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Uncyclopedia

Up to date as of February 05, 2010
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(Redirected to United Parcel Service article)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Hi, I'm Tim. Here's your Parcel.
“I ordered this three months ago and it still hasn't arrived! Bleh!”
~ Bob Dylan on UPS
“Ask not what Brown can do for you, but what you can do for brown.”

Under Paid Slaves (popularly known as UPS[1]) is a parcel-dropping service based in the United States of America. UPS controls roughly 80% of the lucrative parcel dropping and damaging market.

Contents

Goals

Expect a wait of 3-6 months for regular shipments

The main goal of UPS is to deliver your parcel under one of the following terms:

  • When your doorbell is broken.
  • While you are in the bathtub, shower, or making love (or, more likely in your case, while masturbating to Jem reruns).
  • Whenever you aren't home
  • After 7 p.m., when it's something you need for a 5 p.m. meeting with your gay lover.
  • Four hours after the pre-determined delivery time
  • Four days after the pre-determined delivery date
  • Four miles from your house
  • Never
  • After you die.
  • Beat to hell by the teenagers they hire to load/unload them on trucks.
  • The nano-second your ass cheeks touch the toilet seat after eating a large Mexican meal.
  • In a box thats been crushed by Rosie 'I Can't Believe she's not butter' O'Donnell.
  • With the word DILDO stamped on the box, when your parole officer has arrived for an unscheduled interview.
  • They will deliver your object in a box for a penis enlarger and come to the door with it when your girl freind is at your house

Foreign customers can generally expect a brokerage fee of approximately the package's weight in gold before/if (see above), they receive their package

Parcel Tracking

Parcel tracking is a method of letting the customer know how far lost their package is.

The tracking of the package can be accomplished by two methods both using a tracking number, which is a series of bizarre letters, numbers and symbols that all sound or look alike, and actually have no meaning, being selected by an advanced nonsensical algorithim.

Tracking can be done through the website or over the phone with a customer representative. When using the website all inquires that are not being incorrectly routed or that are not lost will bring up a page screen that says the tracking number is invalid and that you can call some long disconnected number.

If you do manage to reach a working number and the offices are still open you will be placed on hold and a pre-recorded voice will tell you to use the web-site. This will be repeated every thirty seconds until you hang up. If the pre-recorded voice is taking a union-issued mandatory coffee break you will speak with a human being.

When giving your tracking number for the 14th time the human will ask you questions simular to, but not limited to, "Did you say, 'B' or 'V?' oh ok, 'C', no 'D?' Did you say, 'Q' or 'F'? There are some cases where the package has arrived before the end of the phone call.

Delivery Truck

Not only a means to an end, the "big brown truck" has become an icon of blocking traffic and accelerating wildly when least expected. Most of the trucks in service today are still standard transmissions, though the drivers still look like sissies in those shorts no matter how long your shifter is. The true hauling capacity of the truck is unknown, as it has been suggested that UPS has pioneered a crude form of wormhole technology. Not having even come close to mastering this technology it only becomes another way to lose your package, but this time in an alternate dimension. It is common practice for the truck to be driven with both side doors wide open, this allows the driver to bail out quickly for emergency crapper breaks due to his 5th pot of coffee finally metabolizing (potty breaks are union-allowed to last as long as needed regardless of how late your shit is). It is not understood why UPS trucks all appear to be First World War troop carriers, however the low quality suspension does aid in increasing the likelyhood that fragile items will arrive broken.

That One Creepy Delivery Guy

At UPS, there is always at least one "creepy" delivery guy assigned to each hub. He usually drives his truck with the back door open, mumbles unintelligibly, has a Kleenex stuck up his nose, has crazy-eyes, and whines about any package that weighs over six pounds. He is also trained to never reveal his name, signing all end-of-day statements with a scribble. The scribble is then smudged with his hand. He also throws boxes into the back of his truck with the utmost uncare.

What does UPS really mean?

People say UPS means "United Parcel Service" but, Uncyclopedia has its own ideas.

  • United Package Smashers
  • United Pimp Service
  • Uncles Provide Service
  • Unusual People Suck
  • Untrustworthy Parcel Service
  • Unattractive People Service

Front organizations

UPS has been alleged to hide behind variously-named front organisations with names varying from Mail Boxes Etc. to simply The UPS Store.

