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“He ain't passin' the ball, that's why Lakers been losin'! Gimme the rock and I dunk that shit!”
~ Shaq on Kobe
“I told you: I'm not Shaq, I'm Kazaam: a rappin' genie...with attitude.”
~ Kazaam on not being Shaq
O'Neal as Blackman in the film Blackman Begins.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Shaquille O'Neal.

Shaq "uille" O'Neal is a world-famous Irish superhero, a professional basketball center for the Kleveland Kavaliers, and the biggest-footed person on Earth. Every civilization known to humankind has some record of Shaq – for example, he is known in the Bible as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (a practice later discarded as confusing).

Contents

Life

The lovechild of Queen Elizabeth XXXL and Abraham Lincoln, at birth Shaq was cursed by Sauron to serve him as a genie for 3000 years, he used his fiery speeches to gather support for his cause. When he had gathered up armies of freedom-dicks under his command, the evil Gandalf rallied the humans to him (they had long since fallen to his mind controlling talents) and proclaimed that Shaquille O'Neal would die serving him. However, in one of their many armed clashes, Shaq used his superior penis to slam a head-sized ball on Gandalf's head, thus killing him and freeing the people of Middle Earth.

After being freed from service as a genie, Shaq wandered the world for 162 years until finally settling in the Mojave Desert. After 16 years, Shaq came across an Apache hermit, who taught Shaq how to bag hoes. Shaq bagged so many hoes in succession that he had destroyed half of Los Angeles. Vowing to right the wrongs he had done to the lands indigenous people he would go on to fight for them on a team of super heroes in the war game known as basketball. The warriors of Los Angeles called themselves Shaq and the Super Lakers.

Deaths

Shaq had many assassination attempts on his life after the movie Kazaam. There was reportedly a death note that was left on his daughter's crib. The note read: "That movie was horrible. I give it a 1 out of five." Shaq did not take the note well. He shot himself with a shotgun under the chin. Some Americans claim that he did not commit suicide, but he was murdered. Many of Kurt Cobain Shaq's friends claim that he was not suicidal.

Le Shrac

In the mid 1620s, Shaq flew to France to play an exhibition game. Due to the heavy French accent, "the Shaq" is known as "Le Shrac" in most of the area. Also, the French claim that Le Shrac is a I just shit my pants centaur-type that occasionally lightning bolts several people and rises rocks from the ground. Whenever asked a question, he would merely reply "My old bones ache." The DotA character Leshrac was based off him.

Hack-a-Shaq

The Hack-a-Shaq is the official Shaq-branded fast food restaurant. He once said that it came to him in a dream, and the Shrek told him "Oh Le Shrac, please make thy Hack-a-Shaq in my honour. For this I will give you 12 menthols." Shaq, known for his terrible breath (able to occasionally breathe fire, as you do) kindly accepted Shrek's offer and thus a kingdom was born, or so we thought.

Accomplishments

  • Shaq used to play lacrosse, but then realized it was terrible because no video games were made about it.
  • Three words: Big. Ass. Feet. But they're not really an accomplishment as much a serious hygiene problem. To hide his embarrassing foot odor problem, the game titled "Shaq's Funk" was censored.
  • Shaq invented his own video game called Shaq Fu. With its complex storyline, many playable characters, and shameless self-promotion, Shaq Fu was hailed as the greatest game of 1994 and a must-own for every follower of Shaq.
  • All I'm going to say is, everyone used to wear really short shorts in the NBA, but they were "coincidentally" lengthened about the same time Shaq entered the NBA. Think about it.
  • Still often asks Kobe for the ball, even when they're not playing on the same court.
  • Missed 1337 consecutive free throws.
  • Makes a free throw about once every three years.
  • On April 17, 2002, while playing against the Milwaukee Bucks, O'Neal became the first NBA player ever to give a buttery duck (rubbing one's geutch sweat on another person) to another player during a regulation game.
  • Fought the Lizard King in Vietnam and became Lord of the Hamsters of New Guinea.
  • Defeated Kyle Whitaker in a 2-on-1 basketball game. Whitaker's partner was Aaron Carter.
  • Chucks basketball fans into orbit if they make too much noise.
  • One game Shaq broke the backboard when he bricked a free throw and shattered the glass. Obscure announcer Bill Raferty, who was officiating the game, yelled "Send it in, Jerome!". Why he said this, I don't know.
  • Was so angered by the new, inexpensive NBA basketball that he burst it with one hand.
  • Every morning, he eats a fresh baby to keep his weight at an even 500 pounds and uses the Shaq-Rack to keep his height of 8’1”.

Trivia

  • He beat the Chinese in ping-pong in 2004 while simultaneously outsmarting Gargamel in order to save the Smurfs, commonly believed to be Communist spies. Immediately after, he took down Tiger Woods in golf. Then, he went back to his cartoon role of being the Terminator.
  • Plans are underway to have Shaq made into a national park, with or without his consent.
  • His arch-enemy is Yao Ming (and Kobe, when he won't pass the ball).
  • Shaq's life was recorded by the influential classical poet Homer Simpson in his masterwork The Shaqiodyssey.
  • Was a member of the band T.O.A.S.T.
  • Kobe, nigga, tell me how my ass taste.
  • Will be starring in the upcoming A-Team movie.
  • Starred in the pilot episode of "Tae-Bo: The Next Generation" as the lovable but naïve android.
  • Shaq was scheduled to be the mysterious 13th fighter in the original Super Smash Bros., but was taken out at the last second because the developers couldn't figure out how to fit his gigantic feet on-screen.
  • Shaq smokes four packs of cigarettes per day. He doesn't think it is funny.
“Moral of this story is: don't lose no $40 million, don't build no damn Shaq-bot, oh yeah, and be a friend...pass the ball...and don't be rapin'...you listening to me, Kobe?”
~ Shaq on this page

This article uses material from the "Shaquille O'Neal" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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