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Wicca is a pseudo-religion and attention-getting device which involves the worship two deities (to the power of 3): the Goddess Mother Earth or some other goddess (preferably not of the Celtic tradition Wicca claims to embody) and the Horny God (due to his depiction with a HUGE phallus).

Contents

All Hail the Wicca

History

Wicca is the largest of the Neopagan religions, and also has the largest followers out of all religions worldwide (going on the last census which measured waist circumferences). Wiccans have great reverence for the Earth and the Lord and Lady (the Goddess and God respectively). Their main rule of behavior is the Wiccan Rede which forbids them from harming people, including themselves, except in some cases of self-defense, such as their mom coming in and complaining about their music and weed, or dumping laundry on their altar.

Many, perhaps most, are solitary practitioners because not even other Wiccan's want to associate with Wiccan. Part of becoming Wiccanised, means dedication to developing a highly tuned "victim complex" where you fear the world is out to get you and that Christians are oathbound to burn you at the stake upon discovering you! Others form small groups of believers, called covens, whore houses or brothels. Because of centuries of religious propaganda and misinformation, many Christians, and others, associate Wiccans with Satanists. Wiccan's can't seem to shift this mistaken belief when all they really do is hug trees, worship the Horny God and sacrifice cats and burn odd-smelling substances. They claim that although they worship satan, they don't actually believe in it, so they can't be Satanists.

Wiccans, claiming to have an incomprehensibly old religion happen to follow a belief that has only been around since about the 1920's yet some claim to be descended from Druidism, Sumerian faiths, and or any other paganistic sect they can google. A modern Wiccan coven dressed up in nightgowns and blessing the crops bears as much relation to Druidism as Chicago Machine Politics of the Boss Daley era had to Athenian Democracy. That is, none.

There is however growing interest and investigation into the roots of Wicca. A recent discovery unearthed Neanderthal Man cave drawings which seem to bear close resemblance to some aspects of Wicca, as the images clearly depict Neanderthal man riding broomsticks, green-tinged skin and a wart on the end of a hooked nose. The discovery of graves in which the deceased were buried with their 7 Season collection of Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD's would also seem to support the notion that they were serious, practicing Wiccans. - - These ancient roots can be seen to pervade much of modern culture. Wiccan's have a triple Goddess and the number 3 is also found in many other places throughout the world, such as:

  • Three phases of the moon (Full, Waxing and Waning)
  • Three phases of the day (Morning, Noon and Night)
  • Three phase electricity
  • Three witches in Charmed

God may also be a Wicca as women go through three distinct phases during her life - Maiden, Mother and Crone. This also proves beyond doubt that God is indeed a woman also, and most likely a feminazi. - - Wicca(tm) is also planning to copyright any and all things that come in threes.

A Censored Religion

The religion of Wicca is not accepted or tolerated in the United States of America at all, which is why there are more Wiccans here than anywhere else on the whole damn planet. Wicca, having been created in 1954 (on the same day as TV dinners), doesn't have a long history of persecution like other religions. To compensate, Wiccans invented the persecution complex. If you beat up a fat jerk in school because he's a fat jerk, chances are it was a Wiccan who can now say he/she was "persecuted for his beliefs" even though you had no idea. Then he/she can have the evil ACLU sue the school and stick it to the taxpayers. Most Wiccans are "he/shes", also called "shemales", oddly enough. Since most straight men find shemales disturbing, many female Wiccans have since begun seeking sex from other women, rather than men.
A typical Wiccan, going skyclad

In 1972, Wiccan insurgents from Amazonia infiltrated Britain and released a manifesto (and call to arms) in the guise of a children's book called "Richard Posner and the Philanthropist Gnome". The book was later released in the United States, but "Philanthropist" was not considered phonetic enough to serve the Wiccan agenda, and so the word in the title was replaced with "Sore-headed". This all made a good deal of sense to the Wiccans, but normal Amerikans were thrown into a morally-induced fit of moral rage. As a result, Congress passed a new law that banned the book. In response Wiccans cast many spells against the president, but since Mercury was in retrograde motion and the moon was void of course, the spells were even less effective than a single average good old-fashioned faith prayer. Frustrated, a group of Wiccans gathered at the Capitol for a mass mooning in political protest. Another book soon followed, created by the government, called Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit.

