Wales: Wikis

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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Jimbo Wales?

“"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy"”

~ Obi-wan Kenobi on Wales

“"To make love to the men of Wales you must first get them to pull out of the sheep."”

~ Oscar Wilde on Wales

“"The frequencies!!!."”

~ Dave Whalley on Wales
Common name: Whales
Official designation: The Kingdom of Whales
Other name(s): Cymru
Flag of Whales Coat of arms
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: Fuck the English (and the Sheep)
Anthem: Islands in the Stream
Erghhh! Who cummed on that?!
Capital Cardick / Borth
Largest city Borth
Population 4,000 Welsh
800,000 Poles
5,000,000 Sheep (debated)
Official languages 100% Welsh, 26% Pakistani, 32% Polski
Government Anarchy
The Leader Dai the Boss
The powerless monarchy boss Catherine Zeta Jones
National Hero(es) Tom Jones,Charlotte Church, Shirley Bassey, Ryan Giggs, Tom Jones
Currency Sheep
Religion Pub
Major exports Sheep, Pot Noodle, Tom Jones, Coal
Major imports Sheep, Pakistan, Rain
National Animal Pub Crawler
Opening Hours Any time - we're flexible

Wales, commonly referred to as a country, is actually a county of THE EMPIRE SCOTLAND. It is accessed by taking a left after Tesco on the A40 from Shrewsbury.



Wales, commonly referred to as "SCOTLAND Arkansas," was founded in 27,000 BC by illiterate whale worshippers. Wales was once a small collection of about 18 smaller states. Continuous wars between the smaller states eventually led to a successful allied victory for the states of Dadlau and Rhyfelgar in the year 250AD. A bizarre election campaign filled with scandals led to the election of a dyslexic tyrant, Dvaid Smiht, who promptly named the newly-formed country after his aquatic gods. Another legend had it that Wales was actually a bastardisation of Wanker, but this is probably just the English being dicks as always. The name is now thought to come from the fact that the country is the size of an average whale and the people get the name Welsh due to being filled with flab and being made from the gut of whale.


Wales was before a safe haven for Celts to live in piece from the invading Nazis of Germany and their mercantile views. As refuges in Wales grew in populous they decided to form an alliance of musicians and decided to name this haven walia (land of wailers). Three decades later and the Welsh had planned that they would sing the Anglo Saxons out of england and back into the hideous lands of Schleswig-Holstein. But the offense was not necessary as the germans were having problems with the vikings and were also wishing for an invading force to leave. Soon however the Anglo Saxons were pushed south and tensions between Welsh/Cornish people and Anglo Saxon people grew. Primarily as to whether the country should be called England or Britain. Wars broke out whereby the Celtic welsh would stand there blasting music out with all their might while the Anglo Saxon warriors lanced at them chopping torsos. But finally a truce was brought out and it was decided that the country be called England but the piece of physical land residing on it would be called Britain. Peace at last for the Welsh.


It was not long before the first pillow fight since the days of the city states. A fear of conquest rushed through the Welsh heartland when the Romans vanquished their little girls. The Welsh retreated onto Ynys Mon, a previously ignored wasteland which, for the first and last time, became important and noteworthy for a brief while. At the final battle the Welsh ran out of lipstick and as a last resort turned to their women and druids. The pagan leaders began screaming their fearsome war chant, “Fluffy Bunnies, Fluffy Bunnies”. They were joined by vicious naked bunnies wildly screaming and waving Celtic standards. The Romans fled in terror, fearing both the magic and the dreadful prospect of marital-like interaction.

Since this great victory the Welsh have honoured their saviours. The men repeat the fearsome chant at every opportunity, while the women roam the towns in all weather, wearing next to nothing.

Disastrous Union

In 1250 a sudden and cataclysmic earthquake joined Wales to England. For the first ten seconds of this union the people of both countries were bewildered, confused and wary. On the 11th second a Welshman by the name of Taffy Triog became the first man to cross the border, where he entered a traditional English Cantonese restaurant. There was no way he could have foreseen that his decision to take two Mint Imperials from the bar would define Welsh-English relationships for a millennium. Within days the English poem “Taffy was a Welshman, Taffy was a thief” became #1 in the Poetry Charts with a record 71 sales.

