed singer Jewel as the top result for the Google search "crazy alaska hottie".

The mother of thirteen (not including numerous aborted fetuses), she is a certified self-rejuvenating virgin who enjoys eating caribou, banning books and saying feminist, empowering statements like "Math is hard!" when you pull the string on the back of her neck. The movie "Cannibal Holocaust" (1980) is based loosely on Palin's courtship with her husband.

As of October 1st, 2009, Sarah Palin has issued three statements confirming that she is, in fact, a loose fanny.

Contents

Early Life

Barbie Caribou.

Palin was born deep beneath Idaho, and when she was young her family moved to Inuit country, far above the Arctic circle, to get away from black people and homosexuals. She was reported to be born with her head up her ass and foot in her mouth. And through years of surgery and counselling she was able to pull her foot out while her head remains permanently stuck in the bowels of her rectum. Through the dark arts taught to her by her witchdoctor/pastor of her church, she is able to look like a normal person by means of a head which is not really there. Many scientists speculate she is the dumbest person on the planet. This is backed up by her entire existence as the most moronic person alive. The only reason she was elected Governer of Alaska is because, well, it is Alaska after all. As a child, Palin had few cronies friends. To amuse herself she took up the hobby of putting lipstick on her family pets, which swiftly became an obsession. To date, she has applied it liberally to pitbulls, pigs, and her children. At one point, she even considered opening a pet-lipstick store.

Palin putting lipstick on a caribou, oh wait, that's not...

Prior to her life in public service, she earned the nickname "bespectacled cunt-brarian" for her young looks, glasses and effective shushing sound (which is generally followed with a subtle "ya know, jeese louuwheeese"). In fact, her glasses apparently give her the extraordinary ability to see the Russia--but evidently not Africa--from anywhere in her home state. She also spent several years as a customer liaison for the fortune 500 company "Hooters", working for client satisfaction in one of the local branches.

Education

None. Sarah Palin is labled an arrogant, skanky airhead to this day.

Political career, SRSLY!

Palin showcases her Hockey skills.

After escaping the liberal filter of five universities, Palin ultimately got her journalism degree directly from the God himself in 1988. She then married her high school sweetheart who carried her off to live in his family's ancestral igloo. The couple lived happily, quietly making babies (Track, Bristol, Trig, Sofa, Carport and Lobotomy), and watching their babies turn into teenagers and making babies of their own, until Palin was overcome with a yen for helicopter moose huntin'. So they packed up the family and headed for Wasilla, Alaska - civic motto, "Home of Wasillapalooza".

Showing her impeccable Republican credentials as Mayor, she took a town with no debt, and, by the end of her term, left it 22 million dollars in the red. By the end of her term, there were just 6,000 people in the town. Most died when she declared war on witches, industrial machines, birth control, and Science class. Others left, and others just never existed, probably another drunken counting mistake by the townspeople.

As Governor, she enthusiastically promoted the infamous "Bridge to Nowhere", even going so far as to accept funds for this purpose, but when her political enemies complained, she showed her radical, maverick, renegade ability to cave to pressure, and just accepted the "Road to Nowhere" instead. She also raised/lowered taxes, and caused/cured the enormous budget deficit, by reforming/doing the same thing. This outstanding/terrible record caused John McCain to select her as his running mate, hoping/fearing what he learned about her from ancient legends was true/false.

In a bid to provide openness and transparency to the taxpayers, Palin issued an executive order that all official state business was to be carried out on Yahoo Mail.

Resignation and Shame

In early July 2009 Palin announced that she will be resigning from the governorship, in order to devote her full time to being stupid. All seven of her supporters were disappointed.

A petition was started to try to convince her to remain in office, but it was unable to gain any signatures, including from the person who started the petition itself.

A stupid controversial nominee

"A clone of me that is 1/8th as competent, I shall call her Mini-Maverick."

Palin's time as governor has been extremely productive. In her 20 months, she has earned an unimpeachable reputation for polite manners, effective hand shaking, and strong foreign policy experience, consisting of longing gazes across the Aleutians. She has the undying support of Ultra-Feminist Left, the Ultra-Religious Right, and the Ultra-Secessionist North, who she is frequently seen palin around with. She also retains the support of Christians everywhere who are relieved that she is not a black man with a funny sounding name.

