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Spongebob (Vice President)
Spongebob (Vice President)
Term of office: 2005 – present
Preceded by: Abe Simpson (1999-2004)
Succeeded by:
Date of birth: 1986
Place of birth: some world
First Lady:
Political party: The Hi Seas
“The Angel's hiding in that pineapple! The bastard's mine!”
~ Asuka Langley Sorya on the Last Episode of Spongebob
“I'm ready, I'm ready!”
~ Spongebob Squarepants, mistaken, on an approaching Eva
“I don't know what anything is.”
~ Spongebob on not knowing what karate is
“DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TIE A FUCKING KNOT?!!!!!!!!!”
~ Spongebob on Knots
“Whoa just take it easy man.”
~ Drake Parker on above quote

SpongeBob SquarePants was a gripping Academy-Award winning Dramatic Television Series following the story of a War-Torn Undersea Nation known as Bikini Bottom. Known for its overzealous non-human emotion and stunning visual effects, S.B.S.P. is set in the Northern Atlantic Ocean Undersea Nation of Bikini Bottom, where the U.S. Navy rules the poor sea creatures with an Iron Fist, much like is so in Iraq. It stars Slim Shady as SpongeBob, Samuel L. Jackson as Patrick (he's in everything), Jackie Chan as Squirdward, George Dubya Bush as Sandy, Former United States Gov. of Texas and Ronald McDonald as Mr. Krabs, Homer Simpson as Plankton, and Rosie O'Donnell as Mrs. Puff. Also guest-starring Ricki Lake as Pearl (P.E.A.R.L.). It should also be noted that the show took place during an era of time in which really obscenely long names were popular. He is currently a member of the Legion of Doom. Since 2005, Spongebob is the Vice President.

Contents

Characters

SpongeBob SquarePants

Singing "Goosestep On Me Tonight, Mama! Aw, Yeah" during Spongebob's 1939 Fascist to Fascist Tour

SpongeBob SquarePants is the Main Character (and biggest gay, since he hugs Patrick) of the show. He was born Sponge Jessica Robert William Herbert Square Pants on September 11, 1801 in the quiet, small town of Speedo, NY. Not much is known about SpongeBob's youth, other then it was a troubled one, with constant phone calls home from the school and the occasional accusations of sodomy and forced fellatio. SpongeBob would later on in life change his name to SpongeKill NaziPants in support of Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party, a.k.a. the Third Reich. At the beginning of the War, SpongeBob was living in Germany, where he first came into contact with a young charasmatic misfit by the name of Adolf. The friendship budded into a romance soon after, and during the outbreak of the War, SpongeBob served as Hitler's personal bathing sponge. Towards the end of the War, with Ally forces moving in ever so swiftly, quickly approaching, SpongeBob fled to the underwater utopia of Bikini Bottom. Upon hearing the news, Hitler somberly rose from his desk, with his head down, and quitely said "I see". Hitler then went to the library of his underground bunker and shot himself in the head while simultaneously biting into a Cyanide capsule. The War was over, and SpongeBob was tucked away safely in Bikini Bottom. Later on in life, SpongeBob found work at a local eatery called "The Krusty Krab" (henceforth referred to as The Krusty Krab) and developed a relationship with several local residents. His daily repeated cycle consisted of waking up, yelling "I'm ready to kill the American Infidels", though the latter part of that quote was rarely heard, and flipping burgers into a delectable morsel known only as the "Krabby Patty". After the death of Hitler, SpongeBob was devastated, and devoted his life to getting back at America for causing his lovers death.

His origins are unknown, but around the 3rd Season of the Show, it was revealed that he was conceived when Mr. Clean used a Sponge to wipe up some semen stains left by his lover. He's father has to this day not yet been revealed, but the Sponge that gave life to SpongeBob was named Bertha. Bertha died of cervical cancer 2 weeks after giving birth to SpongeBob. SpongeBob is a pedophile and a recovering drug addict, by his own admission. His drug of choice in the past was a combination known fondly as a "Speed Ball" by drug addicts (a mix of Cocaine and Heroin), which he inserted via a syringe into his nutsack, which was then shared with 10, 20, or sometimes more, fellow drug addicts.

