“I'd pay a million for a ride on him!”
“What's a Parody?”
“You have caused Confusion and Delay!”
“It's Hell- it's Hell- it's helpful to our youth...”
“Thomas the Tank Engine is a mortal danger to the Youth of this Nation. Geez, I woke up all hung over after tripping on drugs and saw that crap on the TV and I killed my neighbor's kid. Honest mistake, really.”
Thomas the Tank Engine (originally known as Tom Hanks the Tank Engine) is an anthropomorphic wank engine which often operates on the Uncyclopedia railway, driving his adoring fans and passengers into misinformation and lies. He loves to tie people to train tracks and run them over. The name thomas derrives from the latin word 'thomas' meaning thomas, which is a name.
Thomas The Tank Engine is the most famous fictional blue talking steam engine in the world, and is more popular than even the Flying Scotsman, which, as every child knows, doesn't have a face, doesn't talk, and never falls down black holes in amusing ways.
When Thomas hits the buffers, instead of the driver being suspended on full pay, pending a full enquiry and drug-test results, a short fat man in a top hat will talk sternly to the locomotive whilst standing on an orange box and will say "Thomas, you have caused confusion and delay!" The engine will be taken out of service and made to shunt trucks until it is sorry. Only then will it be allowed back on the main line to be a Really Useful Engine again.
The Scarily faced Thomas the Tank Engine patrols his stretch of line screaming in his Ringo Starr Voice at anyone attempting to cross at a point which isn't a signal. He kills anyone in his way, including his Obese Controller.
Despite giving everyone frozen Satanic stares, Thomas and His Friends still run regularly. Chinese brainwashing from The Railway Chairman has them thinking work is a privilege.
The show stars Alec Baldwin as Thomas, Richard Simmons as Percy, Ashlee Simpson as Emily, John Kerry as Diesel, George W. Bush as Toby, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Henry, Carson Kressley as Gordon, Shaquille O'Neal as Thomas' driver and Jackie Chan as Chairman Mao in the season finale.
Government of the Island.
The island, which has no name, is ruled by an obease man who was knighted for unknow purposes. He is known as Sir Topham Hat, The Obease Controler, Sir Adolf Hitler, The Fat Controler, The Phat Controler, and Fatty. The Obease Cotnroler was born on July 45th 12 B.C., and is siblings of Adolf Hitler, Sadam Husein, George W. Bush, Dumbledoor, Osama Bin Laden, the god Hades, and Chairman Mao. After graduating from Dictator University, otherwise knonwn as DU, in 24 A.D., he took control of the island in the year 31 A.D. and imidatly formerd the People Rupublic of The Fellowship of the Obease Controler, which he has ruled since.
As in the name, the main character is Thomas, a bratty, blue tank engine. Despite living a life bound to the rails, he finds enjoyment in pulling flour, illegal immigrants and weapons of mass destruction. Thomas has the honor of pulling his hos, Annie and Clarabel. He also has insecurity issues, and his feeling of personal well being is dependent on the approval of others (mainly Sir Topham Hatt). Thomas' self esteem can be crushed by a single instance of criticism from the Fat Controller, and whenever he is told he is a Really Useful Engine he walks around with an inflated ego for at least a week. He lives and hangs with the Steam team:
During the 1930's, unemployment in the United States had skyrocketed, forcing many to find jobs elsewhere. For Thomas, this led him to Germany, where he is credited with transporting over 500,000 Jews (and other mistakes) to 'Disney Land'. Because of his work in the transport of inferiors, Thomas was personally awarded the Iron Cross by Adolf Hitler. Thomas had PR value in that he had the highest Kill/Death ratio of any locomotive. In addition to this, Thomas remains to this day the only train to run exclusively by Jews as a source of fuel. After the fall of the Third Reich, he went into hiding in Argentina, blending in with other locomotives. He is still wanted by The Hague.
There are evil diesels who plan on someday ruling the Island. They include Diesel (obviously), Diesel #10 (Diesels 2-9 were all killed when they partook in a riot), Salty, the children's favourite diesel boozehound, BoCo and his drag identity Daisy, Derek the mentally retarded diesel (aka Derek the very special diesel, which he isn't), Mavis the sexual commitment diesel who enjoys what she calls Hooking (which means sexing engines of all gender for money, in a scary way!!) and 'Arry and Bert, the twins diesels with necrophilia.
