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“The main character is a personified lightbulb, peculiar.”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Anime? What Anime?”
~ Everyone on Xiaolin Showdown
“Xiaolin Showdown? That sucks. Now Xiaolin Hoedown on the other hand”
~ Random pimp on Xiaolin Hoedown

Xiaolin Showdown (KYYI-ah-linn) is arguably a TV show directed by geeks who have too much time on their hands. It was produced by Cartoon Network, a station developed for milk. Somehow, they ended up with this crappy show instead. Its namesake derives from the words "Xiaolin," meaning "monks who do really lame stunts in an animated TV show," and "showdown," meaning "a fight between two or more people." Thus, Xiaolin Showdown has come to mean "an animated TV show about monks who get into fights with another person and do really lame stunts."

Contents

The Beginning

Once, a monk named Master Ringo Starr was bored. So he created an emergency and picked four losers to become his Xiaolin Dragons in training. They infiltrated the lower ranks of Kids WB, quickly learning and rising... and ruining perfectly good anime. Then the glorious day came that they joined the prestigious academy of Cartoon Network. They had to start over from the beginning, just like a new file on a video game. But, eventually, they gained no fame, no fortune, no recognition, and no sex.

The Monks

  • Omi - The young monk aspiring to make a name for himself. He is as peaceful as the sea... sometimes. He has a superinflated ego and yellow skin. He also knows no slang. This, coupled with his name, caused him to be teased often, which led to his eventual madness. He declined into insanity and grew into Homie "Homer" Simpson.
  • Raimundo - The drug addict Brazilian who is as carefree as the wind. He once became so pissed with the others that he went and started fucking for the evil side. Then he flipped everyone off again and spiraled into drugs and smoking. Eventually, he went to a mental clinic and made a full recovery. But he had no friends anymore, so he drifted worldwide. He controls the trafic Brazil-United States. And his power is wind because he only eats burritos and tacos. he was killed in a "incident" with Morbid Krabs
  • Token Girliko - The "too cool" girl with anger issues. She was as touchy as fire.She decided to join the temple when she found out that she wasn't that cool. She died in a freak accident involving Tentacle Monsters.
  • Mud - The down-home cowboy who hates everyone. He is as as stupid as dirt. When he found out that Darth Vader was his father, he took his low-as-dirt attitude and moved to the Xiaolin Temple to train in the ways of the Force. He was killed 5 years later by Vader then revived with a phoenix down.(Didn't work for Aerith, thank god.)
  • Token Black Kid - New York gangsta homie-G who is as crazy as crack. He likes the monks and briefly joined them. But he got kicked out after the monks realized he couldn't do anything. The only thing he could do was brag about his ginormus wang in which he didn't have.
  • Scott Jones - The true fifth monk and the Dragon of Lightning, Scott was added in for the fourth season in an amazing storyline involving deceit, trickery, and the number 42. Unfortunately, half the cast was dead before they actually decided to make a fourth season, so he doesn't really exist. So who am I talking about? This show blows! Like my mom!
  • Master Funk - A master monk, Funk (last name Ku) was the teacher of the monks and formerly the dragon of disco, and made a good teacher. However, nobody likes teachers, so the young monks ridiculed him often. He had fought in the War of Cartoons, a tremendous war between Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network. He never found out who won, having fled for his life after Spongebob Squarepants and Samurai Jack killed Robot Jones (the latter most likely due to his unending hatred for robots). After the Shen-Gong-Woohoo were all found, Funk retired to Florida to relax. However, Spongebob rose out of the Atlantic Ocean to kill Funk.
  • Dojo Jojo (no relevance to Maca Paca) - The third cousin of Mojo Jojo, Dojo was Master Funk's pet dragon and the dragon of soot. He flew the young monks around, and complained about the air conditioning. Then Master Funk huffed him, and he fled to the South Pole, where he became King of the Penguin People. His sister is Shenron.
  • Grand Master Dashi - Lived about 1500 years ago. He trapped Wuya inside a puzzlebox, but Pandora's ghost unlocked it. Damn Greeks.
  • Master Monk Guano - Guy who is friends with Chase Young, yet is good. Apparently would've been turned evil if Chase Young had not. Strange plot twists occur whenever he's around. He also reeks of bat shit.
  • Raquel Applegate - Some whore searching for the Panacea Pancreas to cure her of AIDS. She wields a bigass sword and was bribed into helping the monks during her journey with Sherrif Stars and Kitten huffing manuals. She broke her contract with the developers of Wild Arms 4 which resulted in her getting AIDS in the first place.
  • Arnaud G. Vasquez - Companion and husband of Raquel Applegate, who like her, have no central point in this fucking show at all. He must be the reincarnation of Bruce Ismay, because he is a pansy-assed coward who fights with fucking feathers and steals candy from babies.
  • George Formby - Became a Xiaolin Monk after being made redundant from Netto Supermarket 1500 years ago, he is a Grand Master in the Ancient Lancastrian Martial Art of Ecky Thump and rarely does a proper showdown, he normally resorts to hitting his adversary with a Brick.
  • Retarded Chick - Became a member for 5 minutes because she was retarded. (Don't screw with a retard, or you will get sued.)