His favorite alcoholic beverage was said to have been a 42 oz. Black-Toothed Grin with an umbrella on the left side. Because of his loose, reckless life style, SpongeBob has contracted the Herpes virus an astounding 32 times throughout his life, as well as the Clap, twice. Because of his constant inserting of a needle into his balls, they are said to be as hard as steel, with coarse crusty crumpled up veins running through them. SpongeBob stands at 2 feet 5 inches, his growth stunted because of his constant drug and alcohol abuse. He has two very noticeable buck teeth that have been compared to the size of a dinner plate, or Oprah's thighs. His breath smells of rancid moldy lunch meat and tobacco. SpongeBob has been bald since birth. He had also been accused of consuming babies.

After the War ended, SpongeBob retired to a villa just outside of the city limits of Bikini Bottom. He lived out his remaining days there, until he died at the age of 210. The cause was said to be congestive heart failure. (As told in the EPILOGUE in the final episode). However, recent reports have discovered that a man named Osama Bin Laden with identity profile of SpongeBob was reported after death.

SpongeBob left behind an undeniable legacy, as well as a faithful legion of fans, nowadays known as Neo Nazi's.

Spongebob after finding out Hitler committed suicide

Patrick E. Star

Patrick E. Star, leading the Troops in a Nazi Salute.

Patrick E. Star is SpongeBob Square Pants right-hand man, and often led the Nazi Troops into battle against the American Infidel Troops. His ranking was 1st Class Master Sgt., and he was known for his stone cold demenaor on the battle field, garnering him the nickname "Stone Wall Packson". Not much is known about Patrick, other than that he is technically mentally retarded, and as such is often taken advantage of by not only SpongeBob but various residents of Bikini Bottom. Patrick was once conned into giving blowjobs to the entire staff of the Krusty Krab, by being told that the manhood he was feeding on was a Krabby Patty on a stick. Star had an insatiable hunger, for food.

Sadly, at the close of Season 3, Patrick was shot dead with an AK-47 while attempting to cross the street in Downtown Bikini Bottom during the winter. The bullets that were dug out of his cadaver were those of the American Troops, making it an act of "Friendly Fire", as Patrick had just earlier betrayed SpongeBob for the Americans in hopes of nailing Sandy's sweet sweet ass. Patrick died instantly, after suffering for 45 minutes bleeding out onto the ground. The fatal wound was to his abdomen. After Patricks death the Communists under Nazi Terror (C.U.N.T) Trained one of Patricks Retarded kids to replace Patrick. Codenamed Patrick Jr or P.J. Patrick Jr. Led on to lead a sucsessful invasion of Snork land. P.J is now the star of the show and constantly rapes Spongebob. Here is footage of Patrick getting shot by SpongeBob:

Sorry, the vid was removed by someone and not Viacom!
During his course on the show, it was revealed that he was one of SpongeBob's various lovers. Star was the first one SpongeBob met upon his move to Bikini Bottom. The two struck up a friendship when they found they had a love of Jellyfishing in common, as well as a hatred for the Americans. It was revealed that SpongeBob took Patrick's anal virginity, which he videotaped, and then posted it all over the Interwebs. It was downloaded a record 19 million times on LimeWire. Patrick E. Star was born Patrick Ernesto Star in Las Vegas, Nevada, though raised in Bikini Bottom, to Marty James Star and Janet Reno. His mother and father were feircely overweight. Patrick was, indeed a fat-ass when he was born, and managed to keep up with his obese body.. But when he was five, he learned that his parents, like patrick, had been overweight all their life, and Patrick began to fear his parents, realizing they were terrible role models. he screamed and ran into his closet.Patrick stayed in there until he briefly died of starvation and thirst. That is, until he was given the power to live the rest of his life being anorexic, and soon came back to life. He jump roped every day, and ate nothing.
Patrick Star, in his unwavering support of SpongeBob Square Pants.

Squidward Testicles

Squidward, right before the Hanging.

Squidward Testicles is a (former) ruler of Bikini Bottom. After the American Troops invaded Bikini Bottom, Squidward was taken into custody for acts against the New World Order (the new leaders, not the Wrestling faction). Prosecution included ass rape and cutting of his testicles, making his last name famous. He was then fucked up the ass in Bikini Bottom Town Square. He was 31 years old. Hobos were welcome to fuck him for food and there was much rejoicing.

He was then hung in front of the whole town.

Squidward's background is much debated, as some sources say he was a belly dancer at a local strip club before bringing down the Bikini Bottom Govt. and ruling, while others claim he was a docile do-gooder who was taking classes at the local Community College. They claim he Majored in American History with a Minor in Psychology, and has aspirations to become a History Professor at an Ivy League College.