In this group are also Troublesome Trucks. They like Truckin', as their name suggests. Being overworked Factory slaves, they have the highest suicide rate on the Isle of Sod. But the Obesse Controller can simply purchase new ones with his money daily.
Other minor engines secretly lust for power but are forced to lay low. Lonely souls include Neville, a black engine who tried to date white chick Emily (pictured), and Molly the female engine with a man's face. Rosie - Thomas's groupie - is also unsuccessful in winning a mate.
This clique has more power than the Diesel minority. They run their own line, being too small for the big tracks. Being as small as they are, they occasionally vanish and stay gone for prolonged periods. Until they get lost again, here are the current denizens.
Finally, we have Chairman Mao, the Obese Controller. He refuses to give the engines water or coal-or coa-rrr as he calls it-unless they work all day long. He hires The Railway Inspector to watch the steamers while he eats, which is 80-percent of each day. Yes. He only Eats, Watches Porn, and sleeps. He was killed by Thomas the tank engine when it was found out he ate engines by turning them into chocolate fudge sundaes. The railway has since been taken over by a commie Arab who provides even less coal, calling it 'Change we can believe in'. He worked James to death and was immediately rewarded with a Nobel Peace Prize.
In the year 2000 the traditional "Trad" story was upgraded so that the whole world would not have to think and could be be bling and hip. This is the new story:
In circa 200,000 BC, a stumpy fat man searched for ways to make money. He went into a scrapyard and used voodoo chants to have souls possess the ruined engines. Now, with their disturbingly happy faces, the engines puff across the Island of Sober, making products to get their controller rich off of. The idea of Communism was originally implimented, but Gordon sought for higher control, which led to Lusts for Power from several other engines. Over the next 100000 years, the engines worked their buffers off,never meeting the technologic advances of the future as They Deliver Food Across the Island of Sober for thee Obesse Controller.
However, all was not well in the Island of Sober. Due to the British Government's poor transport funding, the Obese controller eventually lost the rights to his locomotives company, which went into liquidation. Thomas was sold off for scrap and his carcass has been spotted in Bangladesh, where he currently serves as a housing estate. Annie's current whereabouts are unknown, but rumours of her engagement to Stevie Wonder are not unfounded. Clarabel went on the run after her long career of prostitution was discovered by the local police.
Ever since, British tabloid papers such as The Sun have seized the opportunity to make tasteless headlines such as 'Runaway Train!' and 'FORMER CARRIAGE IN SEX SCANDAL HORROR - WE BLAME PRINCE HARRY'.
Even after Thomas was scrapped, all was not well. The other engines discovered his collection of crack. James,Percy and all the puffers quit smoking and tried Thomas' secret stuff. Unfortunately,order on the Island collapsed, and accident rates went up. By the year 2004, most engines were scrapped after overdoses. Others left to find work in democracies.
The Obese Controller outsourced the railway to India. He buys a couple of new engines now and then, and always keeps an engine to paint blue,to ensure the young ones that Thomas lives on.
Mistaken for the role in the X-Files as the bloke agent (not the one that looks like a man the real one), Richard Gere's career soared, and eventually met Edward at a Shaft convention in 1922. Gere (born 1643) wooed Edward with a Ferrari which Edward gave to Thomas who wrote it off during a 14 hour police chase. Edward and Richard had 5 children (3 of which were black and one of which was green (see Gere-Percy Scandal) and one of which fell out of a tree and broke its funnel, leaving it to suffocate). The divorce which followed in 1994 led Edward to drink and 'Misadventurous Spaz Running' which left Edward's boiler severely under-bitched. He left the show when Gere sued him for 'sass-riding' outside his home in Gollopsteriptonville, Iowa. Edward died in 1996 after a severe dismantling, his body sits next to Lenin's in the Kremlin.
In the episode The Fat Controller Screws The Butler, The Fat Controller was discovered to be having a gay sex affair with his butler. His wife found out about this and promptly began divorce proceedings. Two months later, The Fat Controller was arrested for sexually assaulting three trains and many more carriages. He was sentenced to fifteen years in prison. Upon his release, it was discovered that his beloved butler had died of a broken anus. The Fat Controller eventually sunk into a state of deep depression, and eventually took his own life by jumping in front of Thomas as he headed to the station. Thomas didn't stop, as Thomas was one of his victims. The Fat Controller's son, the Morbidly Obese Controller eventually took over his role.