All of these appear to be a scam by which one UPS representative shows up with a box in some arbitrary condition and another UPS representative sits waiting behind a counter next to a bank of mailboxes and photocopiers to sign for this box. The actual content of the package is irrelevant; in all cases you must pay each of the two UPS people, effectively doubling profit for UPS Inc.
A typical UPS truck

Footnotes

  1. a popular urban legend says "UPS" is pronounced "Oops!" due to their high rates of damaged parcels, but this is a filthy lie spread by none other than Satan.

See Also

External link


This article uses material from the "United Parcel Service" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

Cybernations

Up to date as of January 31, 2010
(Redirected to UPS v2.0 article)

From the Cyber Nations Wiki, the wiki dedicated to the Cyber Nations Game.

UPS v2.0
Signatories
Former Signatories

Global Alliance and Treaty Organization

Alliance of International Defence

League of Extraordinary Nations

OTF Alliance

Alliance of Neutral Armadas

Elitist Global Superstructure

New Order of Independence

Mighty Armed States of Honor

Browncoats

1 Touch Football

Contents

History:

The original UPS treaty was collectively agreed upon by GATO, NTO, and -AiD-. Due to unfortunate circumstances, it proved to be short lived. UPS v2.0 was written based on the original UPS treaty, by Medic of the Northern Treaty Organization.

Following the leave of every signatory excluding GATO, UPS was officially disbanded on July 21st, 2008, following GATO's surrender to the New Pacific Order in the aftermath of the GATO - One Vision War.

Preamble:

In the spirit of acquaintanceship, this accession, based on our devoir to the team color composed of red, orange, and green, is hereby confounded & re-declared by the following Alliances:

  • Northern Treaty Organization (NTO), reformed as the Elitist Global Superstructure (EGS)
  • Global Alliance and Treaty Organization (GATO)
  • New Order of Independence (NOI)
  • Mighty Armed States of Honor (M*A*S*H)
  • 1 Touch Football (1TF)
  • Browncoats (BC)


Signed on the 19th of December 2007, having been ratified by the government of each alliance. Re-signed with the unanimous acceptance of Browncoats 30th of March 2008

Definitions of Signatory Status and Type

1: The term “signatory” and “under-signatory” are hereby noted to proclaim the type of an alliance’s compliance with the treaty.

2 Articles contain a header denoting to whom the article applies to.

2.1 Within each article, the term “signatory” or “signatories” applies to whomever the header of the article denotes, be it signatory or under-signatory, unless otherwise noted.

Article 1: Signatories and Under-signatories agree:

1.1 The signatory alliances and their members, will display a general respect for each and every member of the other signatory alliances, in public and in private, as a gesture of goodwill and perpetual friendship.

1.2 If any members of the signatory alliances are in need of aid, the other alliances will, to the best of their ability, provide such aid. Aid can include though is not limited to, the transfer of funds, soldiers, technology or diplomatic assistance.

1.3 Such aid must be within the limits of reality, and not without reason. An acceptable reason must be stated, or else aid will not be forth coming. Any aid requests made under false pretenses shall be viewed as a breach of this treaty.

1.4 Aid can be sent between the signatory alliances, even if one signatory alliance is at war with a party with which another signatory alliance has a standing non-aggression pact. This agreement shall supersede, in relation to aid only, all standard non-aggression pacts by the signatory alliances.

Article 2: Signatories and Under-signatories agree:

2.1 The signatory alliances shall refrain from any overt or covert offensive action against another signatory member, including any action taken with the intention of provoking war by proxy.

2.2 The signatory alliances shall refrain from giving support or comfort, military, financial, or otherwise, to any enemies of any other signatory. Treaties other than standard NAP's shall not be signed with any enemy of any other signatory; this shall not apply to any existing treaties signed prior to this pact.

2.3 The signatory alliances shall refrain from using team sanctions against the members of other signatory alliances without the consent of the government of the alliance of the targeted nation.