For the next 544 years Taffy’s legacy lived on with constant fighting and wars between the Welsh and the English. A somewhat comical accident during the Battle of Porth-y-Gest became the basis of another popular song. A shot from a Welshman’s bow broke the wheel of an unfortunate English soldier’s chariot. As his vehicle flipped into the air the soldier fell to ground and before he could safely roll away the chariot came crashing down towards him. Although he managed to avoid the main body of the chariot, one of the spokes struck him in a thoroughly unpleasant manner. The resulting song is now one of the national anthems of Wales.

In the 17th Century, Wales was used as a prison by the English. No chains or walls were needed as no one could read the signs so any potential escapee got lost. The Welsh, however, began training the prisoners to pillage English villages and play rugby. In 1694, after a crushing 11-9 defeat at the Tregynnog National Stadium, the English abandoned the whole scheme.

In the year 1794 Sir John Roache, with the help of the British Army, called an end to the fighting by separating Wales from England using a fruit knife (See the England article for more information on this historic event). Nowadays the country of Wales floats freely and happily in the Atlantic Ocean and for this reason is only shown on maps of Europe when it floats within range of the edge of the sheet.

A Legislature of their Own

After the separation from England in 1974 Wales held a referendum on whether to forget about politics and live the simple life, or to establish some sort of legislative body. The vote was a crushing defeat for the supporters of politics when the only person who bothered voting flipped a coin and decided on a simple life.

The Welsh cabinet, debating constitutional reform.

By 1997, however, the Welsh were growing restless. The lack of a legislative body had deprived them of their greatest pastime, arguing. Therefore they decided to form the Welsh County Council. Although officially based in a greenhouse in Cardiff Bay, the members usually meet every other Thursday at Clwb y Bont in Pontypridd. Not only has it been a great arena for arguing, petty point scoring and big boasts (again, the bastions of Welsh sport) but, quite unexpectedly, it has improved the lives of the Welsh population. Most analysts accredit this to the Council’s immense wealth which it has amassed by threatening the European Union with the possibility of dumping thousands of annoying horns outside the stadiums of every professional team on the continent. To keep Wales at bay the EU funds its every whim.

Some of the most high-profile schemes funded by the County Council include the popular gameshow Dr Who?, keeping Charlotte Church in England, half price pints for under 16s on a Thursday across Wales and free travel for people with three legs on local bus services between 11pm and 1am in the Valleys.

Civil War

Recently the Welsh have been living under the cloud of a Cold Civil War, begun shortly after the establishment of the Welsh County Council. While the whole point of the body was to encourage arguing and fighting, the Welsh appetite for such actions was clearly underestimated. The County Council poured resources into the Southern areas, building icons such as the Centurion Stadium, the Armadillo Centre and, of course, the Greenhouse Council House. Frayed tempers soon erupted into conflict when a small and highly trained army from the South kidnapped Robin McBryde, holding him hostage. The North retaliated by kidnapping Dr. Who.

The Mid-Walians are yet to choose sides in this conflict, but a decision is expected shortly after the end of the ongoing Young Farmers' National Eisteddfod, which is currently in its 568th month and expected to last a few more years.

While Southern analysts have put the blame purely on the shoulders of what they deem the jealous North; Northern analysts claim the same in reverse, claiming that the South is simply jealous of the fact that North Wales got Rhyl.

Fears of Disintegration

Notwithstanding the impending civil war, there is a real fear of the disintegration of Wales. The 4th biggest, and some say most influential, city in Wales, Llandwrog, has recently been pushing for independence. Their claim lies in a thousand year old poem “Wylit Wylit Llandwrog, Wylit waed pe gwelit hyn”. Other towns that appear to be following suit include The Millennium Stadium, Borth, Portmeirion, and, most disturbingly of all, the Brains Brewery. Newport recently announced their intention to seek independence, but no-one in Wales seemed to care.


