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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010
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(Redirected to Scientist article)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Scientist Tom Cruise, after testing "Arm-Loss Formula X-5" -- available for only $799.99 if you call right now!!!

A scientist is usually a follower of Scientology or a member of the Church of Maher, in which they worship Bill Maher and try to cover up the teachings of the great prophet Drinkus Alcoholicus. The word "scientist" is Latin for satanist.

The faux patriot sissies at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Scientist .

Scientists reproduce by replication, so killing many of them has no effect on the number remaining. This is proven repeatedly by action movies (such as James Bond) and the video games based on them.

Contents

History

The Church of Scientology was founded in 1957 by Aristotle. His revelation went like this:

“ All these churches smell. I should start me own.”
~ Aristotle on Scientology
“You could earn yo' ass some greens, bro”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aristotle

L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology:The easiest way to make a million dollars is to start your own religion. Scientology stayed quite quiet throughout the crusades, that's why no one noticed it.

Unfortunately, scientists are not all members of the Church of Scientology. However, recent polls confirm that no one cares. But they are incredibly full of themselves and if you criticize them in any way they will run to one of their members who had their brains replaced with law books and try to sue you. Fortunately, they're stupid and always lose due to excessive bitching, unless of course they're real lawyers, in which case they win due to excessive bitching.

Beliefs

Scientists use the analogy of the five legged tripod to explain the five basic beliefs of their religion:

  1. The human soul is the ghastly remains of an alien that was thrown into a volcano by a stereotypical bad-guy the pope. (disputed but may or may not be the actual truth.)
  2. Anyone who criticises you is evil. This includes your doctor and mother, (except if your mother is a doctor, then it cancels out).
  3. Anything said by a science-fiction writer, such as Charles Darwin, must be taken as dogma, or at least karma.
  4. There is no fourth belief. If there were, it would be copyrighted and I'd be frivolously sued and physically intimidated for revealing it (specifically, that while the human soul is indeed the ghastly remains of an alien, the human body evolved from clams.) But I ain't sayin' that, so back off already.
  5. The only way to assure life after death is to have a set of beliefs so idiotic that they make parody redundant. (See #5)
  6. The extra leg is about 5.4 kilometres long (0.4 miles). It has been traditionally used as a boring extra detail. Some argue that addition of the sixth leg is too complex to be a reasonable -- it is the straw that breaks the camel's back and renders scientology unbelievable in comparison to other more simple theories, such as cannibalism or jell-o-ism. In both cases, the sixth missing pedestal plays a crucial part.
  7. Fun is regulated by the Department of Scientologic Fun.
  8. [classified: to find out what this belief is, please send a payment of $1,200 to $enter For $alvation, P.O. 1701, Hollywood, CA 90210]

Mad scientists

Main article: Mad Scientist

Some scientists travel with pirates, and even take part in their so-called adventures. Only mad scientists refuse to do so. They disapprove of adventures in general. Except for those involving destroying the world and preferably the Whole Known Universe.

The exception was the famous pirate-scientist Walter Raleigh, inventor of the bicycle who became famous for his promoting the aids benefits of South American products such as the herbs tobacco, marihuana and the tomato.

Regular scientists do not laugh maniacally. Only mad scientists do.

How to Identify Scientists at a Party

  • Those men and women standing on tables and taking their clothes off are not scientists. They are Real Estate Agents.
  • Those men mixing the "fruit punch" and laughing maniacally while tipping in bottles of vodka and packets of illicit looking pills are, also surprisingly, not scientists, although they are 'close relatives'. They are Engineers.
  • Those men and women dancing wildly around the centre of the room, knocking over the pot plants and treading on the dog's tail are not scientists. They are Lawyers. Some of them may also be Real Estate Agents part-time.
  • Those men and women standing against the walls, holding their wine or beer and nervously stroking their beards (the women wear stick-on beards) and saying "Hmmmm!". They're the Scientists!
  • To test if a person at a party is a scientist, try this joke on him (or her in disguise): Ask, "Can I get you another miscible solution of ethanol in dihydrogen oxide?" If he laugh until tears come out of his eyes, he's a scientist. If he giggles nervously and moves away from you, he's an Artist (females artists also wear stick-on beards, but artists can usually be discerned from Scientists because the beards are goatee-style and they wear berets (Warning: Canadians pretending to be French may also wear berets and false goatee beards, but can be identified by the fact that the berets are made from beaver skin).
  • Scientists are always hungry for cheese. If you see a scientists, quickly throw rocks at it. Nothing is more deadly than a rabid scientist!!!!! Note: if it's a geologist this will only make him stronger, you are better off throwing alcohol out the window, he will follow!

List of scientists

See also

Look up Scientist in Undictionary, the twisted dictionary
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Scientist.

This article uses material from the "Scientist" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Wackypedia

Up to date as of February 07, 2010
(Redirected to Scientist article)

From Wackypedia

"Hmmm. I seem to have forgotten to remove the eyepiece from my microscope."

Damn those scientists, they stole my pickinick baskett!

~ Mad Scientist Petunia

Scientists live in laboratories and get paid for creating mutants, strange creatures and Dolly the Sheep. Mostly they are mad and will steal your sandal given half the chance: man, the world of science sure is a creepy place.

Scientists have also been credited with major discoveries in the field of er, football. I mean science. Albert Einstein is not one of them, for he could not take free kicks. Neither could Isaac Newton, who was nowhere near as good as Ivanasti Chestikov.

See also


This article uses material from the "Scientist" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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