She soon got 'kicked out' after she had her 'period' all over the wall. (Omi: OH MY GAWD THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE!! Retarded Chick: I like apples...And BOOGERS...eheheheheh.(Craps herself))

The Actual Storyline

Bored in a secret lair underneath the Price Buster's next to Blackpool Tower, two evil partners, Jack Spicer and Wuya (a ghost), decided to rule the world. Then they heard about the Shen-Gong-Woohoo, mystical items that have "special" powers. Jack often clashed with the monks over these Shen-Gong-Woohoo, in what could be called a duel, but was called a Xiaolin Showdown instead. The situation always looked cool, but never was, and usually involved some silly lesson from the beginning of the show. Jack always lost, cried, swore his revenge,and then goes home to hit himself over the head with a brick. In the end, the monks had gained a whopping total of 2 Shen-Gong-Woohoo. The monks fly home, chatting atop Dojo. Jack Spicer was eventually killed by George Formby's Paisley tie after it escaped from a Top Security Charity Shop in Wigan.

The Other Villains

In case you poor deluded simpletons were wondering, there are other villains that occasionally appear. They are:

Chase Young

Chase Young - The coolest guy in the world. Had sex with Master Funk

Panda Bubba

Panda Bubba - A guy who wears black and white and has a bad laugh. He is currently protected by the Chinese government because of loss of habitat and now lives on loan in the National Zoo in America.

Tubbimura

Tubbimara carbo-loading before a showdown

Tubbimura - Fat ninja. Oh no, a paradox!

Katnappé

Katnappé - Crazy girl in her teens. Likes cats. Uses cats as weapons and dildos. Meows and uses cat puns. She's the obligatory anime cat girl to the extreme

Vlad

Vlad
Vlad - Sterotypical Russian dude that still is a Communist even though the Soviet Union collapsed more than a decade ago. Has rash remedy for geckos. Sometimes works for Jack Spicer, sometimes for the KGB or KJB. Not considered a threat.

Mala Mala Jong

Mala Mala Jong - Made up of Shen-Gong-Wu, different than the Shen-Gong-Woohoo and much more powerful. Cannot speak, though can stand, sit, heel, and beg.

Cyclops

Cyclops, enjoying an evening a the casino

Cyclops - Cyclops is KJB agent number two. Charming, polite, but a ruthless killer Cyclops leads a life of a millionaire aboard his luxury hydrofoil the Disco Volante and his spacious waterfront property Palmyra. Cyclops has an excellent physical presence on-screen with his white hair, eye patch and menacing looks. Like many villains past and future, Cyclops enjoys socialising with Omi on numerous occasions where they play games of wit. Cyclops has no hesitation to kill any of his men if they fail him, and proceeds to throw Le Mime into his shark pool when he fails his mission to assassinate Master Funk.

Wilhelm

Some immortal pimp that watches over both villains and monks and such, observing their angst and using them as pawns to bring him steps closer to activating Zarathustra, the ultimate baking oven, to make the entire universe one huge, extravagant chocolate cake. He has his manservants the Testaments face off against both monks and villains, but they always fail and are forced to eat his diabolical asparagus.

