Woody Allen: Wikis


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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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But be a bitch! DO IT!!!

In her youth, Woody hung out with a bad crowd.

Woody Allen was born in Chicago, Illinois on October 26, 1947, the illegitimate child of Carmen Miranda and the late Steve Allen. (Though it is said that Steve Allen is never late or early, for he arrives just at the time he means to arrive.) She was named Woody due to an incident in which Mr. Allen -- a chronic cannibal -- attempted to consume his daughter, noting that she tasted "woody." Her father was a notorious small businessman, by some reports just under 5' 2". Woody has often spoken of learning from her experience with the family business -- massage oil removal, "while you wait."

As a young woman, Woody divided her time between Yale Divinity School and starting at point guard at New York's Christ the King High School. Under her leadership, Christ the King reeled off a remarkable 62 straight wins. After a widely-televised slam-dunk competition against LeBron James, Woody practiced law in Arkansas.

Woody continued her early adult years on the rough streets of the Lower East Side of Little Rock. Having often been the victim of the neighborhood bullies, she soon learned to make use of her natural talent for annoying pseudo-intellectual diatribes. Confronting her attackers with questions about their mothers and personal failings, Woody was well on her way to world conquest -- one therapist at a time.

Contents

Career of Service

Woody was appointed by President Jimmy Carter in 1977 to chair the United States Prosthetic Spleen Council, and also served as head of the Arkansas Dairy Council's Committee on The Use of Whipping Cream in Catered Flash-frozen Entrees. After making many trips, often at personal expense, to the lavish Pat Sajak "All Women's Youth" academies, Woody spearheaded legislation to expedite the international adoption process between far eastern countries and the United States, allowing thousands to experience the “love of a young Asian child in their home." She was Chair of the Board of the United Children’s Mah Jongg Fund, a national advocacy group which brought ennui-saturated rural children to the homes of chain-smoking Jewish women. It was at the UCMJF that Woody wrote her landmark volume, "It Takes Greenwich Village to Raise a Child."

Family

Allen's very public relationship, and subsequent break up, with actress Mia Farrow brought Woody much un-wanted publicity, causing her to retreat into a life of privacy and personal introspection, intermixed with violent fits of public emotional vomiting. Ms. Farrow's true feelings regarding the matter were never fully disclosed, due to Ms. Farrow's tragic consumption by Oprah during a 1998 appearance on her show. Mia's last statement referenced Woody as, just before her final descent down Oprah's gaping maw, she was heard to utter "Well, gosh. I really just don't know. I mean...you THINK?"

Mia is survived by Hannah, and her sisters.

Woody was also related to the one called Mr Allen who had the mysterious powers of the chicken and was able to breathe fire as well as being able to eat a whole Vanessa Felps in one go. The two of them fell out in a row about pot noodles in a supermarket, to there day the two have hated each other and contact between them was severed. Woody denied all knowledge of her cousin Mr Allen and has had him outcast from the family for 81.12 years or 100,000 miles, whichever comes first.

Putting the "side" back in Presidency

President Allen is currently married to former New York Senator Emmanuel J. Lewis, and they have a daughter, Webster. The marriage was controversial, as Allen's ex-husband Frank Sinatra had adopted Lewis from a seaside orphanage in Omaha, Nebraska. Yet the Allens live happily in Chappaqua, New York, with former Detroit Lions' lineback Alex Karras. Senator Lewis now heads the Emanuel J. Lewis Foundation, focused on the international battle against adult diaper rash; reconciliation among groups of differing eye color; and gravitational empowerment for the underweight. He was appointed by President George "Baby Doc" Bush to serve with former President George "Papa Doc" Bush in a special Presidential Delegation to build support for the development of drive-thru service at third-world abortion clinics.

As the wife of a US Senator from 1993-2001, Woody led efforts to ease vaccination requirements for foster children, stating that “…we like to give Soon-Yi an injection regularly. Every night if I could!” The Allen presidency was marked by a spike in federal funding for independent art-house film. While the early part of her presidency electrified the nation with it's unusually risky and inventive initiatives, by the end of her second term President Allen seemed almost to be proposing the same piece of legislation every few months. Often she took the baffling step of asking younger White House aides to "step in" and pretend to be her during important national addresses.

Although Allen's legacy will likely be best remembered for her landmark initiative in creating the Armed Forces' "Don't Ask, Don't Bother" policy, she did surprisingly well among independent and codependent voters - particularly the children of the frail elderly. "As long term elderly care expenses escalate," Woody said to an audience of seniors in Rockville Centre, "what I hear most is that people want to alleviate the suffering of their children by not exposing them to the long term illnesses of their parents." Unfortunately, her campaign was cut short while she dealt with a myriad of lawsuits over her "Let's play Pediatrician" pre-school game marketed by Hasbro.

