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Swiss: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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“Swiss? Aren't they just pacifist Germans?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Swiss
“Pretty Much...”
~ Francis Bacon on Wilde

1. Urban slang for "tree", as in the famous quote from Oscar "G-Money" Wilde, "Yo, bitch, dat Swiss be lookin' mad stately."

2. A type of hole, noted for its roundness and vacuity.

3. Pretend Italians

4. Pretend French

5. Pretend Germans

6. Retro-Romansh

6. Real Romansh (Actually, there are more Muslims living there)

7. Suburb of Basel

8. Characterizing the greatest naval fleet ever known to gnome-kind

9. A perverse person.

(Not necessarily in that order)


Other proper uses of the word

  • In certain African cultures, it is reputed that if you say the word "Swiss" softly and sensuously to yourself (like a love song whispered into your ear by a Nubian princess), while rubbing your armpits gingerly (like someone who has used deodorant which is far too strong), it will cure even the most malodorous case of gout.

The Army

After its break up from the holy Roman empire, Switzerland formed a national army. They have actually fought around twenty nine thousand, four hundred and thirty one battles, all of which they have lost. Why? Easy, it's the Swiss army knife. Yes, Switzerland's army became so ashamed of their loss of land and soldiers they dealed out pike mercenaries to cover up their flaws and to make them more appreciated as a military rather than a group of boyscouts. Its elite regements are the mountain tweezers followed by the bottle-opener airbourne and then the regular mainblades to the trainee battalions the toothpicks. In World War Two Germany felt sorry for them and so decided not to invade. Training operations consists of opening letters, repairing bicycle punctures, and removing splinters.

Things The Swiss Have Given The World

Albert Hoffman, inventor of LSD. Hippies love him, but he hates hippies. Good man!

The Swiss invented the cuckoo clock in 56,000BC. These timepieces are often hand-carved with various leaf patterns in a Black Forest sort of style, and instead of having a chime like a normal clock have a little wooden bird (which rarely looks even remotely like a cuckoo, but then not many people know what a cuckoo looks like. This includes cuckoos themselves, which is probably why you hardly ever see them - when a potential daddy cuckoo and a potential mummy cuckoo meet, they don't realise what each other are and so cannot mate. Hence there aren't many of them) that pops out of a tiny door and cuckoos. Exactly how these work is a mystery, since normal wild cuckoos are not known for their good time keeping. Presumably Swiss cuckoos are equipped with Swiss watches (or more likely Japanese ones, since the Japanese can make watches that cost a few pounds that are more accurate than any Swiss watch). As you can imagine, the overall effect is somewhat tacky and twee. Clockologists believe that the cuckoo clock was inspired by the rare clock cuckoo, which is known to have existed in the Black Forest until about 1600 (this magnificent bird is now extinct in Europe except for a small colony in Portugal). The male clock cuckoo builds an elaborate clocklike nest in an attempt to attract a mate, who will lay her eggs inside the nest after mating. Both sexes in the pair feed the young until they leave the nest via the little door thoughtfully constructed by the male parent.

The H.R. Geiger-designed cuckoo clock did not sell well to tourists.

Bizarrely, the thing that the Swiss are most famous for after cuckoo clocks is H.R. Geiger, an artist who works in a very different style. Switzerland is famous for its chocolate, especially Toblerone which is produced from the dried bark of the chocolate tree, one of the few crops to grow well in Switzerland's harsh climate. I met a vegan Swiss woman once, which surprised me, because I thought the only food you could get in Switzerland was chocolate. They also invented LSD, which was nice of them.

Toblerone. Marianne Faithful's Swiss counterpart is HARDCORE!

Famous Swiss People

Odd Facts About Switzerland

  • Toblerone's distinctive shape is patented. The patent application was approved and signed by one Albert Einstein.
  • Switzerland is home to the world's largest manufacturer of marine engines.
  • There's a mountain in Switzerland that looks just like Cleopatra. If you squint a bit. And maybe take hallucinogenic drugs.

See Also

This Deutschland-related article appears to be lacking in efficiency. Its creator (who is probably Black, Jewish, or homosexual) will be eliminated.
Zerstören Sie!

This article uses material from the "Swiss" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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