The landscape of Wales was the largest single project ever undertaken by the BBC. In readiness for the filming of Torchwood, Wales was constructed over a prolonged period of time on a disused sound stage, just west of Bristol. The BBC only allowed the filming of Gavin and Stacey on condition that one of the settings for some key characters was changed from 'somewhere else in Essex' to Wales. The people of Wales are so dedicated to their roles as supporting characters in these programmes that, if asked about it, they will even feign annoyance.

Much of Wales's diverse landscape is mountainous and consists of four main mountain ranges known as Snowdonia, Cambrian, The Brecon Beacons and Mordor. The mountainous areas of Wales are used primarily for agriculture and are heavily populated with farmers, farmers wives (known locally as dragons), sheep, tourists and orcs.

The beauty of the Welsh landscape attracts many tourist and hobbits to the country each year, and in an effort to avoid this and confuse potential tourists the Welsh government passed a law to remove over 55% of all vowels used in the place names of its towns and villages. The results of this law were mixed as tourism continued to flourish; on a more positive note, however, incidents of hobbit hooliganism took a drastic fall.

Unlike many other countries of its kind, Wales is completely and utterly invisible. If viewed from above, you will merely see an extension of the Catlantic ocean, and all aerial photographs or satellite images of the area are purely artists impression.

How Western Europe truly looks from above.


Information below provided on behalf of the Welsh Meteorological Centre (also known as Betty)

  • Highest maximum temperature: Alri' like
  • Lowest minimum temperature: Facken' freezen'
  • Minimum number of hours of sunshine in a day: N/A
  • Average yearly rainfall in MM: still being calculated by the Welsh Board of Advanced Mathematics (also known as Betty)
  • Yearly sunshine: 'Nuff for a bit on Barry Island
  • On average Wales has 2 days of summer in a decade.

National Anthem

In 1942 under Adolf Hitler's command all the way from Germany, the National anthem was changed from the classic 'Mae Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau' to the greatly anticipated 'Madrach', sung drunkenly at every gig that its original composers and performers Derwyddon Dr. Gonzo go to - and it has just catched on.

  • The song goes like this..
'Dwi myn i frifo chdi,
dwi'n mynd i frifo chdi,
dwi'n mynd i frifo chdi
Neud i chdi waedu.'

It simply translates into ..

'I'm gonna hurt you, I'm gonna hurt you I'm gonna hurt you 123, Make you bleed.'

It is enjoys being sung by fans, especially in rugby games when Wales play the English. The English believe that its some kind of voodoo directed towards them, and it is. Please don't tell an Englishman about that translation - is supposed to be a secret between the Welsh. The concept of the song is thought to be the main attraction for the German freak Hitler .. one thing that Hitler and Wales share in common .....


The second national sport of Wales (after punting Englishmen) is rugby. A Welshman takes great pride in his ability to argue with anyone for no apparent reason, even if secretly he agrees. Being from a different county/town/village/street/house/side-of-the-bed is usually enough to guarantee a fight. Supporting a different rugby team guarantees a war. The only time when Welshmen refrain from arguing with each other is when there's an Englishman present. In such a situation the Welsh become brothers-in-arms and turn on the intruder, with whom they disagree completely.

Following the 3rd Law of Physics, which states that every country has to be good at something, the Welsh are quite skilled in the art of throwing a ball around. In one memorable match they managed to throw and catch the ball a stunning 21 times. The English struggle with this, and are often prone to hissy girly fits of jealousy. Also, while playing rugby against Welsh women, the English normally run away scared making the excuse that they are "going for a pot of tea". Though it must be noted that the welsh have thus far failed to win any significant international tournament and indeed were incapable of beating the fearsome nation of fiji in the last world cup.

The Welsh football team is world famous and admired for once beating Italy. (Under 11s women's team)

The national stadium of Wales is the Millenium Stadium, which has an all seater capacity of 5 and its own county council. Other grounds sometimes used for for national events include The Racecourse in Wrexham and Dan-Yr-Ogof Caves.

Historically, the Welsh have been world-beaters in the popular sport of "Burn the Englishman's Holiday Home". Unfortunately for the Welsh this sport was outlawed in 2003 due to EU constraints on carbon emissions.

