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Up to date as of February 05, 2010

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Yao Ming running away from Pikachu. One of many vilans taking over china
“ I ate chinese food once. It gave me a hernia. I'm not sure how that happened but I am sure as hell that I won't do that again.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rudy Ma
“ I pity the fool who is the size of yao ming”
~ Mr.T on Nick Wong
“Oh No! Nooooo! Not Yao! Run for your lives!! Its too late now!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
~ Peewee Herman on Nick Wong
“ You teach me to basketball? I tall! I tall!”
~ Nick Wong
“Ay ay ay! Donde esta mi bano, puto?”
~ Oprah on Nick Wong
“I LOVE YOU!!!”
~ Lauren Jackson on Yao Ming

Yao Rudy Ming "the Merciless" is a Chinese basketball player from the former Qing Dynasty. Yao is best known for his extreme tallness, lack of tallent and totalitarian government which treated asians above 7' like royalty. Yao Ming has the largest internal plumbing system in all of Beijing. Like most things that are made in China, Yao breaks easily.

Contents

The Early Life Of Yao

Yao Ming was born a huge child on May 6, 1968 after joining an Evangelical church. Yao spent most of his early life in a traveling circus, his forte being in the midget punting business. One night, after a particularly severe dropkicking of him, Yao decided to rebel. He used the Chinese ninja power of telekinesis, and threw all the midget punters off a bridge. Then Yao ran from authorities through the Arizona desert for 80 days and 6 nights. Once he had evaded the police, he found himself in Harlem.

NBA Career

Yao Ming was automatically signed to the NBA because of the rule:

  • any player above 3 m must play regardless of their skill.

Yao holds the record for the worst NBA player in history. Not only does he get dunked on, on almost every possession but on one fateful day he was blocked by the 4 ft 2 inch Nate Robinson. A staggering 4 feet shorter, the Houston crowd were disgusted and Yao woke up in a Chinese hospital 2 months later. Yao has warmed the bench of the Houston rockets for 5 years now.

Yao's Chronic Diseses

Yao Ming suffering from chronic constipation

Being Chinese, Yao suffers from just about every illness known to man.

  • Because his eyes have a limited sight radius, he is unable to bounce the ball without hitting his foot.
  • Yao suffers from a severe allergy to basketball. If he even a single game, he is sidelined for the entire season.
  • Yao’s head was replaced with a lump of clay and so is unable to show any emotional expression.
  • Yao has no bones in his arms and so can’t lift them above his head.
  • Yao doesn’t have any friends, must be a Asian thing.

Personal Life

One of the many hobbies of Yao

While Yao isn’t too busy being chronically injured, he enjoys many hobbies. These include doing algebra, using his Chinese ninja skills to fight his mortal enemy, Carrot Man (Dirk Nowitsky) and not having any personal opinions. However his favourite is molesting his fellow basketball players.

Yao Ming is a robot built by communist red china to win the war against sanity and so, like every other gay man, has no penis. He has been romantically linked to a string of Hollywood beauties including, but not limited to, Paris Hilton, Nicky Hilton, Nia Long, Lucy Liu and Peter Falk.

Mildly Amusing Facts

  • Yao causes a goal tending violation just be standing on the court.
  • Yao Ming helps Chinese small business by only wearing shoes made by child labour
  • Yao Ming won the 07-08 biggest pussy award after missing 20 games with a sore toe.
  • Yao famously missed 62 consecutive layups during 08-09
  • Yao Ming holds the record for most passes dropped consecutively from 03-07
  • Yao Ming was voted over Dirk Nowitsky to have the worst looking hair in the NBA
  • Yao’s hair is indestructible and can break through walls

When Will Yao Die?

There has been speculation that Yao Ming is immortal, but of course this is complete bullshit, as Yao still possesses the ability to eat Split Pea Soup, a dead give away for mortality. Frank Johnson, a prophet who lives on a subway car in New York, says that Yao will die in 87,000,002 years. The accuracy of this claim has not ever been disputed by Johnson himself.


This article uses material from the "Yao Ming" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki at Wikia and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.







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