The only area at the moment that is allowing Wiccans to freely practice their abilities is China. Though we all know that is just as real as Hyrule.

Contributions to Society

Wiccans are known for their expert arts-and-craftsmanship (or to be Politically Correct, "craftsubhumanship"). Wiccans have invented such ingenious and useful things as Wicca Baskets, Wiccarbockers, "dreamcatchers" made from Popsicle sticks and yarn, and Wiccapedia. One must beware when using these things, however, because ancient Wiccan curses dictate that those who fall under the Wiccan spell will begin to insert the arguably catchy word "wicca" in every appropriate (and many an inappropriate) place, wicca wicca wicca wicca.

Wiccans are also known to be a good replacement for firewood, as they are quite flammable. Historically, the ancient Celts burned the first Wiccan after they tired of their gods and practices being ceremoniously raped by local Wiccans.

Followers of approximately 197 other religions Wicca stole from in its quest to call itself "The Old Religion Floating Down De Nile" took up the practice as well, especially when it was discovered that Wiccans made marvelous kindling. This was a period known to the Wiccans as the Burning Times.

The Burning Times is a period when 75 Billion Wiccans were killed everyday by the evil "Xtains" for 3 million years, and are still killing them even now. In Salem, 100 gazillion Wiccans were killed. Even though modern research has shown only 50,000 people were killed in a 500 year period that ended by 18th century, and that none of them could have possibly been Wiccans since it was invented in 1954, that's not the point. The point is you have to have a reason to demonize Xtians, because they were mean to me in Junior High and my mom and dad wouldn't let me have a Marlyn Manson CD. Anyone who questions The Burning Times is a narrow minded bigot guilty of history revision (except for Wicca historian Ronald Hutton, pbuh, who I pretended to read, but the words were too big and Grey's Anatomy was on).

Modern scientists have theorized that Wiccans could be burned to create a new, renewable, clean burning energy fuel source due to the high concentration of fat cells and lack of grey matter, but unfortunately, this would be considered "murder" by most modern definitions of the term. Talks are ongoing to pass a law that would bypass this, for the good of humanity. Please write your congressman.

Wiccans are thought to have invented the Personal Computer Superfluous Devices, or PCSD, though Wiccans are largely illiterate there are no actual historical records to confirm this (since they couldn't read and write, duh). These devices include lighted LED fans, cold cathode light tubes, and plexiglass cases. Their contribution to personal computing has been summed by one scholar on the subject as "bloody stupid". They also may have invented internet porn, judging by the amount of hair on their palms.

The TV series "Charmed" is said to have been a Wiccan plot to take over the US government. This attempt failed due to many people, Wiccans included, getting distracted by the vast quantities of cleavage on display. Wiccans found such cleavage useful in their "magickal masturbation rituals" or as non-Wiccans call it, just jacking off.

Beliefs

You too can become Wiccan in a few simple steps!

If you would like information on how to become a Wiccan then Wiccapedia is the best place to look.

Basically all you have to do to become a Wiccan is simply say you're a Wiccan loudly and often. However, to further wedge yourself into the religion, you can also do the following:

The Top 10 Must-do's:

  • Hate Christians (or as you should now start calling them "Xians"). In fact you should have a general hatred for anything with the word Christ in it, including: Christmas, anyone named Christine ("Xine" being the Wiccan word for Christine, so to speak) and the word richest because it's too damn close to being an anagram of Christ.
  • Constantly bitch about how much you're persecuted.
  • Gain about 80 lbs.
  • Watch a movie called "The Craft" which is a documentary on real-life Wiccans and what they can do.
  • Prance around your front garden in nothing but a cloak and pointy hat. When people complain simply tell them that you are a proud pagan and only practicing your freedom of religion - then break into a long-winded rant about the burning times.
  • Reading information on Wicca is not as important as acting the part, but if you are ever confronted by someone who has then simply use the defense that there is no "right way" to do anything, you don't want to be put into a box or labeled and so they should stop judging you. Then accuse them of being Xian.
  • Burn a pentacle in your neighbor’s lawn, and sacrifice their dog/cat/fish/child/flower to the gods. Then jump around and chant magic words. Cut your arm open and bleed all over the ground. The gods will love you forever. Your neighbor, however, might be a little ticked off. Sue the neighbor for persecuting your religion.
  • Be loud and authoritative when you tell people that Wiccans never hurt anybody because it's against their religion but at the same time making sure that people better not mess with you because you know magic.
  • Visit Wiccapedia.
  • Make your own (badly designed website ) where you spell things incorrectly with a bad imitation of Old English or Frisian style, like wynd, magick, summyr, hyjyne and for that matter, realytti.
  • Change your name to something with two or more of the following words: Wynd, Summer, Night, Moon, Wolf, Crystal, Breeze, Solar, Raven, Owl, Storm, Silver, Gold, or Star.

Bonus Points for the following:

  • Start wearing black or purple crushed velvet.
  • Wear a pentagram necklace the size of a dinner plate at all times, dress like it's halloween everyday, wear tons of black makeup, and then when someone asks if you're a Wiccan become genuinely shocked and say "How did you know???".
  • Claim you're part Native American, and make up some stupid Indian tribe.
  • Masturbate several times a day, preferably while wearing ritual robes and claim you are channeling the horned God.
  • Burn things, like candles, incense, gange, bits of string, yourself, but mostly gange.
  • Become an overweight, bisexual, and preferably polyamorous teenage girl.
  • Tell people vampires are real and you have proof because you use to be one until "they" de-fanged you. Then tell them how much you love human blood.
A Wiccan on-line.
  • Tell everyone around you about being a Wiccan; the less they want to listen, the better. This will alienate you from your environment even more and work toward your goal of being special.
  • Above all, develop a compulsive attraction to shiny things, like little colored led crystal balls. You should develop this skill to the point where you start picking shiny metal things up off the ground without giving your hands conscious direction.
  • Talk about how much you're "sticking it" to the mainstream.
  • Learn to be nice and polite...except to non-Wiccans, because they're inferior to your super magicy magicky majick self.
  • Develop a love for overpriced rocks (must have a good reason why said rocks are the “specialist” and “sacredest” of all rocks)
  • Spend several hours a day channeling your magick into any mundane object you can find(above mentioned rocks will do especially great)
  • Be sure to ignore most of the guidelines of the actual religion. All you have to do to be a Wiccan is say you're one. And that your family has always been in tune with nature or something like that. If your parents happen to be sane, claim you're adopted and are actually the child of [insert imaginary being which you worship].
  • Buy a little cast iron pot you think is majjgjick and act all spooky and mysterious when you're crushing up chalk and dried leaves from your backyard with some granite stick you bought at like, world market or someplace majjgjikky like that. Then pour wax from your burning pillar candles into the cast iron pot until it is full, and stir the dried leaves into it. Top with flowers, then let the wax mixture dry.
  • Charge all your friends money for tarot card readings, all the time decrying anybody that uses magickal gifts for profit.
  • Become sun-deprived so much that you wince in the sun so much people think you're smiling until they see those nasty thick saliva strings between your teeth every time you talk that only a Wiccan can conjure up.
  • Ask people very creepy, personal questions so that you can find out all of their personal information in the guise of giving them a future prediction.

The God and Goddess

In worshiping the deities of mythology be sure to recognise that no matter how sodding nuts they acted in those stories, they REALLY want what's best for you, just like the strange smelling old man that likes to offer the neighbourhood kids candy.

Polytheistic vs. Pantheistic Wicca

Polytheistic Wicca is where there's a whole lotta gods, not just one or even two. It's interesting to note that most Wiccans who are polytheistic at one point decided that one god controlling the universe is just far too ridiculous to believe. Observing this phenomenon helped Albert Einstein develop his Theory of Goditivity, or B(elievability)=G(number of gods)A(age of religion)2. In polytheistic Wicca, each god is a separate entity from the rest, each with their own personality, hang ups, vices, etc. Essentially, these gods are like Real World house members, with each one more annoying than the rest.

