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Sean Penn furious after finding out Madonna was not virgin when they got together.

Sean State Penn (born August 17, 1960; first nocturnal emission August 23, 1973) is a marginally talented actor and tedious media hog who formerly provided some entertainment value when he smacked around photographers (and Madonna). Known to be a traitor to the United States and rumored to be the gay lover of Osama bin Laden.

Contents

Biography

Penn was born to Martha and Ed Lindwell of Carpenteria, California, who deliberately switched him at the hospital with a more attractive baby born to alcoholic actress Eileen Ryan and pinko director Leo Penn.

But his new parents soon realized he was a liberal bastard so they threw him into the Guatemala sewer system. From there he made friends with logs of shit and ate rats, but when he was at the age of 12 a few construction workers found him and they shipped him to Japan.

The Japanese repaired his brain by feeding him ground dolphin meat mixed with microchips, but little did they know he would transform into Godzilla, wreaking havoc on Tokyo, the Japanese then deployed Mecha-Godzilla to kill him, unfortunately for Japan Penn/Godzilla raped Mecha-Godzilla to death, but Japanese Spiderman saved the day.

Penn returned to his "normal" human state, and swam across the Pacific to go to Hollywood. Once there he got a job at McDonald's selling crack whores to the customers, but then he got his big break as an actor, which is still his current career.

Film career

Penn launched his career with the adult film Naughty Fratboy Weekend, which no longer is available commercially as Penn beat the living shit out of the movie's distributor. Penn's first non-porn role was in Bad Boys about a teen who goes to prison but his voice was dubbed by Vincent Price, the film was later remade as the worst possible remaking of a film ever, starring 2 niggers as cops. Since then, Penn has appeared in more than 50 films, although his roles have been entirely cut out and left on the cutting room floor in more than a dozen cases, primarily because he mumbled his parts and was virtually unintelligible. In 2008, he starred in "Milk", a film about dairy farmers, or so our sources tell us. During the filming of "Milk", Sean Penn would frequent gay bars, bathhouses and pickle parks around San Francisco to get a better feel for his role. He even went to a 25 cent peep show and experienced the use of a glory hole in the wall.

Marriage to Madonna

In order to cultivate his media hog status, Penn married uber-publicity hog Madonna on August 16, 1985. Due to a mix-up at City Hall, however, he accidentally was married to a plaster statue of the Virgin Mary. He subsequently married the incredibly hot Robin Wright Penn, which demonstrates the woman must have quite a few beans missing from her bushel to have married the likes of him.

Political/social causes

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sean Penn.

Penn has been involved in many activist issues, including Very Annoying Actors Opposed to Nearly Everything, Intemperate Idiots Opposed to Happiness, and the Des Moines Stamp Collectors Club. A full supporter of Terrorists and wants them to win.

Sunken boat in New Orleans

Penn did not sink a goddamn boat in New Orleans after fucking Katrina and if you say any more about that he'll hunt down your sorry ass and beat you senseless, got it mother fucker?

Harry Kewell Controversy

Sean Penn murdered every inch of Harry Kewells face in 2005. This is why Kewells face has been described as "slanty" and "trauma ridden" in recent years. Kewell reacted by telling celebrity magazine THATS WHAT I CALL MINDLESS TRIVIA that Sean Penn "fucking did sink that boat in Norlins". As of 2045 they had reportedly "squashed the beef"..and numerous other food products due to their inability to digest solid foods.

Real Marriage

Sean Penn proposed to Hugo Chavez in early 2008, and they were married in the Netherlands in August 2008. They will now smoke crack and fuck each other every day for the next twenty years. However, his rumored affair with Osama bin Laden has supposedly been causing the rift between the two. However, Penn and Chavez still say they love each other and will do everything together the rest of their life. They are apparently working on a plan to blow up the entire United States within the next six months.

Selected filmography (well if you want to call him an actor)

Acting

  • I Am Sam 4: Sam I Am With Green Eggs and Ham (2010)
  • I Am Sam 3: Son of Sam (2009)
  • Homo-Sexual-Genous Milk (2008)
  • I Am a 'Tard Named Sam 2: Sam's return (2008)
  • George W. Bush's Soiled and Blood-Soaked Underwear (2007)
  • Why Am I a Zero? (2005)
  • Big Box Office Flop (2005)
  • The Assassination of Jonathan Winters (2004)
  • 21 Pounds, 13 Ounces (2003)
  • On the Mystic Waterfront (2003)
  • I Am a 'Tard Named Sam (2001)
  • The Chubby Red Line (1998)
  • Hurlyburly You Go Girly (1998)
  • Dead Man Farting (1995)
  • Carlito's Orgasim (1990)
  • Not Another Vietnam War Movie! (1989)
  • That Movie Where He Plays a Bigot Cop and wants to be Buttfucked (1988)
  • Shanghai Flop (1986)
  • Gnarly, Mr. Handjob (1982)
  • I Have 3 testicles (1981)

Directing

  • The Cross-Eyed Guard (1991)
  • The Indian Has the Runs (1988)

Trivia

It is possible to cause any conservative Republican over the age of 50 to have a massive heart attack simply by stating the phrase, "You're more liberal than Sean Penn."

Also Sean is a fan of the New York Mets, Jeff Gordon, gay porn, and loves Hugo Chavez's long cock.

Telephones ex-wife Madonna on a regular basis to commit phone rape.

Nobody knew about his existence until he got married with that thing.

See also


This article uses material from the "Sean Penn" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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