Le Mime

Le Mime - It is a mine, no one knows it's gender, presumed to be asexual. The writers spent many longs hours coming up with it's name, "Le Mine" is so creative and original. It is able to transform anything it wants into reality, besides itself. It lives in Da' Nile. Briefly worked with Cyclops before realizing that It didn't actually exist.

Jude Maverick

The brat from Wild Arms 4 who wants revenge on Arnaud and Raquel because they owe him a whopping twenty-five cents for a jawbreaker and because Arnaud drank the last Vanilla Coke in existance. No, he's not really a villain, at ALL

Yulie Ahtreide

Not really a villain either, she wanted to find the Querky QWERTY to find special Paladienne manuals that can only be found by typing in a super secret cheat code. She can heal wounds in an unnesessary manner, by stomping on one's foot.

Harry Potter

Like those two above, not a villain either. He found the Wacky Wand to replace that piece of shit wand he used all the time. He helps the monks occasionally by giving them pointless advice about steering clear of crap like pirates and ninjas and the likely chance of listening to Himeko Katagiri from Pani Poni Dash! say "maho!" to death.

Charity Bazaar

Yet again, not a villain. She's that depressed little blonde brat from Histeria! who has traveled five years into the present day by Father Time to prevent the nerds who made this show from wasting their time making this show and bent on bringing Histeria! back. She is often seen with the like of Harry Potter, Yulie and Jude as a futuristic guide, which she is NOT happy about.

Pepper Mills

Once again, not a villian. A hyperactive fangirl from Histeria! who asking people with their autographs, and confused them with other famous celebrities, which gives a lesson to those fanbrats who are freakin' obsessed with Naruto x Sasuke yaoi fan arts not to be stupid. Confusing Jude Maverick with Jim Hawkings. Her favorite idol is Himeko Katagiri. Her scream made Katara deaf.

Hannible Roy Bean

the prince of darkness HANNIBAL ROY BEAN!!

The Prince of Darkness HANNIBAL ROY BEAN (Corny Dramatic Music Plays) - Hannibal Roy Bean is a talking bean, (actually, hes satan's decapitated penis. I guess either way goes) but if that's stupid enough for you he's supposed to be the Satan of the show and was the one that corrupted Chase Young. He thinks he's a real genius when he uses the Dumbass Doppelganger to transform himself into other people but he's not. He's thought to be the very first redneck and I wouldn't doubt for a second.

George Formby

Though not a villain as such, he once went evil after watching a James Bond film, he bought a Collarless suit and joined the British National Party and set off on a rampage across the world, he stopped just short of the High Street after falling off his motorbike and gave himself an injury on the cross-bar.

Monsters of the Week / The OTHER Other Villains

  • The shit medic- quikly killed because he didnt realise his own medkits could heal himself.
  • Some Guy Over There - A potental villain from Turkey, erases people's identities and personas.
  • Dr. Megapenis - An evil rapist from Finland. AKA Lezard Valeth
  • Jack McPenis (Dr. Megapenis's son) - A gothic homunculi(fake human)
  • Picklepuss - Smells like French ass.
  • Mr. Fartbag - Wants to stink up the entire world.
  • Bud Blood - A Romanian vampire who wants to turn all the world's water into blood and encourage vampirism.
  • Uchikabuchibanananananuchi - Annoys them all with an extremely long name.
  • Himeko Katagiri - Annoys them all by saying "maho!"
  • Ichijo-san - Just creeps everyone out.
  • Mesousa - Ditto.
  • Monkey D. Luffy - strechy Pimping straw hat brat who leads the pirates, and owned almost everyone except Chuck Norris.
  • Naruto Uzumaki - rodent-like brat who leads the ninjas.
  • Your Mom - Wants to ground everyone and make them eat vegetables and send them to bed early.
  • Chuck Norris - Kills everyone with devastating roundhouse kicks.
  • Kinnikuman - Wrestles them with extreme prejudice.
  • Jackie Chan - Has the power to attack them with anything laying around.
  • The Rock - Forces them to smell what he's cooking. (His asshole)
  • Riza Hawkeye - Isn't really a villain, but tries to shoot Omi after he calls her a skanky ho.

The Shen-Gong-Woohoo

God's will - gives the user ultimate power over everything. Now in the possession of Chuck Norris. Haruhi is also currently fighting him for it.