It was revealed in the show's Epilogue that Squidward and SpongeBob were lovers as well. Squidward, being the more experienced of the two, taught SpongeBob many of the moves in bed he used up until his death. SpongeBob was quoted as saying "You know, Squid was the best lover I ever had. If only the guy had smiled more often!"

Squidward Testicles was born Squidwad (Yes, Squid-WAD) Testicles III in Red Light District, Bid Bikini Bottom to Squidwad Testicles II and Lily Deep.

Oh, and he has no balls, but you can see that right away because he never wears pants.

Sandra J. Cheeks

Sandy Cheeks: Decorated American War Hero, probably singing about how much she misses SpongeBob.

Captain Sandra J. Cheeks was a Sgt. for the American Forces during the Bikini Bottom War. Sandy was born to a mundane and thrill-less life, growing up in an old farm house in rural Texass. Sandy often passed the time making Pees in a Can pie, drinking Moon Shine from her 10 gallon hat, and having sex with the cattle.

In the early stages of the War, Sandy arrived in Bikini Bottom, after being recruited by the Americans in Roswell, NM during a future-soldier training camp. She came highly regarded, and was said to be the most promising recruit in many years. She could crack open a skull with her pinky finger and fought just as hard as she lived. In preparation for what she would witness upon arrival in Bikini Bottom, and to brace herself to be tough, every morning she would drive spikes through her feet, then walk on them all day, only taking them out when she went to sleep. She was said to be so use to it by the time she left that the spikes gave her orgasmic pleasure when she drove them through, and she would convulse pleasureably on the floor before breakfast.

Sandy lived up to her resume. Only 2 months after she arrived in war-torn Bikini Bottom, she was promoted to Sgt. 1st Class, after racking up a total of 12,000 Nazi Force murders. Most by beheading. After the beheading, she would often stick her victims decapitated head into her hoo-jay, and smear the blood on her chest. Indeed, she was as tough as they came.

SpongeBob shown in blackface while the series aired in syndication on Niggerlodeon.

During one of her last missions, on a fateful cold October day, she met SpongeBob Square Pants, Leader of the Nazi Forces. She recalled being swept off her feet by his devestatingly good looks, and charming way with words. Only minutes after meeting SpongeBob, they were back at his place doing the naked cha-cha. Sandy proclaimed to him she would quit the American Forces, to live out a life of Nazism with him. Her original mission was to infiltrate the Nazi H.Q. and pass back whatever information she learned to the American Forces. Instead of this, she unexpectedly fell in love. Her affair was found out by C.P.O. Karen (better known as Plankton's ex-wife), and the Americans forbid her to leave base ever again. On November 15th, Sandy Cheeks went out on her last mission. Her task this time was to plant C4 to the undercarriage of SpongeBob's Nazi Mobile, then detonate it from a distance when he next left to do his daily Nazi converting rounds, thus effectively ending his Nazi Supreme Reign. Upon arrival, though, Sandy had a change of heart. Instead of planting the C4 on SpongeBob's car, she planned to return to the Americans and plant it under her Commanding Officer's car. Just as Sandy was turning around from facing SpongeBob's Car, though, a shot rang out. Sandy died instantly from a .45 slug to the temple, shot by none other than SpongeBob. He had caught wind of the American's plan over radio waves, and figured Sandy had come to do their bidding. Sadly, he never found out the truth.

Sandy J. Cheeks was posthumously awarded the Star of Bravery by the American Forces, for her dedicated work to end the Nazi Regime.

Sandra J. Cheeks was born Sandra Jennifer Cheeks-Willis in Encino, California, though raised in Austin, Texas, to Tea Bagger Willis and Ellen Degenaruth Cheeks.