In 1861, Gordon launched his solo career by founding a Gin brewery in Tunbridge Wells. After having no less than 12 hit singles during the 80's, he was publicly humiliated when news of his alleged affair with America's First Lady circulated among the media. Unfortunately, 20 years after his shameful exit from show business, Gordon committed suicide on 10th October, 1492. His son Ogadei went on to establish the Khanate of the Golden Horde, but this was short lived due to complaints from others in the neighbourhood.
Every single episode of Thomas ever created goes something like this (note: this isn't a real episode, but it could be):
It was spring on the Island of Sodor. The birds were singing, children were playing, and Thomas was puffing merrily down the tracks! (engine sounds)
"Peep! Peep!" whistled Thomas merrily to Gordon.
"Hmph!" Gordon chuffed. "You're not even a proper engine! You're just a rolling pin on wheels."
This made Thomas very angry. "Rolling pin on wheels!" he huffed. I'll show him."
Thomas went faster, and faster, until he reached the top of the hill. He tried to slow down, but he couldn't!
"Stop! Stop!" yelled Annie and Clarabel.
"I can't! I can't!" cried Thomas.
Driver applied the brakes, but it was too late!
(tremendous crash off screen)
"Oh dear," said the driver. "The Fat Controller will not be happy."
Nor was he. "Thomas, you have caused confusion and delay!" he said. From now on you will work in the quarry, shunting troublesome trucks."
"But what about my branch line?" asked Thomas.
"Percy will handle that," said the Fat Controller.
The next day, Thomas began work in the quarry. He hated it there! It was hot, and noisy, and smelly, and the trucks would not stop singing! Thomas could see Percy pulling Annie and Clarabel. "Oh, why did I ever try to show off?" he moaned.
Just then, a coupling broke. The trucks were headed down the hill, straight toward Percy! "On, on, faster, faster!" they cried.
"Hurry!" said Thomas. "Hurry!"He headed down the hill, stopping at the junction just in time! "Quickly!" he told the stationmaster. "Switch the points!"
The stationmaster switched the points, just in time!
(another tremendous crash off screen)
"Oh, thank you, Thomas!" said Percy.
That night, the Fat Controller came to visit Thomas in Tidmouth Sheds. "Thomas, you are a really useful engine!" he said.
"Oh, thank you, sir," said Thomas.
After the series became a big hit with children, the ass at HiT Entertainment created two spinoffs to the series. One titled the Fatty Show, and the other, My Name is Oliver. Both are based off of copyrighted shows.
The show was made by many fat people or gay women. They buy expensive Gauge 1 (1:32) scale models and fuck them up with faces made out of modeling clay. It has been rumoured that the shows creator, The Reverand W. Awdry possesed these models with evil souls. This is most likeley true because James acts like a Cereal killer. In order to keep their mouths shut about this theory, the Rev. W. Awdry superglues their mouths shut, limiting their movements to rolling their eyes, and their wheels moving while a 35mm camera films them, and they get voiced by George Carlin, Alec Baldwin, and Ringo Starr. The show is soon to be switching to CGI next year, causing major Cramps and Floods of tears by fattass fanboys.
Many believe that the coal featured in the final episode of the Season is what led to the untimely scrapping of the star. Anyway, all the episodes written in this colour were heavily edited after the finale and reaired as a new show. All the other episodes were stored away to be eventually redubbed as a documentary on Chinese labour.
On the Isle of Sod(or) today, the new and brightly coloured engines run the line to attract children and consumers. The original actors are scattered in places including Scrapyards, Asian Factories, Rehab Centres, Garbage Plants, the set of The Bill and the Obese Controller's stomach. Speaking of which, the Railway Chairman went down with James as he fell from a broken bridge. His last meal was a week long.
Characters that never saw the light of day:
Jack The Possibly Homosexual Engine: The Studio saw this character as offensive to the Homosexual population of both England and The United States, so the engine was never created.
Osama Bin Laden: A mysterious engine from a far off island called "Iran" who attempts to kill the Obease Controler.
George W. Bush: Osama Bin Laden's swarn enemy. On many ocassions he has been heard spewing the line "Fuck you Osama, you litle peice of shit!" It is THIS line that kept the studio from ever creating this engine.
Thomas and the Magic Railroad is an exercise in hedonism.
An evil person called Terry from Afghanistan arrives on Sodor and it turns out he has taken over from Chairman Mao, the Obese Controller.