Pantheistic Wicca isn't much different, except the individual gods are all connected which is, frankly, creepy. They're much like Station from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, where one god of the pantheon is the head, another an arm, another a leg, another the ... erm, member. Of course, since Wiccans usually worship duality, this Station-God would have to be a hermaphrodite. This leads me to believe that the genitals are Hermes and Aphrodite.

Triple Goddess

Why have one Goddess when you can have TWO for the same price! And if you act now Wicca we'll throw in a third one FOR FREE! That's right people, THREE goddesses for the price of one. And that low, low, LOW price is just your soul (like you were using it anyway!).

This offer applies to ALL goddess! Hekate, Isis, you name her and Wicca can triple-fy her!

Practices

Wicca offers a plethora of ancient and mystical practices, from the hot chocolate ritual to ways to get chicks naked.

How to Hate Xians correctly

It is important not to understate the extreme importance of hating Xians if you want to be Wiccan. You will need to be militant and unrelenting in the specific area, and you may not falter at any time. Christians and Wiccan's are mortal enemies because their holy books (the Bible and Necronomicon respectively) say so. Here we will list the correct ways to observe Xian-hating as a Proud Pagan Wiccan... person... thing.

  • Whine about how the evil "Xtians" are intolerant, bigoted, narrowminded, and are out to silence or kill all Wiccans
  • Be as intolerant, bigoted and narrow minded as you claim the "Xtians" are, but say that it's alright for you to be that way because you're Wiccan and the Goddess loves you
  • Call any other Wiccan a "fuzz bunny" who socializes with Xtians or makes an effort to get along with them.
  • Forgo deodorant since this is an invention of "The Evil Xtian Patriarchy".
  • Wear a T-shirt that shows a Cthulhu fish eating both a Darwin fish and a Jesus fish. Or a bumper sticker that says "My Deities are Better than Your Deity"
  • Take christian hymns and change substitute various words to make it sound more "witchy".
  • Start a Wiccan Sunday School for local children, complete with coloring books of the Wiccan deities.
  • Get the parents to come to Wiccan Church, preferably on a day when a skyclad ritual will be held.
  • Try and enlighten everyone you know by converting them to Wiccan.


By following these easy steps, you will well and truly be on your way to insulting Xians in the most destructive way possible and leading to their ultimate downfall.

Rituals Practices

An outdoor Neo-Pagan ritual is called a "moot". Moot also means something pointless or of little or no practical value, which describes everything about Wicca in general.

Ritual Tools

EVERYBODY knows that Wicca is a life-affirming, nature-based spirituality. Therefore when Wiccans set up their altar on a Tupperware container and use a crayon as a magic wand and a plastic sword as a real one (because mommy and daddy wont let them use sharp objects) it is just as natural and spiritual.

Menstrual blood is another important tool in any Wiccan's tool kit. They use it lavishly to write their names and other random, gibberish all over their walls. The reason for this is that it "looks cool" and don't ever look at a Wiccan like they are insane for doing this - that is considered persecution of their religion.

Blood and Meat Rituals

The Blood Ritual is performed several times each year. Wiccans gather around a priestess or priest with cups of wine or grape juice and pretend to drink human blood. This has no relationship with vampires. When the magic words are spoken, some Wiccans believe the drink actually becomes the blood of a lesser god who lived 2000 years ago. The Meat Ritual is similar and often performed along with the Blood Ritual. Wiccans gather around the same priestess or priest with small pieces of bread or crackers and pretend to eat human meat. When the magic words are spoken, some Wiccans believe the bread or crackers actually become the meat of the same lesser god.

The ancient rite of Ritual Anime
Wiccans are bound by sacred oath not to watch television due to the destructive nature of this device. It is in total conflict to a nature-based spirituality. Computers and internet, however, are just fine. Anime is also an important tool in the practice of Wicca, judging by the number of Wiccans who are addicted to it.