2.4 The signatory alliances agree, in the event a member nation of any signatory alliance is attacked by a member of another signatory alliance, the nation attacking shall be subject to the following: 2.4a. The nation attacking shall immediately offer peace to the nation being attacked. 2.4b. The nation attacking will be responsible for all reparations to be paid for damages accrued. 2.4c. The nation attacking will be subject to criminal sentencing by their alliance government.

Article 3 Signatories and Under-signatories agree:

3.0 Signatories and under-signatories agree that as representatives of the majority of brown team alliances, UPS holds sovereignty over the brown team senate.

3.1 The signatory alliances agree that the brown team senate seats, shall not be fixed to any one alliance, and shall be open for any signatory alliance with the numbers to gain a seat, unless otherwise agreed upon by all signatories. Signatory alliances may choose to combine their votes towards a single shared candidate if they wish.

3.2 Each signatory alliance is free to vote for as many members from their alliance for the team senate as decided by each alliance government. Members of signatory alliances shall not vote for any nation who is not a member of another signatory alliance.

3.3 The signatory alliances agree, in the event one or more of their members currently holds a team senate seat, to comply with all reasonable requests from other signatory alliances regarding team sanctions, within the bounds of article 2, clause 3.

Article 4 Signatories and Under-signatories agree:

4.1 The signatory alliances agree to share all information of worth to the other party. It is agreed that this information shall not be falsified, or changed in any way that benefits any party, signed or not. Such falsifications shall be regarded as a breach of treaty.

4.2 The signatory alliances agree that any intelligence or information relating to a potential threat to any member of a signatory alliance shall be communicated to the relevant alliance as a matter of utmost urgency.

4.3 Information of a sensitive nature shall be communicated via chat-based methods. All other information shared under this article shall be posted on the team forum in the area reserved for leaders of each signatory alliance.

4.4 The signatory alliances agree to inform each other of any offensive war involving more than 10 nations if there is any possibility of diplomatic complications. Any defensive war involving more than 10 nations shall be communicated as soon as possible, under the terms of this article.

Article 5a: Signatories and Under-signatories agree:

5.1a The signatory alliances agree to respect the sovereignty of all other signatory alliances, and of all alliances inhabiting the brown team. They shall refrain from encouraging or demanding the relocation or disbandment of any brown team alliance, unless agreed to by a unanimous vote of the signatory alliances governing bodies.

5.2a In the case that any alliance attempts to violate the sovereignty of a signatory to this pact, by demanding its relocation or disbandment from the brown team, or through military action against a signatory alliance with the intention of the total destruction of the alliance and its members, the signatories of this act are not required, but advised to provide military, economic, and/or diplomatic support in aid of the targeted alliance.

Article 5b: Signatories (only) agree:

5b: Signatory alliances agree to communicate intent of an offensive war involving any alliance with 10 or greater members, and must have the permission of fellow signatories to commit said offensive war. Advance notice must be given 3 days before any offensive military action, unless the military action is in defense of another non-signatory MDP partner.

5.0.1b Signatories shall not engage in offensive military action against any alliance which a fellow signatory is obligated by treaty to defend.

5.0.2b Any pre-emptive conflict in which there is beforehand knowledge of attempted aggressive actions by a non-signatory alliance towards a signatory alliance shall be labeled a defensive war.

5.1b Signatory alliances are required to provide military aid to other signatories in cases of defensive conflict immediately, if requested by the targeted alliance. However, if the attacked alliance(s) are under assault due to covert activities or have proven to have caused the war with no attempts to remedy the situation, it shall be deemed an aggressive action.

5.1.1b The defense pact does not carry over multiple chains. IE: If a signatory attacks another alliance in defense of a non-signatory alliance, signatories are not required to, but are strongly encouraged to assist the signatory alliance should another alliance attack them due to their original attack.

5.2b Signatory alliances may offer military assistance to any fellow signatory in the event of an offensive war. Notice of all of offensive military actions shall be given no less than 2 days (48 hours) in advance of action.

5.3b In cases where multiple signatories are involved in war with the same external party, no signatory shall come to an agreement with the external party without advanced notice and the agreement of the warring signatories to this pact, including but not limited to alliance surrenders and ceasefires. Notice of any intent to surrender or obtain a ceasefire must be given at least 2 days (48 hours) in advance.