Mr. Conductor has problems of his own. The mysterious gold dust that allows him to magically transport from place to place is running out, and without it there will be no way for anyone to travel to Sodor. The lost engine is able to travel between Sodor and Muffle Mountain via the Magic Railroad, but nobody knows where she is.
An old man named Burnett Stone lives on Muffle Mountain, near Shining Time. Unknown to everyone, he is the guardian of the lost engine. The engine crashed after an earlier encounter with Diesel 10, and ever since then he has been trying to repair her, so far without success.
His granddaughter Lily comes to visit him. She meets C. Junior, Mr. Conductor's cousin, who takes her to Sodor and introduces her to the talking engines who live there, including Thomas the Tank Engine. Later, Thomas is assigned to take Lily back, having discovered the start of the long-abandoned Magic Railroad by an old grotto. He finds a truck of special Island of Sodor coal and takes it with him. He arrives on the side of Muffle Mountain for he is, and Lily goes to her grandfather's house.
While there, Burnett shows her Lady, the lost engine, and explains his problem getting it to steam. Lily suggests using Island of Sodor coal from the truck Thomas brought. This proves to be exactly what was needed, and the engine comes to life. For the first time in years, Burnett smiles. Lily and Burnett take her along the Magic Railroad, which regenerates beneath her wheels. They are followed by Thomas, who has somehow found his way back to the line (he slid down the mountain into a pit that apparently led back to the Magic Railroad while going after Lily). They find their way back to Sodor, where Diesel 10 finds them and gives chase. He is foiled by the damaged Ribblehead Viaduct, which collapses beneath him.
Thomas, Lady, Burnett and Lily meet Mr. Conductor and Junior. They use the water from a wishing well and shavings from the rails of the Magic Railroad to make more gold dust, and the Island of Sodor is saved.
The film proved popular among the young children at whom it was aimed, but it was not only a critical failure (it currently has only a 20% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.com), but also a box office failure as well - it only made $15,933,506 domestically against a $19 million budget according to Box Office Mojo. The scale of the failure was so great that Britt Allcroft, who produced, directed, wrote and voiced Lady, was asked to step down from her production company. The film did manage to make an additional $3,814,503 in overseas sales, for a total of $19,748,009 in worldwide ticket sales.
Among the criticisms were complaints of poor acting, bad direction and an incoherent plot. British fans complained that the film Americanised the setting and featured characters from Shining Time Station, which was never broadcast in the United Kingdom, though it was shown in Ireland
A major character, Adolf Hitler, was entirely cut out of the film before its release, and so the plot elements that had been driven by him went unexplained. So close to release was this change that trailers for the film actually still featured him (such as a clip from the trailer in which he appears falling off the viaduct alongside Diesel 10). Oddly enough he still appears in the Movie during the Chase Scenes shown lying on the Back of Diesel 10 and giving off a 'Heil Hitler.
The same trailers also depicted Diesel 10 with an upper class English accent rather than the American one he had in the release. The reason for this change is either that there was a different actor playing Diesel 10 in the trailer (an English one instead of an American one) or that that was the voice of PT Boomer. It was revealed that the original voice of Diesel 10 was Australian voice actor Keith Scott.
Prior to filming, it had been announced that Thomas' voice would be provided by an Isle of Man taxi driver named John Bellis (who also worked as a fireman on the Isle of Man Steam Railway). However, during a test screening in Los Angeles, the test audiences disliked Bellis' voice for Thomas due to his Liverpudlian tones, claiming that he made Thomas sound too old. Subsequently, Bellis was dropped from his role and was replaced by Eddie Glen, who gave Thomas a more youthful voice.
It has also been revealed that Michael Angelis, the narrator for the UK version of the TV Series since 1991, would have been the voice for James & Percy. However, like Bellis, Angelis also suffered at the hands of the American test audiences, claiming that he made the characters sound too old. Eventually, James was voiced by Susan Roman, while Percy was voiced by Linda Ballantyne.
It has been revealed that George the Steamroller were originally in the film with roles but they never appeared in the finished film.
Edward was surprisingly absent and never written into the script.
Awards The film received two movie awards by 'I frigged the Cannes film festival for the 500th time' and 'Bu-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo' Awards.
From the TV Series
A number of characters are seen or mentioned in this film who previously appeared in the television series. These characters are:
The Fat Controller is seen throughout the movie on posters, and his voice can be heard (muffled) over the telephone in several scenes. All the characters in the movie refer to him as Sir Topham Hatt. His wife, Lady Hatt can be seen in a photograph in The Fat Controller's office.