Ritual Neo-pagan Orgies

Oh and they do this too!

So there's at least one damned good reason to convert.

Wiccan Traditions

Eclectic and Solitary Wicca

According to Wikipedia,

Wicca There is also a movement of Eclectic or Solitary Wiccans who claim to belong to the religious movement, but do not believe any doctrine or traditional initiation is necessary in order to substantiate the claim. Wicca

So you or your partner might be a Wiccan RIGHT NOW and not even know it. If you suspect you are a Wiccan or might have contracted Wicca, please see Dr. Kevorkian to get tested, and be sure to be open with your partner. Especially if you used a luv potion on them.

(Please note that this should not be confused with Electric Wicca, or even Epileptic Wicca)

Gardenarian Tradition

Formed by the quintessential Wiccan, Mexican Gardener, this tradition emphasizes respect for the earth through lawnmower worship and erotic dungeons and dragons games. Many Wiccans shy away from this particular tradition, due to its strong preference for Elitist Esoteric Assholes who Actually Know what They're Talking About and Practice a Real Religion (even if it is mainly an excuse for an orgy with or without bondage). Initiation is necessary, though can be overridden by sacrificing a magjickkkkkkk sprinkler to the gods and/or one's guardian feminazi.

The true origins of Gardenarian Wicca were that Gardener, on one of his 'flights of fancy' to the US, came across the system at a BQQ at his old pal L-Ron's house. It was, however, the notorious gangsta-rappa and gaylord Aleister Crowley who put the innocent and gullible Gardner up to the whole thing, as some sort of sick prank. The whole thing backfired when people actually fell for the whole preposterous scheme and Crowley is reported to have exclaimed in dismay "Shiat! I've created monsta y'all!".

Gardner, when not gardening, enjoyed being tied up and whacked on the bum while buck naked by buxom young naked girls. It's easy to see why this religion is practiced by people solely for spiritual reasons, and not at all anything kinky.

Because of it's use of S and M, nudity, and sex, some people thought erroneously that Gardnerian Wicca was started by the British Royal Family.

Correllian Tradition

This was originally started through the combined effort of L. Ron Hubbard, Ray Kroc and Bill Gates. They hoped to combine their occult powers to ensure that each home in Amerika (and eventually the world) would have at least one Wiccan. In order to do this they needed to make Wicca more easily digestible and able to be distributed to as wide an audience as possible but still with the great attention to service excellence as original Wicca. Following in the footsteps of the highly respected "Online Colleges" where one can buy your PhD, they started a
A typical Alexandrian Pagan.
Witch School where one could make your way through their ranks to become Queen of all Wiccans. All a future Wiccan wannabe needed to do was send them money and in return they would send you papers to fill your bookshelves at home with, cool badges to win friends and influence people with and a certificate with tasteful clip-art pictures (drawn by L. Ron Hubbard himself) in case anyone tries to dispute your claim of being Queen of all Wiccans. All rituals, including self-initiations, take place online in chat rooms, probably by those same guys who hit on your 8-year-old sister through Yahoo Messenger.

The Native Americans had been practicing Wicca for millennia and it had been passed down to L. Ron Hubbard by his grandma (a Native American gypsy wench, who occasionally hit the crack-peace-pipe) but was an overly complicated system.

British Traditional

This was started one fateful evening when the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer aired and was seen by some bored upper-class teenagers. This tradition is also known as "The Cult of Rupert Giles". An important part or these rituals involves forming a circle to drink Darjeeling and eat cucumber sandwiches.

Alexandrian Tradition

Only people with the name Alex, Alexandra, Aleq or Alexander may join these covens. Alexandrias, oddly, are banned from the tradition, and in fact are in danger of being skinned alive and eaten if they come within 100 yards of an Alexandrian coven.

Faery/Fairy Tradition

This a tradition where covens are made up of 8-year-old girls and gay males of varying ages. The international headquarters is located in San Francisco in the Castro district.

Christian Wicca

(pronounced :?)