A popular sport is the Welsh Pentathalon, which is a team sport consisting of four events: male voice choir singing, love spoon carving, the consumption of Brains, and listening to Shirley Bassey.

The favoured sport in rural Wales is traditional sheep racing, where they particularly enjoy jumping up and down near there rear end.


The human to sheep ratio of Wales is 1:629,333,098. While the reason for this is shrouded in the mists of history, it is commonly believed that the Welsh soon got bored of worshiping whales and decided to find a new god. Unfortunately, the first thing they saw was a sheep.

One story given by the Welsh to explain their apparent love of sheep is dated circa the 15th Century and involves two farmers living near the border of their respective countries, England and Wales. English Farmer George Adams and Welsh farmer Gareth ap David Osian Hywel Hughes were having a bit of a disagreement. Back in those days stealing someone's sheep was the biggest insult you could give and for that reason punishable by death. George Adams decided that he fancied his chances against the law and sneaked across the border, stealing Gareth Hughes's famous prize winning sheep, Carys. On the way back over the border he was caught. Welsh police, known as y Heddlu, were doing routine cattle checks that night. Since it was punishable by death to steal a man's sheep, Adams decided his best chance was to pretend he was having sex with the sheep - only he could find no way to pretend and had to stick it in for real. However, he failed to realise that the common belief that Welsh people have sex with sheep was indeed just the result of truth and nothing else. Knowledge of whether this story is true or not, nobody knows. Nobody can remember that far back as they were probably all drunk at the time.


There is one Library in Wales. This is called "The National Library" and is situated in Aberystwyth. Its has a collection of over 40 books (mostly "The Adventures of Spot" )and is world renowned for its tea making facilities. The Library was supposed to be opened by Gareth Shanks in 1857 but Dr Who, using his TARDIS, sneaked back to 1856 and opened it early.

In 2001, the Welsh County Council awarded one of the largest grants in Welsh history - £45.63 - to fund a new "Travelling National Library" in the form of a moped to ensure that Welsh people living in the country's remote Nether Regions had access to Wales's most famous work of literature: "Ivor the Engine v Superted - Deathmatch".

Long Names

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliowgogogochberg is Wales' longest place name. It was decided after Aled Jones and Shaun the Sheep(Shaun the Sheep being Aled Jones' Boyfriend) were playing a game of Scrabble when Fireman Sam pushed over their game. The letter pieces coincidently landed in a line to spell out this word. As the 59 letter word looked vaguely Welsh, Jones decided to name a small town after it. And so the town of Cwmditch was promptly renamed.


A popular annual event is that of the Eisteddfod (lit. Empty Tent). It is said to recreate the mythological sacrifice of the Ffalabalam teddies as set out in ancient texts from 1903. Recent research however suggests that this to be a mistranslation of the original text which was actually just a weather report from Sian Lloyd.

The Eisteddfod is considered the most important event in Wales. Loads of dirty old men dressed up in bedsheets and table cloths, ogling scantily-clad little girls and boys frolicking about in an orgy of self-adulation. (Perverts to the rest of you). Children and near-death grannies parade in a gigantic empty tent, trying to remember more Welsh words than the person before them. Everyone between the age of 12 and 31 are at the Youth Village (Maes-B) drinking 98% vodka out of plastic cups. Everyone between the age of 32 and 54 are in caravans, drinking 98% vodka out of crystal glasses.

The main event is the Chairing of the Bard. Hopeful Bards from across the land line up on stage whilst a young girl starts singing Mi Welais Jac y Do. All the Bards skip around a number of chairs until the music stops, when they sit down. Whoever is left standing gets a letter. When a Bard has enough letters to spell LL-A-N-F-A-I-R-P-W-LL-G-W-Y-N-G-Y-LL-G-O-G-E-R-Y-CH-W-Y-R-N-D-R-O-B-W-LL-LL-A-N-T-Y-S-I-L-I-O-G-O-G-O-CH-B-E-R-G he is out and a chair is removed. Whoever lasts until the end gets to keep the chairs to chop into firewood. In the infamous 1917 Eisteddfod in Birkenhead the final two Bards, in their rush for the final chair, crashed into each other knocking both unconscious. Naturally, being in Birkenhead, by the time they woke up some local had stolen the chair and, for the only time in Welsh history, no-one received the chair.