The Ultra-Secular-Sexist Left accuse Palin of conspiring with the Christian Illuminati in the Religious Right, whoever they are, though it sounds like something they made up at the last minute. In fact Democratic Representative Steve Cohen compared Sarah Palin to Pontius Pilate and Barack Obama to Jesus, claiming that Jesus was a community organizer like Obama and Pontius Pilate was a governor like Palin. This viewpoint is flawed though, as clearly Pilate actually accomplished things during his reign, nailing Jesus to a cross notwithstanding. It is true, however, that she has excellent hand washing habits.

McCain and Palin bond during a game of Duck, Duck, Moose.

As Vice President, Palin hoped to travel overseas for the first time, and spread her "twinkle and shine" personality to all remaining American allied countries, England and Israel (for whom Jesus has a special place up in Heaven, dont'cha know?)

She supports government funding for book-burnings, nailing theoretical physicists to crosses, and execution of the mentally handicapped, while her daughter opens the events by reciting the entire Bible in tongues while draped in snakes.

Contrary to popular belief, Sarah Palin is not homophobic: she announced that she would tolerate homosexuals long enough to be elected. Among the GOP, this makes Palin a Progressive. When thrown into the spotlight, she reluctantly conceded that gays should be able to visit their dying partner in the concentration camp hospital.

Republican women holding up their lipstick in support for Sarah Palin. Seriously, I'm not shitting you here. That is exactly what these crazy bitches are doing![1]

She is also fond of firing state troopers over divorces with relatives. Since she does not believe in psychotherapy, she has an untreated power madness. If a citizen walks down the street and does not recognize her, she will order him to be fired from his job. If a citizen is displaying their religion outwardly, and it is not a state-approved sect of Christianity, that citizen will be "Disappeared".

One of her more radical policies is a complete overhaul of the school science curriculum across all states. She planned to replace the Theory of Evolution and the Big Bang Theory with the teachings of the Church of Scientology, and to remove all trace of any contradicting evidence from books permitted in school. She also planned to force students to attend a compulsory sermon on the Flying Spaghetti Monster] every day, before lessons. These changes were met with outrage from the scientific community; however, when questioned, she claimed to be being persecuted over her faith and ignored the queries.

Tina Fey was the original choice as nominee for VP, but Sarah Palin swung commando style through her windows, beat her up and locked her in a cupboard, a few days later after no answer from Fey, Sarah Palin got offered the nomination.

In late October 2008, mere weeks before the election, it was revealed that Palin had received nearly 150 million dollars in clothing, jewelry, and fine art masterpieces from the McCain campaign. Palin's family also received gifts of travel and the Hope Diamond. When asked about the legality of such lavish gifts, the McCain campaign responded that, since the funds came from Cindy McCain's personal checking account, and not the Carlyle Group, they did not violate campaign finance rules.

On November 5th, Palin was sent back to Alaska with a fabulous copy of America, the Home Game.

Television appearances

"Palin decided to take on Obama on the dance floor - something McCain couldn't do due to war injuries."

Palin became an overnight sensation, appeared on many televisions show and became in such demand that she could not fulfill all her obligations. The McCain campaign contracted an unknown look-a-like named Tina Fey to expand her media footprint. She had a nice interview with Katie Couric, and another with Charlie Gibson. Then she appeared on "Match Game", "30 Rock", "Dancing with the Stars", and Saturday Night Live. She has wanted to appear on the ABC program "The View" with Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg, but the View was cancelled that day, so the View co-hosts could volunteer for ACORN and register fictitious people for Obama. It has been confirmed that all of the 30 Rock appearances, many of the SNL appearances, and possibly the Katie Couric interview were all performed by Tina Fey

The stain of the unwed daughter

Yes, Obama, we know how you feel.

Palin is a staunch anti-abortionist. To drive this point home, she is making her daughter Bristol keep the prepublican fetus that she created and is now growing in her teenage womb. In addition, her daughter's boyfriend will be forced into a loveless baby-making relationship with a chick he figured he was just Fucking.