Ballsac

not an actual character

Eugene Craps

Krabs, before the cosmetic surgery.
Eugene Craps is a polish-Jew, and is the financial benefactor to both SpongeBob and the Americans. He is a Veteran of many Wars, including the War of 1812, World War II, The French Civil War (France lost), The Clone Wars, and the China - Bikini Bottom War(s). Like all filthy Jews, he was well known for his stinginess with money. His restaurant, The Krusty Krab, was originally a old people home, but krabs killed all the old people, and made it a shithole of epic proportions (The Underwater World's McDonalds, if you will). It's Trademark Sandwich, The "Krappy Patty", more or less a soggy and salty Big Mac, with more indegestion, had brainwashing powers capable of spawning repeat customers, though the Sandwich itself tasted like moldy hell. Krabs didn't care, though, this un-savory burger with it's mind-controlling powers was just another one of Krabs' many (furthermore futile) attempts to Jew people out of their money. The Krappy Patty, like most of Krabs' get-rich-quick schemes, died a slow, painful death soon after it was introduced, as it was the brain child of a complete lunatic. Many observers pondered why Krabs had such an insatiable hunger for Money, seeing as how he only ever kept it in a vault in his office. Posthumously, it was discovered that Krabs liked to lay all the money he owned out on his desk, strip down to nothing but a black lace thong, and dry hump the pile of dinero. Krabs during his lifetime was quoted as saying "There's nothing in this World like the sweet sensual touch of Money", meaning only Money could get him "off". After a life-long battle with Syphilis, the disease spread to Krabs brain, and he died in his retirement home in Augusta, GA (the Underwater part) at the ripe old age of 245. Phillip L. Hodger released a biography of Eugene H. Krabs about 10 years after his death, titled "The Money Hunger", which described intimate details of Krabs life leading upto the War, as told by close friends and family. In can be found in most "99 cents & under" bins in your local book store. Krabs remains are currently interred in the Underwater Museum Of Money Pinching Science located in Downtown Bikini Bottom, in a special closed off wing that only opens it's doors once a year on the last Friday of every November. There is talk of moving Krabs remains to his birthing ground of a muddy puddle of water in some hick town in a place where no one cares about, though.
Krabs in his heyday.

Krabs was the only character to stay neutral in the War during the entirety of it's run, claiming he "wouldn't get involved in a mess he knows nothin' about" Also because there was no profit to be made..

Eugune was born Eugune Crabs-Montgomery in a mud puddle in Mobile, Alabama, to Arthur McFulsterbugger Krabs-Montgomery and Arlene Dryess.

Sheldon J. Plankton (AKA The Green Piece Of Shit)

Sheldon J. Plankton is the former friend, now rival, of Eugene H. Krabs. Plankton established the Chum Bucket, a restaurant, in 1970 to compete with Eugene Krabs' Krusty Krab. Though things looked promising at first, the business never took off, leaving Plankton 5 million dollars out. Sheldon was forced to perform sexual favors to construction workers on street corners just to have enough to pay his rent and support him and his computer wife, Karen, (who would later join the American Forces in hopes of convincing them to turn on Krabs, their financial benefactor, who, oddly enough, was also SpongeBob's financial benefactor, and assassinate him, which would allow her husband, Plankton to re-open the Chum Bucket as the only restaurant in town. Sadly, Karen died only a few months after joining American Forces when someone unplugged her).

Long before the opening of the Chum Bucket, Plankton was friends with Eugune Krabs, and the two even had aspirations to open a restaurant of their own. One night while working late, trying to come up with the perfect ingredient, Krabs struck culinary gold. He had found the perfect ingredient for his Sandwich, the "Krabby Patty". When Krabs refused to tell Plankton the secret formula, Plankton vowed to make Krabs "rue the day" he crossed him, and told him he would find his own perfect ingredient, and put Krabs out of business before he even got into business. This started a 60 year long feud, in which Plankton would try, always failing miserably, to get to the Krabby Patty Secret Formula which was housed in Krabs' secret vault in his office at the Krusty Krab.

After Plankton's wife, Karen, died, Sheldon lost his will to live. He stopped bathing, and only ate once a week, if at all. He eventually died at the age of 109, of an anal infection, on the stove in the kitchen of his new restaurant, which had yet to open. While Karen was away fighting for the Americans, Plankton seemed to have found the perfect ingredient, apparently even better than Krabs' recipe. He had planned to open a new place, named "The Chum Bucket, Act II" in Downtown Bikini Bottom, and unveiling it with Karen as a co-owner when she returned. Upon her death, though, plans were pushed back, and Plankton didn't know if he would ever open the restaurant. Eventually he decided he would, and he'd dedicate it to her memory. Though sadly this never came to fruition.

Sheldon J. Plankton was born Sheldon Jeffrey Plankton in Ameoba Park, Bikini Bottom, to Longhard R. McHardyballs Plankton and Mia Aloe Cold Virus Robson.

