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Slovensko
Slovak Empire
Slovakia
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Better than you."
Anthem: The Government Totally Sucks (track no. 6 from the Tenacious D movie soundtrack)
Image:LocationSlovakia.png
Capital Zaporocky
Largest city Luník IX
Official languages Latin, Slovak Language, Slotan, American
Government Despotic Empire
  Eternal President   Roberto de la Fićo (pronounced "Robertco de la Fucko")

(Robert the Parrot)

National Hero(es) Szlota János, Csák Máté Trencséni, Jerzy Janosik
Declaration
of Independence
  1993 A.D.
Currency Euro €(from 2009, before: krona)
Religion national slotaism
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Slovakia.

Slovakia (Slovak: Slovensko) officially the Slovak Republic is a landlocked country in Central Europe, bordered by Czech Republic, Poland, Ukraine, Hungary and, the most significant neighbour state of Molvania. Slovakia is member state of the European Empire since May 1 2004. Slovaks are very well known for their love towards all nations, peoples, around of them, Slovaks share the biggest part of their love with Hungary. Even the president of Slovakia can't help himself and he masturbates to the photos of Hungarian prime minister. However, in the year 2005 Slovakia launched a nuclear warhead on Hungary and killed the national cow of Hungary; thus this nice period ended. However, Austria started to hit on Slovakia. Germany got suspicious told a young, dumbass Slovakian to shoot an Austrian Archduke. (Hell, if it worked back in the day, imagine how stupid they'll feel when the irony of country sodomy comes back to screw them over, literally.) Wait that's Serbia.

“Eastern Europe? Now that's upper class story!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Slovakia
“I don't see Slovakia anywhere, on any pre-Trianon map.”
~ László Bártos on The Empire Illegaly Formed from Upper Hungary
“Are you nucking futs?!”
~ Czech residents on the former Czechoslovakia

Ever since the destruction of Czechoslovakia, the back end of the singing duet has gotten the short end of the stick. Nobody remembers Slovakia. Unlike their semi-neighbor, Poland, people actually forget that they forgot it. Others, who do remember it, quickly forget it again, as they are unable to determine whether the people there are Slovaks, Slovenians, or Pirates.

It is curiously important to note that Slovaks adopt the ideas of "modern transportation". Czechs did not convinced them that there is only Škoda, and the poor bastards did not sell enough cars (hence Volkswagen bought them out). After a recent national birthday party, they started work on building a road, as newer Škoda models have finally started to resemble normal cars. They reportedly reach speeds approaching 1000km/h.[1]

Slovakia continues to be the world's premier exporter of coffee filters. But due to not so recent invasion of Starbucks, Slovakia's economy has been rendered insignificant. Slovakia is also the world's leading exporter of wax. To decrease shocking unemployment rates, and give its people something to do, the Slovakiorific emperor has declared that every day is Hobo Hunting Day. These tactics have proved to be extremely useful, and are propelling Slovakia into the minefield of today's modern society. Although their hobo issue is all but solved, Slovakia faces other issues. In an effort to save themselves, they leech off of the resources of the CIA CCCP (Countries Constantly Confronting Prostitution) SWAT (Swearing and Walking Asbestos Treaty) organizations. Another major export are nannies and cheap gold digging whores. (Although the hot ones are always welcomed and received with warm hearts, and encouraged their export)

Recent admittance of Slovakia to the Arab League has made Slovakia a global purveyor of marbles. More revealing facts about Slovakia can be gleaned from a recent documentary movie named "Eurotrip" (2004). Another very insightfull documentary is the Nobel Prize awarded "Hostel" (2005). The director Eli Roth and his crew of 75 penguins lost their lives in the effort to lift the veil of secrecy around the mysterious Slovak national food supposedly called "Halušky".

Contents

History

Ever since 1000 AD, what we now know as Slovakia was part of Hungary, and its people were known by the backwards, derogatory name "Hungarians". However, after World War One, Woody Woodpecker and the Allies who beat Hungary wanted to punish Hungary even more, so they went to Pózsónárszaszlóbiroféhervarny and renamed it Bratzislava and gave everyone in the region a new language to learn. The vast majority of the people welcomed the new language known as 'Esperanto' so warmly (mostly because they could never understand Hungarian anyway) that they invented a whole new nation around it. Unfortunately, the name 'Esperanto' and everything to do with it was copyrighted by the Hungarians as a dastardly attempt to destroy the new language.