According to Palin's staff, "This is Governor Palin's way of saying 'Yes Bristol is the shame of our family. But she is going to have the baby and she is going to become the poster child for doing the right thing.'" Palin also is arranging a funeral for the young man who knocked her up.

By doing so, Sarah sets the perfect example. As long as we get rid of contraceptives and simply show our children the joys and pleasures of abstinence we can all have pregnant high-school dropout daughters, and high-school dropout sons who are forced at mooseriflepoint to marry the first girl they have a fumble with during a particularly boring Math class. This system will surely provide a stable and loving home for their children.

Lightning does indeed strike twice, as Palin's other daughter Willow also had an unwed child, with New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez. It's unsure it Willow Palin was trying to upstage her older sister, or rebel against her mother. Though, everyone is looking forward to seeing if the baby can play better than A-rod.

Husband

Mattel releases the Caribou Barbie based on Palin with two sets of glasses so it is twice as sexy.

Palin's husband, a self-described "Eskimo" (coinciding with the GOP's policy of thoroughly abolishing political correctness) received a DUI two decades ago (he had mistaken a putting green for a parking space). On the matter, Palin has pronounced: "The LIBERAL media informs us that my husband's minor criminal offense is quite important and relevant. To them I say that this man is mine, and let any who come to me in their hearts be absolved of all prior sin."

Domme

Sarah Palin is the current world record holder for "most castrations using instrument(s) other than knife." Her score of 77,658 is not likely to be topped in the near future, as the one and only Darryl Hannah is in second place with 14,119. There is a little controversy, however, as Palin's primary targets have generally been faggots, who don't promise to use their balls for anything important (even speaking). Perez Hilton is, nonetheless, one of Palin's conquests, and unlike Hannah, who simply kicks, knees, punches, elbows, headbutts, and squeezes men's balls until they pop, Palin uses a garlic press to mince them, or just chews them up and leaves them attached.

These numbers are eunuch count, not testicular count.

GILF

There have been numerous accusations that Governor Palin is a GILF. These come after several cable news pundits commented that they wouldn't mind banging her. One caller countered these claims by stating: "Dude! She's, like, old, like your grandmother." Another caller said: "Who gives a shit? She's fucking hot! Think Morgan Fairchild only crazy!" Bill O'Reilly is on record as saying "I would love to get a bite to eat with this classy lady! Nothing too fancy, but maybe just a couple of loofahs from that cart down the block. Then we'd hump."

Email Hacking Incident

Sarah Palin was quick to kill those responsible. Ahhhh, those muscular arms! They look better than picture above!

Sarah was selected by John McCain after realizing that the other VP prospects were all a bunch of boring white guys. Anonymous claimed to have hacked Sarah Palin's Yahoo account (her password was: "lipstick") and posted pictures all over the Internet. This is either the greatest social engineering hack, or the greatest troll on the Internet yet. Sarah Palin grabbed a mooserifle and hunted down all involved and shot them. Those whom Sarah Palin did not catch are being hunted down by the FBI, and will be Detained.

Debating the deadbeat

On October 3, 2008, Palin stepped up to the plate and won the Best Performance by a Vice Presidential Candidate in Repeating Memorized Catch-phrases and Clichés at a Political Debate award, given by the Stepford Housewives for Palin Club; Stepford, Connecticut. The award is given to the best female candidate who opposes Joe Biden in any debate for the Vice Presidency which occurs in Saint Louis, Missouri (2007-2009). While Palin was a three to one favorite to win the coveted award, members of her club were nonetheless relieved that she won, because as club President Danica Nicole Jordan put it, "Sarah Palin embodies our very hopes for this great country, this United States in America,". Club members agree that Palin was wise to declare at the beginning of the debate her refusal to answer questions, even though she actually knew the answers to some of them. "Rules don't apply to Sarah Palin," said Jordan.

See also

Her chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Her two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Her three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Her FOUR...no... Amongst her weapons.... Amongst her weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.