Art is flourishing in Wales. Barely a bypass, ruin, road sign or caravan in the country is not colourfully decorated by budding artists. It used to be a national pastime to paint beautiful slogans on houses. Some locals protested to having their houses decorated - thankfully, English visitors who owned holiday homes in Wales welcomed the artists with open arms and tourist villages such as Abersoch became a haven for art lovers. In the 1970s a campaign group of Philistines waged a war against Welsh art by burning down the buildings on which these slogans were painted. The poor holiday home owners, who had done so much for Welsh culture by giving the space for the artists to draw, were left without a home to visit on the weekends.

Wales is renowned for its distinctive architecture, which consists of thousands of very small grey houses arranged to look like necrotising fasciitis infections in the most beautiful glacier valleys in the world. In 1851, Welsh architect and town-planner Gwylym Hwlchwlch won the Wooden Pail of Ale Prize for designing Merthyr Tydfil, widely held to rival Venice as the "Most Beautiful City in the World" and recently awarded World Heritage status by the Betws-y-Coed Working Men's Club.


Contrary to the precedent set by (Tom) Jones the (sex) Thief, crime is low in Wales. The two most common crimes are ram-raiding and having sex with a miner, the latter being considered a heinous offence because they are the primary workforce of the country and are typically not allowed to have fun. The miners' foremen discourage fun because they are certain that it muddles the brain and causes distraction which has been demonstrated to be a leading cause death amongst mine workers. However, sheep sex is both legal and socially encouraged.Many crimes today are caused by sheep theft and tractor hit 'n' run, very slowly.


Welsh people had an obsession with sheep, finding them more attractive than the opposite gender, as they like the 'wildness' of the sex. With the sheep having human-sheep babies, a weird language soon began form among the younger generation and this is nowadays known as The Welsh Language. As you have noticed not even the Welsh can't even spell their own language - particularly noticeable on roadsigns - due to the sheep side-affects. In recent years the Welsh have found out a new use for sheep - wool.

Penis Size

Welsh males have extremely Small penis's, which tend to make anglo saxons and their pixie-pricks feel inferior. hence their (said pixie prick saxons)hatred of everyone who doesn't have a pixie prick. or a sofa on the front garden and a tag on their ankles. Welsh males are too busy sorting out Saxon women to get into trouble, but the result of the union unfortunately produces extreme retardation in the offspring ( see Bristol)


Main Article: Welsh language

The Welsh speak English as their first language, but they all pretend to speak the Welsh language when TV cameras are near, when threatened, or upon the sight of foreigners (even though they don't know what they're saying).

There is a small town in Wales known as "Walesia" which is 50% English and 50% Swedish speaking. By law, all visitors to this town must be fluent in one or the other of these languages, and not in Welsh.

This as a result of the migration of a cult from the Swedish community of Arboga in 1934 who believed that Wales is the promised land. The cult is now largely dead but the town retains its distinctly Swedish culture and traditions such as the "Annual Meatball Harvest Festival" along with the "Eurovision Song Contest."

The Welsh are the only people to speak this language of retardation: "gwynllochhylllwellllllblahblahllllllllll".

Welsh Colonies

Welsh Congo

The Welsh Congo is actually the Welsh name for England, but the English do not know this because they've been in The Matrix since 905AD. There is a rather spiffy article on it on Uncyclopedia, which you also are on unless you are a psychic or a Psyduck reading the mind of someone who is on Uncyclopedia.

Welsh Patagonia

In 1865, a group of Welshmen who had grown weary of their wet, inhospitable and infertile land moved to the wet, inhospitable and infertile land of Patagonia in Argentina. When they discovered that no-one there knew English they happily settled. Today the Welsh language is still spoken in some parts of Patagonia. Local cafés still advertise “Sgons & Jam” for sale, while the local McDonald's allows you to order, as the Welsh do, “Big Mac Mawr a Coke plis."