The people of the new nation of Czechoslovakia stepped in, saying that they'd share their name with the Esperanto, so long as their lands would join Czechoslovakia and submit to their almighty overlord Tony Blair, who invented Czechoslovakia in the same way a year before after going back in time after finding out he would not become EU President after all. The Esperanto chose the 'Slovakia' part of the name for their nation and renamed Esperanto 'Slovak'. The Czechoslovaks thought they were alright just as 'Czechs', but soon they were to find the fatal flaw in their plan.

In 1993, Slovaks hated the Czechs because they'd told them to stop oppressing the Hungarian minority who refused to take up Esperanto in 1919. They thus declared independence as 'Slovakia', before realising they had no economy at all, resulting in all Slovaks falling under the spell of Bernie Madoff, Postal Gold, the African guy from Fonejacker, and Scientology. They also became nomads in 2001 when told to by their Chief Thetan-President Tom Cruise.

The Czech side, meanwhile, realised that they had no name for their country anymore since 'Czechia' sounded shit, and promptly were unanimously voted off the UN and told to do the walk of shame by Anne Robinson. They went on to fall under the spell of Moonieism.

Slovaks are "Slow Fucks" (not True) unable to become a developed country on schedule. It's the backward-@$$ country featured on actual-comedy movie "Eurotrip".

Politics

Slovakia gained its absolute political independence on 1st of January 1993. This day is known as the Independence Day; however, it is celebrated on July 4th, together with the rest of the world. The major leaders, later considered as national heros, unified all Slovak provinces in order to form Slovak-Goat Empire. The first ruler, Vladimír Mečiar (Vladimír I.) also founded new ideology generally known as Mechiarism (Slovak: Mečiarizmus).

Six years of prosperity was interrupted by great fight for control over the empire in 1998. Finally, the throne was taken by Mikuláš Dzurinda (Mickey the Terrible) for 8 years. Slovak-Goat Empire was thrown into the war with Hungary and many people were suffering.

In 2005 was Mickey the Terrible beaten by contemporary ruler Robert Fico (Robert the Parrot), the indirect ascendant of Mečiar's family. Robert the Parrot declared peace with Hungary and finished the bloody war. Vladimír Mečiar became one of the major councils of the new emperor, together with Ján Slota, the well known fighter for Hungarian rights.

The fight ended and Hungary was given the sacred Lego blocks from which a house was made from, all of Slovakia was made from Lego blocks, and with that they enjoyed a joyful feast of lego turkey and peas.

Some politologists pointed out that Slovaks never proved that they can rule themselves. The strong influcence of goats in the Slovak-Goat Empire supports this hypotesis. It was even suggested that the empire is already under full control of goats and some authorities are convinced that the goats are masqueraded Hungarians.

Culture, religion and ideas

The luxurious residence in Luník IX, the largest city.]] The majority of Slovaks don't suffer from lack of common sense, and therefore their religion dictates they cannot consume drinks that are chilled with ice. Slovak tradition strictly states that children must never catch a cold, less their mighty pagan god strike them dead. Hence the long underwear worn daily.

The famous artist Andy Warhol is Rusyn NOT SLOVAK: Perkelt S. Haluškami was actually born in the small village of Kurvia Hora, Slovakia, and his Slovak background had a totally no influence on him at all. He didn't even know about it. Despite this, angry villagers in the Tatra mountains, walked to New York city in the early 90's and plundered an art gallery after an art gallery, until the Slovaks had reclaimed all of the precious art of their lost national hero. The result is that Andy Warhol paintings and sculptures are used as a currency in the local trade economy. Current Exchange Rates: One famous painting of Marilyn Monroe, Mao Zedong or Campbell's Tomato Soup gives 1/4 of a goat or 7 sheeps.