Mrs. Poof

Mrs. Poof was born Sandra Elizbeta Colon, though the name change came soon after she became a Driving Instructor, due to a strikingly similar situation to the one she would later live through with SpongeBob. In this case, though, she does flee from having to teach a young un-teachble Ecuadorian teen with awful driving mechanics how to properly do so. Upon moving to Bikini Bottom during the time of War, she worked as an Airbag for the Troops, as she inflates upon a collision. Her job was later updated to include teaching the Soldiers how to drive Armored Tanks, which is how she met SpongeBob. Much like the Ecuadorian teen of her younger days, SpongeBob seemed to have a goddamn mental block, and could just not learn how to not "floor it". The relationship would soon become strained, and Puff eventually would quit, without notice, and attempt to flee to South America. She was soon after discovered in an Airport Terminal in an UN-DISCLOSED Location by a former Soldier on vacation whom she had (poorly) taught how to drive. Upon being flown back to the barracks, she was shot in the face close range with a sawed-off shotgun, for refusing to cooperate with her superiors. Her age upon death was much debated, sparking a controversial late Saturday night talk show, starring Lou Diamond Phillips. She was (apparently) either 43 or 60. We'd tell you, the reader, more about her life, background story, and the "legacy" she left, but honestly, who gives a shit about a Big Fat Meanie?

Mrs. Poof, as aformentioned, was born Sandra Elizbeta Colon in Hoboken, New Jersey, though she was raised in Quito, Ecuador, to Alberto Gonzales Macchiato Colon and Hermias Cinco De Mayo Guzman.

Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy

Retired Super Heroes who act like your usual old people. They were fired for making more harm than good, and accidentally causing World War II. SpongeBob got them out of retirement to help him in the War, as he was fans of them, but later found out they were gay and left them. Desperate for a meaningful purpose they started their own Television show, which only lasted for 3 Episodes. With no where else to turn, they signed up to fight in the War. However, upon their physical examinations, it was found that Barnacle Boy had stage 3 terminal malignant Lung Cancer, from years and years of smoking, and soon after died. Mermaid Man found it hard to cope, and eventually committed suicide to be with his life-long lover and best friend. By the end of Season 2, the duo had ceased to exist. Their lifelong rivals, The Dirty "Shit" Bubble and Man-Ray, signed up to fight in the War, though they not long after went A.W.O.L. They are still at large, presumably still leading a life of crime. Many speculate they are responsible for the recent spike in underwater crime, namely the heneous acts of Rape, Sodomy, and throat-slitting Murder.

Mermaid Man was born Earl Raphael Lewinski in Lake Buena Vista, Florida, to Abbot J. Crackems-Lewinski and Maude Flores. Barnacle Boy was born Johnathan Ridell Horrace in Detroit, Michigan, to Leroy J. Kins-Horrace and Miriam Haustafeffer.

Pearl - P.E.A.R.L.

P.E.A.R.L. attack in the first battle of Bikini Bottom.

Pearl is Eugene H. Krab's illegitimate "daughter". P.E.A.R.L. is her prostitute name. Her true origin is unknown. Pearl really belongs to Spongebob, her pimp, and is really Mr. Krab's sex slave. They have regular sex(with a fee of $500 a night according to spongebob). She was once to be fucked by Squidward, but he couldn't afford a night. So business wasn't soo good. Pearl was soon replaced by Patrick(Particia). After meeting with Mr Krabs and Squidward Testicles, Patricia had them put in money and make it a 3 way. However, after realizing Patricia had a dick, Patricia's career came to an end. So P.E.A.R.L. came back. After joining Bikini Bottom Air Force. Spongebob and P.E.A.R.L.'s financial relationship ended.

The Relationship Between Spongebob And Patrick

Spongebob met Patrick in his mothers womb, Spongebob's mother had gone to a Chinese restaurant and ordered a pound of steak but instead received a Starfish's womb. Unfortunately Spongebob's mother was blind at the time and his Dad wasn't paying attention as he was busy arranging his cutlery for 45 minutes and the poor woman ate the whole womb where the fetus of Patrick found its way to the currently occupied womb of Spongebob's mother. Spongebob decided to let it fly for once and shared the womb with Patrick until they were both born at exactly the same time on February 32nd 1933. The force of two grown men being pushed out of Spongebob's mother's vagina at once stretched it in great proportion and she can now fit a baby Elephant in her vagina. She doesn't tend to tell many people this but has been known to use it as a party trick on multiple drunken occasions.

Spongebob and Patrick joined the Hitler Youth at the age of 10.


This article uses material from the "Spongebob Squarepants" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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