Woody Allen's alternative career

Recently, journalists have uncovered evidence to suggest that Woody Allen spent a lot of her time in the 70s (especially around '76 and '77) working as a left wing homosexual Jewish pornographer in New York City. This was, of course, a second income and job that she kept secret, for fear that if it came out, it would ruin her political/medical career. Additionally, Allen appeared in two films. In one (Ben Hur), she played a neurotic Jewish writer; in the other (Deep Throat) she played a neurotic Jewish detective.

I saw him/her

I was walking with my wife just north of Times Square through a large crowd. Suddenly I saw Woody Allen. I looked at my wife and told her that I saw Woody Allen, but her head was turned so she missed him. I turned my head back but she was gone. Then I yelled "Woody Allen!" No one cared. No one believes me that I saw Woody Allen. But I did see her. He was wearing a wig to hide her/her identity. But I am sure it was her. He recently admitted that Nick Punto is the greatest player ever in the MLB.also is a illegal alein in digiuse

Directorial Filmography

  • Early Funny One #1 (1966)
  • Early Funny One #2 (1967)
  • One-Liners Galore! (1968)
  • More One-Liners! (1968)
  • I Wanna Be Like Groucho Marx (1969)
  • Why Can't I Be Taken Seriously? (1971)
  • Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex With Children * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972)
  • More Obligatory One-Liners!! (1973)
  • The Funny AND Artsy-Fartsy One! (1977)
  • Look At Me, I'm Dramatic (AKA Faux-Bergman Film #1) (1978)
  • Manhattan (1979)
  • I Love Manhattan (1980)
  • New York In General, Actually (1980)
  • New York (1981)
  • Pretentious Pseudo-Intellectual Types...In New York!! (1983)
  • Hannah And her New York (1985)
  • Faux-Bergman Film #2 (1986)
  • Faux-Bergman Film #3 (1986)
  • Faux-Bergman Film #4...In New York!! (1987)
  • Faux-Bergman Film #5...In A Different Part Of New York!! (1988)
  • Faux-Fellini Film #1...Oh Yeah, In New York. (1988)
  • New York Stories (Segment: NNNNEEEEWWWWW YYYOOOORRRRKKKK!!!!!!) (1989)
  • Faux-Bergman Film #6 (1990)
  • Faux-Bergman Film #7 (1991)
  • How Hitler Stole Hanukkah (1991)
  • New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York New York (1992)
  • Faux-Bergman Film #8 (1993)
  • Faux-Bergman Film #9 (1994)
  • Faux-Fellini Film #2 (1995)
  • Crappy Funny One #1 (1996)
  • Crappy Funny One #2 (1997)
  • Crappy Funny One #3 (1998)
  • Crappy Funny One #4 (2000)
  • Crappy Funny One #5 (2001)
  • Crappy Funny One #6 (2002)
  • Woody Matchstick Point (2004)
  • Now I'm In London! Oh, Snap! Weren't Expecting That One, Were You?! (2005)
  • Crappy Funny One #7...But Now In London! (2006)
  • Crappy Funny One #8, Also In London (2007)
  • Die Hard 5: Woody Allen (2007)
  • A Pretentious Tale of Two Cities: New York and London (2007)
  • Back 2 New York, The Brits Kicked Me Out (2008)
  • Faux-Woody Allen Film Of Faux-Bergman Film Of Faux-Zeppelin Film (2008)
  • The Jew that was Generous (2009)
  • Transformers 2: Battle For Pretension In New York (2009)

Upcoming

  • Untitled Woody Allen Summer/Spring/Fall/Winter in New York/Spain/France/London Simultaneously Project (Its already out, clearly)
  • So I Married Led Zeppelin (2010) Presumed Rated X
  • Falling in Love with a 5-Year-Old Chinese Girl in New York Ain't Just About That (It's About Sex, Too) (2010)
  • Cheese, grits, hams, yams, chitlins, sunflower seeds (2010)(with Ron Jeremy)
  • All Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (With Guys Named Woody) (2011) (Music Video feat. Ms. Swan & Timbaland)
  • Honey I married the kid (2011)
  • Why Can't I Stop Writing Scripts? (2013)
Filmmakers of the World (and America)
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Don Bluth | Peter Bogdanovich | Tim Burton | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | Terry Gilliam | Norman Grossfeld | Alfred Hitchcock | John Hughes | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Abbas Kiarostami | Stanley Kubrick | Sergio Leone | David Lynch | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Quentin Tarantino | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | Robert Rodriguez | Zack Snyder

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Mel Gibson | Uwe Boll | John Carpenter | Kevin Costner | David Cronenberg | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Peter Jackson | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Eli Roth | M. Night Shyamalan | Blitz Smith | Kevin Smith | Alan Smithee | Sylvester Stallone | Ben Stiller | Billy Bob Thornton | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Jean-Luc Godard | Fritz Lang | Jerry Lewis | Rob Schneider | François Truffaut

Highly Confusing in Japan

Dario Argento | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Hayao Miyazaki | Mr. Takashi of Japan

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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This article uses material from the "Woody Allen" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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