Unlike other countries, religion is no problem in Slovakia. Socialism is not a problem. You might think socialism was beaten to death during the so-called Velvet Revolution of 1989 yet it still persists and everyone's very happy about that - especially soon-to-be-dead deaf blind and dumb retired people (most of whom are actually braindead, but still capable of walking and blabbering) who don't hesitate and always elect a person that steals as much money as possible (a popular national sport) and brings back those joyful memories of having no democracy at all. Notice that Slovak people under the socialistic rule wanted to be Christians, what was prohibited by the great commrade Lenin and his accomplices. After the revolution, feeling free, all of them joined the church and chose it as their new dictator. Normally, if your opinion doesn't correspond to that of your local saint pedophilliac pastor, no-one bothers frowning upon that. You are simply excomunicated from the church, your house is burnt down and then you are burned at the stake.

Sport

The main sport practiced by Slovaks is jealousy, virtually everyone practices it and it has become even more popular than hobo hunting. A typical everyday encounter goes something like this:

A: Hi, how are you?
B: ahhhhhhh.
A: Jerkface.

(Of course this would be said in the language of Slavonian which is a cross between ancient Chineese and armadillo.) Another common sport is Škoda-racing where Škoda drivers try to out-drive fast-paced walkers killing the most hobos, with the walkers woving to not walk faster than 10km/h for the sake of fairness.

There have been rumors that hockey is also quite popular in Slovakia, which is true. Hockey is very popular and Slovak people can beat any other team single handed.

The most popular Slovak sport, right after the jealousy, are all kinds of Stealing Arts, only popular among Gypsy minority. However, the high society (Mafia, Politicians and Lawyers) prefer to play friendly game known as hide-and-steal. The rules of this game already become part of the Slovak Constitution (officialy written in Latin to be easily understood by public). This happened after the throne was taken by contemporary emperor Robert Fico, better known as Robert the Parrot.

Music

Slovaks don't love hip-hop.

Their TOP 10 (according to the rappoganda):

  • No Name (Despite popular belief, these guys do have name, it is: WEAREOBSESSEDWITHNECROPHILLIA and play br000000tal death metal, however their producer thought they should be called No Name as it has a very deep meaning. It doesn't.)
  • No Choice
  • H16 (As their name suggests, a gansta rappa group from the Petrzalka Ghetto made out of 16 year old school boys)
  • DJ Vec
  • Kontrainfarkt (could be translated as anti-heart attack)
  • Druhá Strana
  • A.M.O (also known as EMO)
  • Drtivá Menšina
  • CISTYCHUJ
  • Lúza
  • Názov Stavby
  • Slovenská hudobná skupina
  • Halo Pabera
  • Zverinec
  • Green Day
  • Poduška
  • Bartolomej Slivka
  • Laska moja 'de sy, chibas my ta 'de sy

Officially, though, they love the band Desmod and Peter Cmorik.

Transport

The official transport system for Slovakia is better than any other country's transport system. The Railway system of Slovakia rules. Slovakia's national airline "Slovkie-Air" was also a cow but with a seat belt. This was upgraded in 2003 to a brand new fleet of second hand German bicycles. They serve as the flagship of Slovakia's brief and distinguished aviation fleet.

Famous Slow Fuck people

  • Ján Slota (a.k.a Szlota János) - He attacked Budapest in the year 1528 B.B. (before Budapest) and became immortal; strangely enough, he is best known for his sympathy and friendship towards Hungarians and he is also Slovakia's official spokesman in Hungarian language
  • Satan - Captain of the National Hockey team, The HellCows.
  • Junichiro Koizumi (a.k.a Janko)
  • Batman (a.k.a Netopieri muž)

Exports

  • Beer
  • Cheese
  • Good food
  • Beer
  • Wine
  • Some other food
  • People equipped with self-preservation behaviour
  • Jelousy
  • Beer
  • Crack
  • Cheap sluts
  • Slow fucks to Chicago, Toronto, France, Ireland and Mongolia
  • Crafty like the Mexicans or the Japanese.
  • Spirits
  • Pensioners to Siberia
  • ...and Beer

References

  1. The first Škoda car (Škoda 100) which was seen to exceed the speed of 10km/h was pushed by 3 cows down the hill. Transportation system in Slovakia is booming!

This article uses material from the "Slovakia" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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