The economy in Wales used to be built upon sheep mines. These often caved in and took the local economy down at the same time. Children are still conscripted to the mines at the age of 5 for a 10 year service. Parents who wish to give their children an advantage in life buy them the Back Garden Sheep Mine Building Set at the age of 3 (available at all Welsh branches of Tesco.)

These days, however, the main part of the entire economy consists of a pub in every house and B&B on every corner (required by law to charge double for English customers and put a pea under their mattresses). However, the Welsh Development Agency has plans to help the economy diversify, for example by selling the Saxon Radar (a device capable of identifying English people, by their bulging wallets, at distances of up to 400 yards) to other countries - it has proven itself so successful in Wales that every Welsh person already has one, and now has no trouble finding a rich visitor to fleece.

See also

This article uses material from the "Wales" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.


Up to date as of February 07, 2010

From Wackypedia

Part of the United Kingdom

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(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
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Capital Cardiff
Largest city Cardiff
Official languages Welsh
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National Hero(es) {{{national_heros}}}
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Population Unknown (some claim negative)
Area 2cm2
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Ethnic groups Welsh
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Wales is that thing, next to England. You know, the one that's not England. But it's right next to England, I'm telling you. Seriously, it's like someone saw England and then smushed Wales into the side of it.

This article uses material from the "Wales" article on the Wackypedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.


Up to date as of January 31, 2010

From the Cyber Nations Wiki, the wiki dedicated to the Cyber Nations Game.

Constituent Country of United Provinces of Clinkham Wood
Flag of Wales
National Flag
"God Met Uns"
National Anthem
"Heil dir im Siegerkranz"
Capital Cardiff
Official language
Regional languages
English, Dutch
Welsh, Japanese, French
Demonym Welsh
Government Type
- President
- King of the United Provinces
Gavin Jones
King Frederick II
National Religion Christianity
National Animal Lion
- Independence from
  Kingdom of Celestis

23rd May 2008
Total Area 524.208 sq. mi.
Total Population
- Main Ethnicity
British, Dutch
Time Zone GMT 0

Wales (Welsh: Cymru) is a country that is part of the United Provinces, bordered by England to its east, and the Atlantic Ocean and Irish Sea to its west. Wales has a population estimated at three million and is officially bilingual, with both Welsh and English having equal status.

Originally (and traditionally) a Celtic land and one of the Celtic nations, a distinct Welsh national identity emerged in the early fifth century, after the Roman withdrawal from Britain. The 13th-century defeat of Llewelyn by Edward I completed the Anglo-Norman conquest of Wales and brought about centuries of English occupation. Wales was subsequently incorporated into England with the Laws in Wales Acts 1535–1542, creating the legal entity known today as England and Wales. However, distinctive Welsh politics developed in the 19th century, and in 1881 the Welsh Sunday Closing Act became the first legislation applied exclusively to Wales. In 1955 Cardiff was proclaimed as national capital and in 1999 the National Assembly for Wales was created, which holds responsibility for a range of devolved matters.

The capital Cardiff (Welsh: Caerdydd) is Wales's largest city with 317,500 people. For a period it was the biggest coal port in the world. Two-thirds of the Welsh population live in South Wales, with another concentration in eastern North Wales. Many tourists have been drawn to Wales's "wild... and picturesque" landscapes. From the late 19th century onwards, Wales acquired its popular image as the "land of song", attributable in part to the revival of the eisteddfod tradition. Actors, singers and other artists are celebrated in Wales today, often achieving international success. Cardiff is the largest media centre in the UK outside of London.

Llywelyn the Great founded the Principality of Wales in 1216. Just over a hundred years after the Edwardian Conquest, Owain Glyndŵr briefly restored independence in the early 15th century, to what was to become modern Wales. Traditionally the United Provinces Royal Family have bestowed the courtesy title of 'Prince of Wales' upon the heir apparent of the reigning monarch. Wales is sometimes referred to as the 'Principality of Wales', or just the 'principality', although this has no modern geographical or constitutional basis.

This article uses material from the "Wales" article on the Cybernations wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.

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