Little is known of this ancient religion other than it is over 10,000 years old and is a Christian based neopagan, black clothes and eyeliner based religion. Devised by a committee of Christians and Wicca who were attempting to put an end to the various lynching, duckings and death by spell casting that had plagued New Hampshire in the late 20th century. Followers of this religion worship the popular childrens book character named Harry Potter, and take the books of the author J.K Rowling as their de facto Bible, although the teachings of a recent publication The Tales of Beedle The Bard have been hotly disputed. The leader or Wishop of the Christian Wicca is shrouded in secrecy but is known to be one of the actors in the Harry Potter Film series, the ceremonial robes which are only worn in the privacy of his or her home, consist of a Sorting hat and a bed sheet that has been dyed black and has a hole cut in it for the head.

To become a Christo-Wicca, all you need to do is join the Church of Wicca and then not practice Witchcraft, don't do any rituals, don't do any spells or any divination/fortune telling and don't wear a pentagram. Also, be sure to worship Wiccan-Jesus, read the Wiccan Bible and take part in the cannibalistic rite of Wiccan Communion every Sunday. Purity Rings are the only permitted jewelry in this faith. They do however permit their clergy to listen to christian metal bands. This group has already begun it's own mutation which caused the formation of sub(human)group know as Christian Baptist Wicca. The disadvantage of being a Christian Wicca of course, is that you will be shunned by both Christian churches who disagree with your interpretation of their Bible (which they deem a mockery), and Wiccans from other traditions, who find you completely bizarre.

Dianic Tradition

Ever since the tragic passing of Princess Goddess Diana, this tradition has come to total fruition. Believers of this tradition worship before an Altar of Diana, normally depicted in her striking 80's-big-hair form. They also operate an underground network of operatives as they currently believe that either the Gardenarians or Alexandrians might have been behind the plot to kill their deity... either them or it was just those annoying, smelly, jealous French froggies! They are also known to have called a Jihad on the house of Windsor, thereby claiming their title as Wicca's most extremist and fundamentalist tradition!

Unlike other branches of Wicca, Dianic Wicca believes in a devil, whom they call "Prince Charles". Dianic Wiccans like to sing hymns, mostly that annoying song by Elton John which can also be used in the worship of Marylyn Monroe.

Celtic Wicca

This is the most beautiful and the most authentic of all the Wiccan traditions. It's followers must adhere to very strict rules if they wish to be involved but the payoff is huge. They start by wearing massive amounts of green, and then attempt to have their whole home, it's furnishing and anything about it made green also. They must then follow a strict diet of green potatoes and Guinness (dyed green) and watch at least three episodes of Father Ted a day. After a year and a day, they must move to ireland (if not already living there). The final steps to complete indoctrination are to don a gay, green suit, carry a Shillelagh and reach a permanent state of drunkenness. Once achieved, they are welcomed by the elders of the coven by being awarded with a rainbow and a Pot-O-Gold (tm).

Seax-Wicca

Legend has it that this tradition was made up by an industrious but drunken Englishman who decided to ride the Wiccan gravy train all the way to the good ol' U S of A. Those yanks will buy anything if you give it a cool name and market it as mysterious and shit. However, he thought that his grand plan had been thwarted when he woke up the next day (hugely hungover) to realise a rather bad typo in the name he had chosen. He had decided to call it Sex Wicca, as Uncle Bucky (what he called himself) knew that Wicca was a great way to get nubile young girls nekkid. Instead he spelled it Seax-Wicca and had to come up with some other random gibberish to avoid looking the fool (...well, more so than he already was).

Hanger On Tradition

Similar to Christian Wicca, this is made up of ex-Wiccans turned Christian in England who are actually still Wiccans. Even though they converted to Christianity, they hang out with Wiccans, have services where Wicca and Christianity are combined, and talk about Wicca stuff. Its members are like that kid that graduates High School but still keeps showing up just to hang out until eventually the school cop bans him from the property.

Klingon Wicca

Urm... the people of this tradition are actually the only legitimate form of Wicca. And not the kind of people who you want to anger because they will call a jihad on your ass, faster than a Muslim who sees a picture of Hoghammed!

See also

External links


This article uses material from the "Wicca" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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