Mr._T
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All-American Role Models and Rejects
Aunt Jemima | Bob Knight | Bob Saget | Bruce Campbell | Cap'n Crunch | Carrot Top | Cheese Jesus | Chuck Norris | Clint Eastwood | Count Chocula | Courtney Love | Eric Cartman | Hanson | Hillary Clinton | Joe Camel | John Travolta's Hair | Knight Rider | MacGyver | Mr. T | Napoleon Dynamite | Paris Hilton | Pillsbury Doughboy | Rainbow Brite | Ronald McDonald | Sean Connery | Sarah Palin | Sloth | Timmy Turner | Titshugger Penishead McFucknutter | Trix Rabbit | Uncle Ben | Vanilla Ice | William Hung | Willy Wonka | Wonder Woman | Yogi Bear | Your Mom

This article uses material from the "Sarah Palin" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

I can see Russia from my house!

~ Sarah Palin

History

Sarah Palin is an Eskimo who eats tons of Polar Bear sandwiches every day. She is quite dim-witted since she believes that humans evolved from apple pies, and that Kwanzaa is the Martian planetary holiday. She was first discovered by an eskimo tribe in the North Pole by a certain elf named Josef Stalin. After taking her to Santa Claus, Santa told the 2-year-old to go fry her brains, since she had so much brain damage. Just then, an army of cactus people abducted her and flew away. Using his jet-powered supersled, Saint Nick shot the Cacti spaceship down with an AK-47. Somehow, Palin ended up in Alaska, and we have yet to figure out why the heck they made her a Governor.

Debates(aka Stupid Stuff She Said/Says)

1)Palin vs. Obama Palin once said that the best ice cream sandwich is an African one. Obama then replied with "What does that have to do with politics???" Palin then said that people shouldn't vote for Obama because he was a way better speaker than McCain. Obama remained silent. Then, when asked whether or not global warming was affecting Alaska, Palin said, "Look, I don't know about you guys, but Alaska's pretty darn cold." Once again, Obama remained silent.

2)Palin vs. Clinton Clinton first attacked Palin by saying that she had no real experience whatsoever. Palin replied, "Experience is a funny word, it reminds me of Shakespeare, because, you know, Shakespeare is a funny name." Clinton then claimed that Palin wanted to continue the war with Iraq. Palin said, "What's a Iraq?"

3)Palin vs. Biden Palin attacked first saying that Biden ate too much mooncheese and farted. Biden then said that Palin was absolutely nuts. Palin rebuttled by saying, "I likes ca-shoes." Biden stood by his previous comment.

4)Palin vs. McCain This is one of the more mysterious debates. After McCain chose Palin as his running mate. Palin somehow "debated" with him. McCain told Palin that she would keep him from becoming president. Palin said that global warming was melting her ice cream sandwich. McCain shook his head in agony.


This article uses material from the "Sarah Palin" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Alternate History

Up to date as of January 30, 2010

From Alternative History

Sarah Louise Palin (ˈpeɪlɨn; née Heath; born February 11, 1964) is an American politician who served as Governor of the state of Alaska from 2006 until 2009 and was the Republican candidate for Vice President of the United States in 2008.

Palin was a member of the Wasilla, Alaska, city council from 1992 to 1996 and the city's mayor from 1996 to 2002. After an unsuccessful campaign for Lieutenant Governor of Alaska in 2002, she chaired the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission from 2003 until her resignation in 2004. She was elected Governor of Alaska in November 2006. Palin was the first female governor of Alaska and the youngest person ever elected governor of that state.

In 2008, Republican presidential candidate John McCain chose Palin as his running mate in that year's presidential election, making her the second female candidate and the first Alaskan candidate of either major party on a national ticket, as well as the first female vice-presidential nominee of the Republican Party. Following the defeat of the McCain-Palin ticket in the 2008 election, there was speculation that she would seek the Republican nomination for president in the 2012 election.

Palin resigned as Governor on July 26, 2009, with a year and a half remaining in her four-year term.

In the multiverse, Palin has held several different roles:



This article uses material from the "Sarah Palin" article on the Alternate History wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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