The Redundant Robe - Enables the wearer to spout extra words. Now in the possession of Homie.

The Annoying Anus - No comment. Now in possession of you.

The Face That Only a Mother/Prostitute Could Love - once again, it's yours fag.

The Wacky Wand - A magic wand. Now in possession of Harry Potter.

The Dumb Dirk - A knife that spews sparks when touched. Also glows blue when in the presence of obvious Lord of the Rings references. Now in possession of your mom. Also works under overused Star Wars references as well.

The Redundant Robe - Enables the wearer to spout extra words. Now in the possession of Homie.

The Expendable Egg - A bomb disguised as an egg. *Keep away from Children*

The Peculiar Pump - a device that can overinflate one's ego(perse, Homie's) and cause their heads to explode. Now in possession of Haruhi Suzumiya.

The Revolting Slob - explodes into nothingness whilst some offscreen slut says "no slobs where harmed in the making". YEAH RIGHT! Now in possession of HBO Family.

The Crazy Crow's Foot - A foot that has sharp talons.

The Loony Lightsaber - Used by Mud to duel Darth Vader. Now in possession of Emperor Pimpatine. Oh look! The Dumb Dirk's glowing!

The Stupid Snapper - A lobster claw with supersharp edges. Mistakenly eaten. Now in possession of Himeko Katagiri, who fits the possession perfectly.

The Teleporting Ticket - A ticket that when touched to human flesh, will teleport the human to hell USA. Now in the possession of a nebbish named Wally.

The Smothering Spectacles - A set of glasses that stops combustion. Currently in the possession of The Order.

The Power-Driven Pen - A special pen that can harness enough electricity to fry a man's flesh. Currently in the possession of Jack "The Weasel" Spicer

The Circumvolving Scissors - A pair of nail-scissors with the ability to rotate the world around the victim. Currently in the possession of Girliko.

The Compass of Order - Allows the user to view how f**ked up the world is, it also allows the user to view other character's angst(i.e. Shinji Ikari) so the user can laugh at their pussyness. It is also the component to Zarathustra, the ultimate baking oven. Currently in possession of Wilhelm(Xenosaga)

The Shi'a Pet - Allows Muslim criminals to regenerate their chopped off hands, just by adding water to their stumps and in a week..... SHSHSHA...SHI'A! They get their hands chopped off again because this Shen-Gong-Woohoo is illegal in the demonic text of the Quran. Now in possession of Haruhi Suzumiya.

The Mecca-Zord - Instantly teleports Muslims on the pilgrimage to the holy city of Mecca. Has been known to squirt out semen on occasion. Now in possession of Haruhi Suzumiya.

The Vessels of Anima - Basically steroids for battle robots. The main component to Zarathrustra, the ultimate baking oven. They're all over the friggin' place, obviously in battling borats.

The Shiny Pendant - Glows yellow in the presence of gratuitous philosophical/religious references. The key to Zarathustra, the ultimate baking oven. Now in possession of Shion Uzuki.

The Zohar - a bigass bar of gold that's used as Gnosis bait. Drifts around everywhere.

The Asphyiating Ampulla Flask - Steals the air from an area. In the possession of Panda Bubba.

The Redundant Robe - Enables the wearer to spout extra words. Now in the possession of Homie.

The Idiotic Ichthyoid - A whale that swallows its hapless victims whole. Was sent back in time to eliminate Jonah.

The Troubled Time Machine - Allows the user to go back approximately 2009.8 years or less. Transported the Idiotic Ichthyoid back in time.

The Quirky QWERTY - A supercomputer that can locate anything, solve any problem, and respond to your emotions. The user password was lost, and so it can never be turned on. Now in possession of Code: LYOKO (Guy with Glasses)

The Redundant Robe - Enables the wearer to spout extra words. Now in the possession of Homie.

The Violent Vibrator +3 - It's just like a vibrator, but 3 inches larger and with the power of VIOLENCE! Now in possession of Your mom.

The Shit Shooter - Works at it name implies.

The Flaming Homosexual - You

You - Believe it, punk.

The Stick o' Hitting - WTF do you think it does?

The Seismic Splitter - Used by Spongebob Squarepants to chop the Titanic in half. Still in possession of him.

