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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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THIS ARTICLE NEEDS A STEAMROLLER!!!
Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.


But be a mother fucker! DO IT!!!

“Seemed like a good idea at the time.”
~ Yukio Mishima on Seppuku

Seppuku (aka harakiri) is the end stage in the life cycle of a Japanese person. Every seven years, as Japanese cities become overcrowded, the people run toward the nearest cliff and hurl themselves off, disembowling themselves in the process.

The largest outbreak of Seppuku took place in the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945. Some Japanese conspiracy theorists claim that this event was not an outbreak of Seppuku, but an attack with some kind of "super weapon." They are nuts.

Seppuku was popularized in the West by Harry Caray, whose radio broadcasts from Japan after the country's surrender in World War II brought him even greater renown than his work with the Chicago Cubs. When a shamed samurai army officer successfully disemboweled himself, Caray would joyously declare "it's out of here!" To this day, many Americans know of this ancient Japanese tradition by the name "Harry Caray."

Seppuku can also be performed in conjunction with bukkake, a practice called seppukakke. This is one of the most awesome things possible, other than eating oneself alive and raping a 16-year old girl.

Contents

Ancient Seppuku

Samurai, not fearing death as the cowardly ninjas did, gladly were willing to kill themselves to prove the point. When a Samurai had been dishonored in some way, He would, rather than allow himself to be known as some kind of pansy, seek out highly painful and awesome way of killing himself, which ranged from self-inflicted disembowelment followed by a beheading at the hands of a trusted second to FUCKING CALLING CHUCK NORRIS A FAG (resulting in roundhouse kick ownage). In the later McChopSuey dynasty it became the norm to eat oneself, with the greatest awesomeness going to those who could eat the most of themselves before they died of being a pussy bloodloss. It is also to be noted that if you survive the former, it is almost certainly one of the most pleasant experience of one's life, along with being hanged, drawn and quartered. And Goatse.

Because of this, the Samurai were a perfect example of natural selection (if you take our meaning). Due to Seppuku, only the best and brightest of Samurai are left (which is saying a lot when you consider how friggin' awesome Samurai are) - ensuring that they are closest to the level of asskickingness of Ving Rhames and Mr. T.

Political Seppuku

Former living person George W. Bush before his ritualistic suicide. Also pictured, Dick Cheney and Al Gore
Following the “Politicians Need to Stop Lying” act of 1983 passed by Samurai president and Discordian holy man Benito Enrico Pulatso, seppukku became the law for politicians. Ever since, any politician caught in a lie, or in some other way dishonoring himself, would be forced to commit not only political suicide, but also a ritualistic suicide in the literal sense.

Perhaps the most notable such suicide was George W. Bush (Pictured) after the truth about his military history came out, as well as the fact that he was a cheerleader. The current president is actually a corpse puppet that is being controlled by the Illuminati.

Seppuku: The Drink

The Samurai, in addition to being outstanding warriors, were also legendary drunks. As much as they enjoyed sake, whiskey, bourbon, scotch, vodka, grain alcohol, moonshine, gin, and others, they needed further proof (no pun intended) that they could drink anyone or anything else under the proverbial table.

So, one drunken night, a Samurai Peace-Lord and a Samurai Philosopher decided to mix all of the aforementioned types of alcohol and add in a few other secret ingredients (rumors range from gasoline to cough syrup to lead-based paint) to create the most potent alcoholic beverage ever known, the Samurai Seppuku, so named because it would be suicide for anyone other than a Samurai to drink it.*

This drink kicks the CRAP outta the pan galactic gargle blaster - though there is nothing like having your brain smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

  • Naturally, this does not include people like Ving Rhames, Mr. T, Keith Moon, or anyone from Ireland.

Samurai Seppuku > All Others

The Samurai Seppuku is commonly accepted to be far greater than the supposed Ninja Seppuku in a number of ways, but most significantly in motivation: The Samurai, as previously stated, only killed themselves after having been dishonored (or after sex with a schoolgirl), in order to preserve their Honor and Great Justice. Ninjas, on the other hand, only killed themselves after failing. Most leave notes to the effect that death is superior to taunting and tormenting at the hands of more popular ninjas. Failures that could lead to such a suicide for a ninja included not being good-looking enough or being rejected by a member of the opposite sex.

The Samurai-Pirate Conundrum

Many people are wondering "Well, sure Samurai are awesome, but what about pirates?!" The Samurai and Pirates have signed the Samu-Pira Accord of 57 B.C. In the agreement, it was agreed that while one group might be better than the other, it would destroy 7/10ths of the entire universe if they battled for supremecy. They officially recognized how hardcore each other was, and ruled that the Samurai would be the "Pirates of the Land" and the pirates would be the "Samurai of the Sea".

The only real difference is that Pirates don't commit Seppuku, they blow their brains out with cannons.


This article uses material from the "Seppuku" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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