Article 6 Signatories agree:

6.1 As representatives of the Brown Team, all members of UPS reserve right to intervene in any situations involving alliances that deemed to be hazardous to brown stability and unity. By no means does this cover individual nations outside of established alliances.

Article 7 Signatories and Under-signatories agree:

7.1 The signatory alliances agree by signing this treaty, they are implied signatories of the Brown Team Trading Pact (BTTP), found here: http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dhqmcnsz_1g6xhkd

7.1.1 Signatories of the BTTP are not retroactive to this treaty and must be signatories of this treaty to receive the benefits of it.

7.1.2 Any terms and articles in the BTTP shall not override terms laid out in this treaty.

Article 8 Signatories and Under-signatories agree:

8.1 This pact shall be binding in full on all signatory alliances, and all members of a signatory alliance, until such time as a signatory withdraws from the pact, or the pact is cancelled in full by mutual decision of the signatories.

8.2 In the event a signatory alliance wishes to withdraw from this pact, they must give four (4) days notice to all other signatory alliances, and provide a full explanation in their embassy on each signatories’ forum as to the reasons for their withdrawal.

8.3 In the event a member nation of any signatory alliance breaches a clause of this pact, the alliance government of the relevant member shall take reasonable action against the nation to ensure compliance with this pact.

8.4 In the event a signatory alliance breaches a major element of this pact, the other signatory alliances may expel the alliance in breach, by a unanimous vote of the remaining signatory alliances. In the event of minor breaches of this pact by a signatory alliance, the other signatories commit to seek full diplomatic resolution of the matter.

8.5 The terms of this treaty may be amended by a two-thirds (2/3) majority vote of signatory alliances, with each alliance getting one vote.

8.6 Other brown team alliances may be invited to join this pact, via a unanimous vote of the founding signatory alliances. Non-brown team alliances, including multi-team alliances with brown team nations, cannot be invited to sign this pact.

8.7 The terms of this treaty supersede any previous MDPs/NAPs/PIATs or other agreements between signatories.

Signatories:

Signed for the EGS:

*Prime Minister - BrotherInArms

  • Minister of the Interior - Grifeon
  • Minister of Defense - Souseiseki
  • Minister of Foreign Affairs - Rorschach
  • Minister of Finances - Hairy Rodent
  • Minister of Recruitment – Spotter5
  • Judge Advocate General – BaconGod

The Elitist Global Superstructure withdrew from UPS v2.0 on April 2nd, 2008

Signed for GATO:

  • Arciel, Assembly Chairman
  • Kevlar, Minister of Foreign Affairs
  • 10th Congress of GATO

Signed for NOI:

*High Chancellor - Arturion

  • High Chancellor - Mahasoor
  • Minister of Foreign Affairs - Bionic Redhead
  • Minister of Intelligence - Kalus
  • Minister of Internal Affairs - PiTViPeR
  • Minister of Finance - Stealth Assasin
  • Minister of Defense - Pyroman

New Order of Independence withdrew from UPS v2.0 on April 24th, 2008

Signed for -AID-:

*Matthew117 - Alliance President

  • Mordd - Senator, Minister of Foreign Affairs
  • Andorra3 - Senator, Minister of Defence
  • JayBagz - Senator, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs
  • Kirstenmichelle - Senator, Recruitment Minister
  • Tripnosis - Senator

The Alliance of International Defence withdrew from UPS v2.0 on January 18th, 2008

Signed for M*A*S*H:

*Commanding Officer - Col.FitsWilliam

  • Executive Officer - Tweak1029
  • Senior Drill Instructor - BoomerisGod
  • Foreign Affairs Officer - Lady Ariana
  • Elder Council - Flonker

M*A*S*H withdrew from UPS v2.0 on April 25th, 2008

Signed for Browncoats:

*Prime Minister - ChairmanHal

  • Deputy Prime Minister - HollowEyes
  • Home Minister - Durim
  • Minister of Foreign Affairs - Veneke
  • Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs - The Flyting Scotsman
  • Minister of Defense - Mechanus

Browncoats withdrew from UPS v2.0 on April 25th, 2008

Under-signatories:

Signed for ANA:

*Luxornv - Minister of Internal Affairs

  • Pyromitsu - Minister of Finance
  • Guardian - Minister of Foreign Affairs
  • Mdawgmike - Minister of Census

The Alliance of Neutral Armadas withdrew from UPS v2.0 on March 15th, 2008

Signed for the OTF Alliance:

*President - Synth_FG

  • Prime Minister – CilldaraOTF

The OTF Alliance withdrew from UPS v2.0 on February 17th, 2008

Signed for LEN:

*Daemon - Consul

  • Coloradia - Consul
  • SoX - Tribune of Foreign Affairs
  • Illuminatus - Tribune of Foreign Affairs

The League of Extraordinary Nations withdrew from UPS v2.0 on February 17th, 2008

Signed for 1TF:

*Mayzie - Managing Director

  • Nickyh - Marketing Director
  • DonGorem - Team Manager
  • Mikiz - Club Captain

1 Touch Football withdrew from UPS v2.0 on May 7th, 2008

Alliance Blocs/Groups
Active MADP/MDP Assistance, Zeal, Trade, Economic & Combat Treaty | Bastion | Below | Blood For Friends | Checkmate. | Chestnut Accords | Common Defense Treaty | Complaints and Grievances Union | Duckroll | League of Extraordinary Oranges | Overlord's Protectorate Pact | Peace and Love Train Accords | Pegasus | Poseidon | Teen Titans | The Citadel | The Stickmen | Terra-Cotta Pact | The Nexus Agreement | The Powerpuff Girls | The SuperFriends | Valor Accords
Only two member alliances remaining: Deus Ex Machina | Power Rangers | The Balkan Entente | Fantastic Four
Defunct MADP/MDP Independence Council | Northern Defense Front | League Of Extraordinary Alliances | The Imperium | The Internationale | Grand Union of Intelligent Little Democracies | The Sphere | Communist International | United Green | Green Solidarity | The Offspring | Drinking Buddies | The Initiative | Grand Union of Alliances for Rapport and Defense | The Unjust Path | Brotherhood of Neverending Greatness | Security Headquarters of the Independant Empirical League of Defence | Ferocitas Compact | The Hegemony | UPS v2.0 | The Cartel Compact | Hanseatic League | The Brotherhood | Mission for Alliance Co-Operation | The Triptych | Dark Confederate | Knights of Christ | Kingdom of Heaven | Blue Leadership Ensuring Unity | Aquatic Ascendancy Treaty | Order of the New Dawn | Coalition of Micro-Alliances | Warsaw Pact | The Trident | The Continuum | The Ring Cycle | One Vision | Black Peace Initiative | Inner Circle | Watling Street Compact | Purqua | Threesome | Pink Warrior Network | Pocahontas Accords | Frostbite
War Coalitions Coalition of Justice | CoaLUEtion | Maroon Allied Forces | Communist Allied Forces | Aegis | ~ | Unjust Highway | No Vision | Coalition | Friends > Infra | Warsaw Micro Coalition | The Hegemony | Karma | SuperComplaints/SuperGrievances | Coincidence Coalition
Other Active
Other Defunct Green Sanctions Treaty | Free Green Treaty | The Rational Institution of Defensive Entities for a New Tomorrow | High Guardian Concord | New Church of Maroon | UPS v2.0 | Treaty of Amity and Diplomacy | Yellow Unity | The Sun Also Rises | Global Reunification Act of Purple Endurance | Brown Unity in Trading Treaty | United White | Yellow Sphereority | Coalition of Rose Alliance Leadership | Agora Accords | EPIC Protectorate Bloc | Solidarity of Nations On White | Amber Accords | Solidarity
See Also List of blocs | Bloc stats (outdated) | Neutral Alliances
Notes: The definition of "bloc" or "alliance group" refers to a treaty involving three or more alliances. Active blocs in italics are those which had three or more members at one point but now have only two. Active blocs are ordered alphabetically while defunct blocs are placed in the order they became defunct; War coalitions are ordered according to the timeline of the wars in which they fought.
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Robertography Portal Main Page Nations | Teams | Alliances | Alliance Groups

This article uses material from the "UPS v2.0" article on the Cybernations wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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