The Sarcastic Spear - Imparts an uncanny sense of incinserity on it's wielder, enabling him/her to use as much sarcasm as possible. Also imparts the awesomeness of Indignation. Now in possession of Jade Curtiss.

The Amulet of Kings - a sacred artifact as old as tapioca pudding skin, which only the heir to the throne of Tamriel can wear. It can make edible fireballs that can cause cool explosions once spat out and can turn the wearer into a fatass fire dragon. Once in the possession of all Tamriel emperors, now in possession of Haruhi Suzumiya.(Didn't mention gods can wear it, did I?)

The Cursed Videotape - kills whoever watches it in seven days, then Sadako comes out and stares at them until they die or are completely embarrassed. Now in possession of Haruhi Suzumiya.

The Philosopher's Stone - the masturbation cause of all alchemists. said to give eternal life and virginity to any guy and make them virtual gods powerful enough to pr0n even the suXX0rz gods. Currently in possession of Edward Elric and Haruhi Suzumiya. Formerly in possession of Nicholas Flamel and Some Guy Over There.

The Universal Uniform(s) - PE uniform consisting of blue outlined shirt and blue athletic bloomers that acually comes in quantities that has the following powers; the light brown spot displays the wearer's surname in Japanese, but to the friggin' point, it makes girls suspectable to eechi jokes and womanizing cads like Zelos Wilder. Now in possession(or property of) Momotsuki Academy.

The Cosplayer Cloak - fires off air pellets that change a girl's current outfit into either a maid outfit or bunny suit, making them suspectable to hidden online photos and supreme totalitarian figures like Haruhi Suzumiya. Now in possession of Haruhi Suzumiya.(lucky bastard)

The Panacea Pancreas - Gross shit that cures AIDS yet gives you a major case of retardedness. (Located in either a DVD case of the billionth Land Before Time sequel, or by watching bad movies like Manos the Hands of Fate, The Creeping Terror, Red Zone Cuba, Plan 9 from Outer Space, Monster a-Go-Go, Batman and Robin or it could just be up your ass.

XERD_003SS - Jude's ARM that can change into anything such as; a handgun, a sword, a rocket launcher, a dildo, a condom, You, Oprah Winfrey, an igloo, a needle, a smoke pipe, a bong, a violin, a pen and even into a second penis or third testicle.

The Manuals of Mediocrity - a bunch of complicated nonsense that would enable Yulie to turn Jude's ARM into all that shit above. I don't know why, I just wasted 9999 hours typing this fucking article.

The Clipboard of Caution - allows people to keep track of who has what Shen-Gong-Woohoo, but since some fucktard lost it years ago, it is impossible to tell exactly who the hell has what! Believed to be in possession of Charity Bazaar, who is not happy.........

Zabuza Sword - It cannot be beat. Currently possessed by Alucard

M16 w/ Grenade Launcher - A powerful machine gun that kills just about any living object(watch Scarface bitches).Currently in possession of Antonio Montana(Scarface,which who is still dead if you didn't play the video game.)

The TV remote - able to destroy the alternate dimension of 'your TV' at the press of a button.Used by you to turn the TV off.was lost in the couch and was never found again.

Maximizer Bra - possess the power to increase boob size ten fold. Currently possessed by: Every Anime girl ever.

Minimizer Girdle - Quickly emphasizes a chick's hips. Currently possessed by: See above.

Trivia

  • All people in the world know about Xiaolin Showdown and love it.
  • All people in the world care about Xiaolin Showdown and it is cool.
  • Wikipedia is not attacking! Everyone don't run to the shelter because it will eat you!
  • The original name for the show was Useless Drivel, but that was too stupid and bad name.
  • Xiaolin Showdown is watched not only by Oprah Winfrey!
  • Raquel Applegate is stricken with AIDS. She is also not a gayass monk.
  • Arnaud G. Vasquez acually is the reincarnation of Bruce Ismay.
  • Arnaud and Raquel acually only owe Jude $1,000,000.
  • There is acually more Vanilla Cokes in existance.
  • Gym uniforms provided by Pani Poni Dash!
  • Details at eleven.
  • Homie is Pac-Man's long lost and h8ed little cousin.

Also See

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Xiaolin Showdown is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.

This article uses material from the "Xiaolin Showdown" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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